UCT: Dog Catches Car Edition
We innerupt dis broadcast of “Da Blaming of Da Shrew” in order to bring ya our next episode of Unintentional Consequences T’eater. I am yer host wit’ da most, Primo’s Uncle, James Tiberius Grobnik. Wit’ me as always, dat corner purveyor of Old Style Beer, my frien’ Pete.
[Tiberius?]
Pipe down, Primo, it’s a stage name. You said we could do dis ourselves. In tonight’s episode, we are lookin’ at da unintended consequences of da dog dat caught da car (h/t Lyntilla!).
Pete: How come I gotta play da girl part?
Barstool: Because Primo is MY nephew. Shuddup and read.
Pete: Fodder, you have won da Presidency despite great odds, what are you gonna do now.
Barstool: Well, my darling daughter Ivanka, I am gonna President from Monday t’ru T’ursday, and den I’m gonna golf or somet’in’.
Pete: But my Fodder, you know not how to… Primo! Can I be yer uncle, just fer da purposes a’dese T’eaters?
[I dunno, Pete. What’s my bar tab?]
Pete: Zip! Zilch! Zero! My cuff is now clean.
[Good enough for me. Uncle Tiberius, grab his girl parts.]
Barstool: No way! I ain’t dat kinda guy, and I especially ain’t Dat Guy.
Pete: Like hell yer not! Say’s right dere on da scrip’: “DAT GUY….Uncle Jimmy.”
Barstool: Uh-uh, no way.
Pete: Den let me be Dat Guy. Gimme da scrip’.
[Ya know? In retrospect, I don’t think any of us wants to be Dat Guy. Give me the scripts.]
Barstool: I especially now don’t wanna be Dat Guy. He spent da whole election puttin’ off bad stories, avoidin’ embarrassin’ trials, hidin’ ties to da Russkies, buryin’ his finances, and runnin’ away from da Press. Don’t he know dat, now, dey got four years of deep, intense, painful scrutiny not of just him, but everybody aroun’ him? By winnin’ he just ensured dat everybody wit’ a word processor is gonna be sniffin’ t’ru his whole goddamn life. Plus dose of his Cabinet o’ Deplorables an’ his family.
[“Word Processor?”]
Pete: So da Unintended Consequence is dat his fragile little ego will continue to get da crap beat outta it for four more years?
[That’s right, Uncle Pete! Tiberius, take us out.]
Barstool: We are gonna renegotiate da roles before da next one a’dese, I promise yuz bot’. In da meantime, dis concludes dis episode of Unintended Consequences T’eater, Dog Catches Car Edition. We now return yuz to yer regularly scheduled program, already in regress.
What’s that old saying-keep your gropable daughter closer or something?
1As I’ve said before…I cannot believe Dat Guy could really handle being president where he’s under fairly constant ridiculing attack. He cannot handle being ridiculed, how could he possibly survive 4 constant years of it without breaking the constitution apart to stifle free speech.
2OT- Brits are tweeting they want Obama for PM after his presidency is up.
Drumpf is our Prezzy-dense?
3Much as I would like to smile at the dialogue, I am in terror for our country now that the horror not just of Trump, but the Republican destruction crew and the white supremacy haters has been unleashed on us. The Congress, White House, Supreme Court and most of the lower court judges will soon leave nowhere to go for help. The economy, environment, foreign relations, rights of women and minorities and education will suffer tremendous setbacks. Seniors dependent on social Security and Medicare and the poor on Medicaid are going to feel the brunt of the Republican attack. All hope seems lost.
4maryelle, yeah, but the rich people will get big tax cuts, so what’s not to like?
5Dat one might not stay in the big white house for all four. He has less self countrol than a feral dog. But it will still be hell for most of us, Maryelle.
6I am a follower and have actually met Susan! She is the only celebrity that I name drop in my credentials. I am thrilled to see and will watch for more scripts of Unintended Consequences T’eater!!! I don’t follow much on Facebook anymore except cute kitty and puppy pictures until they tell me “how to” survive and help those in need during the Fall of Rome, part II.
7Uncle Jimmy, Primo, and Pete: Spot on! Unfortunately, I’m still scared out of my mind. But I’ll laugh, because if I didn’t, I’d be curled up under a blanket in a corner, rocking back and forth and moaning in terror. Dat Guy is plenty terrible, but his cronies are worse.
