Of Life and Death
In this video Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper are talking about life, death, and grief. This weekend, my coworker and friend passed away. He wasn’t my best friend. We didn’t hang out away from work. I almost always detest when people blow these things up for dramatic effect. He was a good, young kid that was just starting his career. He wanted to be good at what he did and do he leaned on all of us in the office for advice.
This story exists on two levels. There is the overwhelmingly sad human angle. This was a 30 year old kid that had just gotten married. He and his wife hadn’t even been married a year. They both are in their first years as teachers. Quite literally, his life was snatched right out of the starting gate.
You can watch the video over and over again and get choked up every time when you notice Cooper struggling to get through the quote. How could the worst things that happen to us be gifts? How demented do you have to be to express thanks for your own suffering?
On a human level it is is very simple. We are fallible and the moment we admit that, the better off we are. These moments also put our own loss in perspective. How could I possibly compare my struggles with his or his wife’s? Even with my own stuff, I can’t possibly know what to say in this moment. I am speechless. On a larger scale, we can share on our humanity and cherish the time we do have.
When I look at our world, what I see more than anything is a sharp rise in narcissism. In this context, it can best be defined as the excessive concern with self. We are the center of the universe. Everyone exists to meet my needs. Their thoughts, feelings, and concerns are of no consequence to me unless it can be used to meet my desires and my needs.
What has this narcissism wrought? I’d point to the very real situation this couple went through. The people working within the school district were caring and feeling people, but the district itself can’t be. They both ran out of days quickly and whatever benefits that coworkers could pass on also ran out. That includes sick leave banks, disability, and bereavement leave.
I bring this up because it is the norm in our industry and dozens of others as well. You work to serve the company. When you can no longer work you are of no use to the company. So, you are at the mercy of whatever individual managers might feel in the moment. Even then, our capacity for charity is limited.
We work longer and harder than most countries. When you just compare us to the industrialized world we also make less per hour for that time. Our standard of living is lower partially because of the choices we have made. The individual’s ability to make millions or billions trumps the standard of living of ordinary people. Most other countries offer more extended leave to care for a family members, prepare for a baby, or deal with your own illness.
Congress couldn’t pass a bowel movement right now much less landmark employee rights legislation. Maybe that will change some day. What we can do is hug our friends and loved ones a little tighter. We can laugh a little more and a little louder. We can also remember that whatever stuff we are dealing with is not nearly as bad as what others have to deal with.
Nick, my purpose in responding to your piece is not to get any sympathy but to reinforce some important things you said and add to it. I’ll start with your comments:
1– cherish the time you have;
– others have it worse than yourself;
– hug family and friends a little tighter.
I’d add that in times like your friend and his family (and friends) went through, you realize how many things in life we took for granted.
The timing of your piece and friends passing is very real. Starting in August this past year, our 39 year old daughter came down with a digestive issue (not cancer but life changing). We’re so thankful she survived despite several major surgeries and days near death in surgery and ICU. After 3 months in the hospital, she was able to come and live with us while she rehabilitates. She continues to live with us in a hospital bed in our family room. We’re thankful for that.
Again, the 3 points from your piece I repeated above are very real and important to us. And my point, since it all started, I realized how many things I took for granted and wished I’d done better.
I’m afraid I do not read Nick’s articles – too long .
2Nick,
3I appreciate the time you spend writing, and the complete context in which your points are made – – especially the carefully constructed connections between point #1 and #2 and #3…
It’s a welcome respite from the birdshot of words so often broadcast in tv interviews, from panels of talking heads, and the comment sections found across the internet.
Nick, when you say you’re speechless, I’m not sure in what specific situations you might be referring to.
4But to echo Rick’s comment, I’m grateful you’re not speechless here.
First, condolences on the loss of your friend. A very good friend of mine, I was worried about losing last year. He’s a government employee, so I understand the pooling sick leave, etc. And I agree with you, that’s great, it’s a great system for employees to help other employees, a true egalitarian thing. The best laid plans, after all, sometimes aren’t enough. Sometimes people need help through no fault of their own.
There are ways to plan for the unexpected, however, like long term disability insurance, and generally, just living below your means and saving for a rainy day.
Finally, what you are calling for, employers mandated to offer more paid time off…..eventually, someone has to pay for that. You’re in a school district? That cost lands on property owners. Now maybe nobody feels sorry for ExxonMobil paying more taxes on their refinery, but in many places, the bulk of the school taxes come from residential property, and from small businesses….from people like you, people like your friends, people like the owner of that coffee shop or bistro you enjoy frequenting. And so, if you want more paid time off, that means the district is going to be paying you the same, but having to pay for substitutes or other personnel to do your work while you are gone, taking care of your infirm loved one, sick yourself, bonding with your new baby, whatever.
Are your property taxes high enough for you already? How would you feel about not only you paying more, but others paying more, too? Are there folks close to the edge, especially with the rampant inflation we’ve seen over the last 3 years, who maybe can’t pay for any increase in property taxes?
So it comes down to choices. Should we be more compassionate to the district employees, or have compassion for the taxpayers, for the people that will be forced to sell their houses because they can’t pay the property tax, people whose American dream of home ownership just got extinguished.
Again, condolences on your friend. I do agree with you that life is fleeting,
5Thank you for taking the time to raise those concerns Bill. In essence, it is what I lovingly call a false choice. We don’t have to choose between keeping taxes reasonable and taking care of employees and their families. We can make alternate choices to do the same. Obviously, some tough choices would have to be made, but it would be about what we choose to pay for and support.
In Texas, there was a long time when the varsity football coach was the highest paid employee in the district. Thankfully, I think the law forbids that but we come pretty damn close. I had the special teams coordinator (punters and kickers) explain to me why he deserved more than me as the varsity volleyball coach. Maybe football is not as important as the health and safety of employees. Maybe I’m just tilting at windmills here.
6I “appreciated” Bill’s paragraph also, for the listing of why we should not worry about anyone else, and just worry about ourselves, both at home and at work./s Our area is full of people whining about property taxes in the newspaper, especially the people who say they shouldn’t have to pay school taxes since they are older and retired– no one IN school anymore. Exactly whom do they think paid for their generation’s schools? Yes, the generation before them. And some people do not have savings to draw on– they are already living on the edge. It is simply sort of libertarian to adhere to the “bootstraps” theory– everyone for him- or herself– that’s the breaks… I guess Nick’s school district personnel should not help out colleagues? The risk for the taxpayers? The taxes might increase as a result? Ugh. How Trumpian to think one is smarter by NOT paying taxes.
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