.

“I love Sweet Jesus.  I do.  I think about Sweet Jesus every day and how he told me to try to live.  Honey, I have  backsliding blisters all over my butt, but Sweet Jesus loves me anyway,” Juanita said this morning leading up to the latest insanity by so-called Christians.

“But Sweet Jesus never once told me to be obnoxious.  He never once told me to slam him over people’s head or to act like I’m all special because I know him,” she continues.

“I have a theory that the Super DeLux Brand Christians have to force their beliefs on other people because they’re not sure that they’re right.  And so they think if everybody else agrees with them, they have to be right,” she ponders.  “I think that those with real faith are far more content people.”

“So on the heels of the Texas State Board of Education forcing their so-called religion on every single school child in Texas, I was feeling a little down this weekend.”

“So, I took a drive through Cabo San Rosenberg, my neighboring city.  Right there on the main drag, on US Highway 90A, which goes from Florida to California, we are treated to this —

“A Rosenberg lawyer has put a 12 foot Jesus in a really bad wig on US Highway 90A.”

“You have no idea how gosh-awful this sucker is.  It’s wearing a poorly styled real-life wig that blows in the wind and it appears that Jesus was a hemophiliac because there’s blood everywhere.  It scares the hell outta little children and caused three pizza parlors to go out of business.”

You can click on the little one to get the big one but I don’t know why you’d want to.

“However, it is good to know that all the zealots haven’t been secretly relocating to Texas in some kind of crackpot revolution,” Juanita says reassuringly.  “We know that because a crazy woman in Virginia was handing out little fetus dolls to elementary school children.”

“Now there’s a clear case of a fetus being far more important than walking, living, breathing children,” Juanita says.  “What was this woman thinking and why is she allowed around children?”

“The only upside to this is that at least we know they’re not all coming to Texas to establish their own nation.  But, if Mrs. Sheila Tillett Holas ever leaves Virgina and comes to Texas with her doll collection, I’m outta here because they’re all coming.”

“We’ve got enough of them already to fill the Greater Mount Hypocrisy and Ostentatiousness Sanctuary.”