Making it through the fog
I suffer from a form of depression known as dysthymia. In lay man’s terms it is episodic form of depression where you never get really low to the point of not functioning, but there are times when motivation is an issue. I manage okay for the most part. I perform my duties at work and do what I need to do throughout the day, but it is sometimes hard to get the energy to do anything beyond that.
It’s usually caused by a chemical imbalance. I was diagnosed in my twenties, but it is something that has always been there. The original psychiatrist explained it by saying that there were certain times in our lives when hormones change and we are more susceptible to these imbalances. The standard treatment are anti-depressants, but as many of you probably know, there are dozens of those.
The first one was Paxil. Paxil definitely helped me get out of the fog, but I went from a fairly svelte 140 pounds to a robust 210 pounds. I’m only five foot nine, so that was definitely too much weight. As I went through the treatment I went from feeling generally depressed to feeling depressed because I was fat. I eventually found Cymbalta and managed to get both in control.
In the last 20 years I went from that 210 pounds back 140. That also came with diabetes. Diabetes is a cruel kind of disease. By itself it’s not a big deal, but it causes so many other problems. I have had problems with my eyes, feet, kidneys, digestive system, and goodness knows what else. It seems like I’m going to some doctor every week and playing whack a mole. One problem seems to get better and another problem gets worse.
The other part of diabetes is the root cause. Some people will say it is caused by a bad diet and I can’t necessarily disagree with that. I drunk cola like it was going out of style. Still, people have a predisposition to get it or not depending on genetics. So, you could spiral and vacillate between self-pity and self-loathing.
I described fighting through a fog and that is exactly what it feels like. It’s like wearing gray colored glasses. Take all the personal stuff and add to it what is going on in the world around us and it can seem impossible to make it through. There is the normal middle aged stuff of moving into a stage of life when changes happen. Retirement is coming. Kids are getting older. Parents are getting older.
These thoughts dominate my thinking. It is the way I view the world. I have to train my mind to think positively. It becomes a mantra to help me get through the day. It becomes a way to view our politics and the social/religious issues that dominate our timeline. Anger quickly moves to despair. It can be overwhelming to deal with stupidity and cruelty for their own sake. We were supposed to be better than this. We are called to be better than this. Fighting it can feel like trying to rake sand off the beach.
The long and short of it is that I can offer excuses for not writing, but they are all a cop out. The cruel irony is that the writing serves as therapy for me. I’m not on the anti-depressants anymore. Writing is a lot cheaper and comes without the side effects. Besides I’m taking enough pills to keep the pharmaceutical industry afloat. Keep repeating the same mantras. Most people are basically good. This too shall pass. Our national nightmare will end and our lives will have meaning. Otherwise, there is a pill for that too.
If you don’t mind unsolicited advice, and please feel free to stop reading if you do, I have had very good luck so far with a thing called a Fisher Wallace device combined with hypnosis recordings that can be obtained at a website called Minds in Unison.
1Nick Carraway, continue with your writing therapy. It helps us all in so many ways. I am always glad to see your posts. You are very encouraging.
2As a diabetic myself, all I can suggest is that you try to think of diabetes as something you have. You don’t have a choice about it, and you don’t need the self-loathing part or blame for “bringing it on yourself.” You just have it. That’s enough to cope with. Also, some words of cheer from my very religious grandmother, from a long time ago, which work, even if you’re not religious: “And the Good Lord said “It came to pass; He never said it came to stay.”
As always with advice, ignore every word I just wrote, if it’s not helpful.
3Sending prayers, Nick.
Writing is one of my therapies, as well, and I’ve been neglecting it. Thanks for the nudge!
4Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. I think more than anything this was a way for me to explain one of the main reasons for my outlook and why I might seem more relentlessly positive than what is probably warranted.
5“I might seem more relentlessly positive than what is probably warranted.“
If I compare your column to everything else I read during the day, that’s definitely a plus.
6What Rick said.
7Nick, you owe no apologies for not writing enough or for your positive outlook. You are an admirable leader of this site. As we age, it’s more normal than not to develop things that make us uncomfortable. I developed RA at 68 which I have learned I have to live with painfully. However, I know that several friends and family have it worse, so I feel lucky. We deal with it as I know you are by your actions. Kudos
8Nick you may have heard of him before, but a psychologist named Martin Seligman wrote a book called Learned Optimism around 91 or so. I read it not long after and it definitely positively affected me. I used to tell folks all the time about it and still think it would be beneficial to anyone. It’s not a cure-all. And I have no illusions that it would eradicate a chemical imbalance.
9But I sincerely believe it might help deal with it. It’s not a series of feel good slogans like the the title might suggest, but is based on clinical research. It’s mainly about explanatory style, which I believe is a term he coined and is widely accepted now. He’s written several books since, and
is well respected. I know an educator who utilized it in his doctoral thesis.
Anyway, I hope you check it out, and I hope it helps.
Bless you, Nick! Your revelation was both brave and generous. Low blood sugar runs on one entire side of my family. When untreated it can impersonate immanent death. Economics can make it worse. Eating all the proper foods is amazingly expensive and there are times when such foods are not even available shop-wise. Writing is definitely therapeutic. Best of luck to you and yours!
10Thank you again to everyone for the kind words and personal perspectives. I think that is the main reason why I wrote it. I want to share what makes me tick as I know sometimes we can be exasperated with someone when we don’t understand where they are coming from.
