Juanita Jean Herownself is a tad hacked-off at Eric Cantor.  Well, that’s probably an understatement.  Actually, she’s so mad that if she didn’t sweat, she’d catch on fire.

With all Eric Cantor’s talk about not allowing the United States of Damn America to respond to citizens in disaster unless we first cut food to the poor or health care for little baby children, Juanita is fit to be tied.

“I just want Cantor to know that I heard rumors this morning that a hurricane might be scheming to direct itself right at my house over Labor Day weekend.   I have other plans Labor Day weekend that do not include being hunkered down in the bathtub with Jim Cantore in my front yard hollering, ‘Holy Crap!  There’s a damn cow flying by,'” she says.

Needs a good switching

“We’ve had a killer drought here with three year old catfish who haven’t learned to swim yet, and the temperature only drops below 110 degrees when you finally give up and climb into the refrigerator to sleep.  We haven’t been allowed to barbeque with an open fire in three months so we’re all in a foul mood to start with.  If a hurricane hits here we’ve got 100 year old oak and pecan trees that are so brittle they’ll snap like Legos and with the ground like concrete, there’s no place for the water to go, except, of course, my bathtub, where I’m hiding.”

She continues, “Now I’m not saying this is Eric Cantor’s fault.  I know it probably is, but I’m not saying that.  What I am saying is that if we have a disaster here, Eric Cantor better not be talking about not feeding little poor children so he can send somebody in a uniform to haul my bruised butt out from under Jim Cantore, my bathtub and a couple of trees.”

“I am a mean woman,” she reminds us. “I can walk to Virginia with Jim Cantore and an oak tree branch and switch Eric Cantor’s hiney until that little prissy sucker is begging to rebuild my house hisownself if need be.  And I’ll do it, too, because hypocrisy ought to be painful.”

“Lookie here,” she says.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor’s insistence that federal disaster aid be offset elsewhere in the budget runs directly counter to his position in the past when the money went to help his Virginia district.

In the summer of 2004, after Tropical Storm Gaston slammed into Richmond, Cantor was on the front lines of efforts to secure millions of dollars in federal assistance to clean the wreckage and repair damaged infrastructure. Although the funding was not offset, Cantor cheered its arrival.

“Now, would somebody please explain to me why 2004 Virginia butt is more important than 2011 Texas butt?  Huh, would you?”

Eric Cantor’s spokesman tried —-

Cantor spokesman Brad Dayspring said Tuesday that the nation’s’ fiscal environment was different in 2004, when the federal debt was just under $7.4 trillion – roughly half the figure today.

But budget hawks – as well as many Democrats – have charged Republicans with hypocrisy for focusing on deficit reduction now after years of deficit spending themselves. Democrats note that GOP leaders chose not to fund the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan or Medicare’s prescription drug benefit – all Bush-era programs that helped turn a projected budget surplus at the end of the Clinton administration into trillions of dollars of debt.

“And that’s why Eric Cantor needs me to go cut a switch right now and start walking to Virginia,” she stomps.