8I’m curled up under a blanket in the corner….
9= :o(
Welcome Uncle Jimmy! As a man with such distinguished linguistic talent, there is a job for you with Donnie’s administration. Words matter. So maybe that job is more “outside” than “with” his administration. Dog knows who Donnie will appoint as WH press secretary, but what we do know is we need a translator that can decipher both Donnie speak and whatever his appointed ‘walk back’ person is really saying. We know they’re lying when they open their mouths. But we need someone who can unscramble the lies under the lies with the tenacity to dig through many layers of lies.
Remember when Donnie said (said being the polite word for lie with this incoming regime) he would surround himself with “great people?” Rudy Ghoul as Secretary of State means that ‘great’ actually means those afflicted with serious delusions of grandeur. In Donnie’s world being a large city mayor means making the public transportation run with Mussolini style efficiency, dealing with the occasional storm and taking out the trash on time. Fugeddabout policing, that has been abdicated to Homeland Security and the military for a rapid strike force. America and ‘public transportation’ in the same sentence is too ironic to laugh, although I did hear Angela Merkel giggling. Bibi should have a real belly laugh, if Rudy broaches the subject of sanitation engineering. Taking out the trash to being Sec of State? In that world, we are all qualified, once the wife trains us.
Donnie delivered on promise #2, even if his timing was off by a president. POTUS45 will have the world laughing at us bigly time.
Yeah dat dog caught the car, but he’s beginning to look like the proverbial “deer in the headlights.” This where you come in as translator, Uncle Jimmy. We need to know BEFORE the fact when dat dog is ready to bite. Darn mutt growls so much that it’s nearly impossible to predict its bites.
10I’m sorry, but I don’t find this attempt at humor, with its heavy-handed accents parody, funny at all. It doesn’t make any new points. I know we may need to laugh to keep from crying, but this piece just doesn’t strike me as clever or witty. Sorry, y’all.
11Remember the good old days when Obama was just a community organizer in the White House?
The next white house needs the elephant sanitation department on call to clean up after the mangled apricot hellbeast and spawn from hellbeast hell.
12I’m sorry, but I don’t find this attempt at humor, with its heavy-handed accents parody, funny, clever, or witty at all. I know we may need to laugh to keep from crying, but Primo, this piece isn’t up to your standard. Sorry, y’all.
13Well I think “Unintentional Consequences T’eater” is very funny. Thanks Primo.
When I learned that the Cheetoh-faced Ferret-wearing Shitgibbon Cocksplat had appointed JooLeeAnny to State, it made me think of Shrub sending the walrus mustache to the UN. We survived, as did the UN.
We each deal with the election in whatever way we need to for our survival. I struggle with anxiety anyway, so my way is to think that this may not be all that bad. We survived GWB and we’ll probably get through this too. That may not be based in reality, but it’s working for me, so that’s what I’m sticking with. I have to take care of my mental health as we all are in different ways.
14PKM: Trump’s choice for White House press secretary is obvious.
Sarah Palin.
15The last I heard both Guiliani and Bolton (U.N. some years ago) were possibles. Lock them both in a windowless room and lets see who gets out alive. I have it on unimpeachable information that R’s are world champions at cannibalizing.
16slipstream, $carah translating for Donnie will require a squadron of translators. Preferably drunk. If they don’t drink now, the odds are after a week in that job they’ll be calling Boehner for a map to the best Dee Cee watering holes.
Debbo, I’ve been busy with a calf birth and stuff today. Is it official that Rudy Ghoul is Sec of State? Only in math do two negatives equal a positive. Two unqualified dopes are a recipe for disaster.
As for classified briefings for Donnie’s 3 oldest spawn? No, nyet, nein and no way. Not that Donnie won’t blab enough, their conflicts of interest would make that ‘courtesy’ a major misstep.
17Thank you, Primo. Next time in English, huh?
18Woo-Hoo, a hat-tip! I’m really hoping for a fight between Paul Ryan, Trump & McConnell for Alpha Male Cur. I think the Dems best tactic is to slip notes to Trump saying that the other two said bad stuff about him.
We need to get people lined up at the state level so we can take over as many state houses as possible for 2020.
Is there any possible way, any possible way, to get Garland Merrick onto the court at this point?
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