We’ve all been watching with a mixture of horror and amusement (the latter of which was intended), while presidential appointments have been handed out as cavalierly as razor blade-bearing Halloween candy can be. But many important appointments have yet to be made by Don the Con (or whoever is actually making them), so I thought I’d try and help with a few suggestions of my own. They are not particularly well thought out, so they should match the appointments already made rather well, if I say so myself.

Labor. Doug McMillon. McMillon is CEO of Walmart and makes 1000 times the median income of a Walmart associate. McMillon was the driving force to replace the unionized butchers with prepackaged frozen meat at all of his stores.

Commerce: Peter Thiel. VP JD Vance once regarded him as his Sugar Daddy. Mutton gourmets will rejoice because Thiel will ensure that tarrifs on products imported from New Zealand, his recently adopted second country, remain the lowest in the world.

Treasury: Paul Cassano aka Paulie Roast Beef. A well-known associate of the Lucchese family of New York and New Jersey, Paulie knows where the bodies are buried, having dug a few of the interment sites himself.

Agriculture: William Anderson. CEO of Bayer AG, Bayer acquired Monsanto, which developed GMO technology. GMO seed production is akin to putting all of one’s eggs in one basket, so that when only one biological agent kills the world’s corn crop, it will make it ever so much easier to identify which one it is.

Transportation: Mark R. George. President and CEO of Norfolk Southern RailwIay, here is a CEO who knows about train derailment. Not about how to prevent them, which is defeatism writ large, but in cleaning up devastated derailment sites and burying bodies which is more hands-on.

Education: Herschel Walker. As a former NFL running back, Walker knows the value of a good education, having received a lesson in humility from Senator Raphael Warnock in 2022. He is noted for his work in Lycanthropy, having been the first to identify werewolves as the principle predator of vampires.

Housing: Vince McMahon. Formerly the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), McMahon knows absolutely nothing about housing or urban development. But neither did prenatal brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson, who Donnie D Cups previously chose for the job.

CDC: Aaron Rogers. As yet another professional football player/appointee, Rogers is well-aware that one’s performance is related to his overall health and will work well with RFK, Jr’s mandate to nullify all vaccination mandates in the nation’s school systems.

Surgeon General: Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Yes, he’s still dead, so that should keep him from identifying any further life-threatening habits that Americans love and American businesses enjoy providing for.

Taken as a package with those already nominated, this rogue’s gallery of appointees should ensure that the 47th president’s next (and God willing, his last) term lives up to all of our expectations.