I am only 50, so I don’t have the wealth of life experience everyone else has, but it seems to me that we did a better job in the past of understanding where people were coming from and therefore understanding the whys and what fors behind their opinions. Now, it is just straight to demonizing. However, I know we often romanticize the past, so maybe that is just my perception of reality and not reality itself.
One of the advantages of living in a conservative world (religion, community, some family) is that I have grown to understand their language. I understand the thoughts behind the words. Sure, there are the people that attend the rallies that have very few thoughts banging around in their heads, but most of the people I interact with are reasonably intelligent people and still carry some of the same thoughts and feelings.
They feel their way of life is being invaded and trampled on. When you are bombarded by that imagery and that thinking 24/7 then it can seem impossible to penetrate that. So, I try to utilize the language they know and relate to as a way to pierce it somehow. It’s like tilting at windmills and demands a certain perspective or it will feed that depression I spoke of. So, I utilize the language of the parables and think of the lost sheep. Dozens might still hurdle themselves over the cliff chasing after Agolf Shitler (as I have seen by Jeff Tedrich) but if you rescue that one or two it is still a victory we can claim.
11In other news. I hope there’s a pill to help us with a special prosecutor wanting to do a James Comey and put his thumb on the presidential race by interjecting his personal bias for trumpf against Biden.
12It’s Friday.
I miss JJ’s editorial cartoons.
But I miss JJ more.
I can’t post images, so for now here’s a link to The Night of the Living Dread:
13https://www.duluthnewstribune.com/opinion/cartoons/editorial-cartoon-for-thursday-feb-8
“Dozens might still hurdle themselves over the cliff chasing after Agolf Shitler (as I have seen by Jeff Tedrich) but if you rescue that one or two it is still a victory we can claim.”
Thanks, Nick, for the background on where you’re coming from, and your efforts to reach those who respond to the wiles of That Guy. I wish you luck in your efforts–we all have people in our lives like that, and many of us hope those folks can somehow be brought to think differently.
14That’s kind of a thanks no thanks for me. It hits way too close to home, but I don’t do well with prescription drugs. Had some success with acid and weed, but the dangers of losing motivation altogether are real. A couple of what might be called manic episodes helped me get through a PhD, but my outlook is often so gray that I hate black and beige.
15I became aware of politics at a far too young age, I think.
Now, as an octogenarian, I don’t expect much change, but for younger people, a new political world (without guns) that guarantees a good life for everyone might be as good a cure as pharmaceuticals.
Sorry but I’m on to other news. I had subscribed to the NYT but stopped because I was tired of their political slant. I still get their “headlines” and today found it typical of the media today. Their headline was why is Biden’s age is more negative than trumpf’s. Duh- because you make it that way. Seriously, they hyped the not Ben Hur prosecutor editorial report about Biden’s memory (they used a parent’s most tramatic event- loss of a child) to suggest Biden couldn’t remember the death of his son. As Jeff Tiedrich would say, WTF. Even NBC, CBS and other mainstream media seem to be downplaying Trumpf’s obvious gaffs bu trumpf but focus on Biden’s age. Geeze
16Oh, and go niners and puppy bowl.
Well, the ex-idiot in chief has given VoteVets more ammunition on how much he disrespects active duty and past military again. Busting on Maj. Haley for serving with his troops overseas is as horrible as mocking POWs, wounded, and military cemetery’s. VoteVets is supposed to have a Super Bowl commercial attacking that draft dodger tonight.
17Major Haley had a good comeback for trumpf-
https://twitter.com/WMichaelHaley/status/1756442971908550891
Also, last night Trumpf reminded us of his feelings about defending our allies in NATO- that he would never come to their aid in Europe and would like for Putin to do whatever he likes against NATO. He’s a maniac.
18Pretty eye opening article worth reading-
19https://www.politico.com/newsletters/playbook/2024/02/11/wild-and-dangerous-trump-upstages-elderly-biden-00140853
Sorry for my multiple comments on this but Jeff Tiedrich says it better and uses language I would like to use about what’s going on with the media, trumpf vs Biden. Again, language warning:
https://www.jefftiedrich.com/p/media-what-the-fuck-are-you-doing?publication_id=1162742&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=email-share&triggerShare=true&r=2di6n7
20Thanks,Steve,for your postings. I keep waiting for him to finally say something so outrageous that it’s the nail in the coffin for his public image but it seems nothing is so mean and low that it ain’t “just him being him”.
21Regarding the comments and news items here about iDJTs latest depredations:
Does anyone else suspect that Komrade Donnei’s good buddy Jeffery Epstein’s untimely death might have been a hitjob, ordered by the then supreme mob boss sitting in the WH [10Aug2019]?
In order to silence him from possibly revealing some really depraved behavior that Epstein might have let slip out?
Hmmm, think about it…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Epstein#Death
22Even better link:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Jeffrey_Epstein#Homicide_suspicions_and_conspiracy_theories
23Sandridge, interesting possibility. In magat world that would be justifiable homicide by der leader. I’m pretty sure there are many secrets in trumpf’s closet including those in possession of his favorite autocrat, putin, thus his NATO comments. I’m glad at least a few media outlets have jumped on his NATO comments- except Kristen chuck todd welker. As Jeff Tiedrich would say, WTF.
24Steve @24, Yeah but, none of it matters to MAGAots.
25There’s absolutely nothing that would dissuade them from worshiping their Dear Leader, he can do absolutely anything, and it would never be seen as wrong.
Steve @16, while I’m not disagreeing with you in general, I have to recommend Morning Joe.
26Any morning.
Right now.