Dr. Carson and Rev. Hyde
by Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo
One of the great mysteries of the 2015 campaign season is how a pediatric neurosurgeon with hands as gifted as Dr. Ben Carson’s – so gifted, they made them into not one, but TWO movies (one for each hand?), each creatively named “Gifted Hands” – could have turned into the dull-witted, hate-spewing moron near the top of the GOP polls, second only to the white, dull-witted, hate-spewing moron at the top of the GOP polls.
But now, exclusive to Juanita Jean’s WMDBS, we have the answer.
Carson has long been a leading advocate and practitioner of hemispherectomy. In order to control otherwise uncontrollable seizures, he literally cuts out, disconnects, disables or otherwise de-activates fully half of the brain. In past centuries, this was called “getting religion.” But here in the 21st Century, all that is passé, because we have frickin’ laser beams.
Carson – himself an angry, bitter, rage-filled young man – turned to religion in his teens as a way to shut off his darkness. But as he got older, and richer, but no more white, he found the rage returning. So he locked himself in his lab, way up in the tower of Castle d’ Oreo, atop Mt. Aphor, and studied, and thought, and prayed.
Carson had observed over and over in his career that the human brain had a remarkable capacity for regeneration, of sorts. Destroyed neural pathways are bypassed naturally, with new pathways growing to replace the old. This ability, called neuroplasticity, along with the ability of the remaining hemisphere to take over jobs that belonged to its counterpart, led Carson to believe that he could sublimate his rage, self-abnegation and general feelings of inadequacy through surgery, as well as more prayer.
So he set his neuro-phaser to “stunned,” handed it to his humpbacked manservant, Jindal, and ordered him to aim carefully. After hitting several other things including the wall (scarred), a cage full of turtles (lobotomized), and himself (no effect), Jindal finally focused on his master and pushed “fricassee.”
It was a brilliant success, at first. Carson became calm to the point of catatonia, and his speech slowed down so much the lobotomized turtles got annoyed, but otherwise, Carson felt emboldened, super-human, even, dare-he-say, Presidential. “Me too,” piped Jindal.
But Carson had not counted on the double effects of the left-brain-ectomy, decoupled from a right-brain riddled with seculaphobia. (The rats he’d experimented with were atheists.) Everything was fine until, invited to address a prayer breakfast, Carson suddenly found himself spewing the most ridiculous jabberwocky imaginable. Suddenly, instead of being the smartest guy in the room, he found that he’d lost all capacity for rational thought. But it felt GOOD. It felt EMPOWERING. It felt…
BLANCHED.
Thus, the good man who was Dr. Carson, surgical superhero, was sublimated by a new super-villain identity, Reverend Hyde: racist, narcoleptic, sexist, neocon, uberChristian, homophobic Republican candidate for President and all-around evil former-genius, raging in slow-motion at all the liberal kids trampling the lawn of theocracy.
He will last as long in this circus as Herman CAin did in his.
1He’s Uncle Ruckus from Boondocks.
2Excellent!
3Did you see the Borowitz report? He did a great routine on how Ben Carson doesn’t make other Nurosurgeons feel like “Geeks” anymore ( my words not his). You don’t have to be smart like a Rocketscientist to be a brain surgeon, again my words, with appologies to Rocketscientists everywhere. Ben Carson proves that.
4Jethro Bodine(Beverly Hillbillies) wanted to be a brain surgeon with his 5th grade education and his cyphering.
5My daughter averes, bencarson conducts procedures on salads. If not a salad before he prays, certainly after he’s preyed on their insecurities and superstitions.
My daughter has a real M.D. from U.of Chicago …just like her paternal grandmother.
Might have the p r e/a y s backward.
6Just for the record, hemispherectomy — removing half the brain — can be a legitimate treatment of seizures that are absolutely disabling. If it’s done on a young child, the brain can adapt and the child can have a pretty normal life, better than with constant seizures.
If done on an adult, what you probably get is a half-wit who thinks he’s qualified to be President of the United States despite never having held any public office. Apparently somebody zapped Trump and Fiorina too. Why don’t these people start with city council and work up?
7I thought doctors were smart.
8Yeah, well, Primo, that’s all very clever. Extremely clever, even. You’re one helluva writer. But, though I’m one who considers Dr. Carson to be pretty much an idiot savant (and, no, the “savant” part does not refer to his current persona), your little rant there makes me want to puke.
9Carson may be a medical savant, while missing the parts of the brain which cover reason, empathy, logic etc. Definitely not a good candidate for the presidency.
10During a career in observing docs & loaning stethoscopes since twenty, eventually it becomes obvious that no matter how excellent their skills, often medical practice is their greatest, sometimes only redeeming quality. Well rounded mensches in medicine are as common as in football, movies, or rock & roll. Give thanks for the work they do, but don’t assume they are capable of much else. Demanding lives tend to narrow your focus rather than expand your mind. Poor Dr. Carson will likely be remembered for his sad, thoughtless campaign than for the lives he has blessed & improved
11Carson is a good example of a guy who thinks sharpened skills mean a Renaissance mind. He makes some sense, but he’s still Dunning-Kreuger Effect.
12I wonder if his education once included that concept.
Saw an article the other day, can’t remember where, saying that a psychopath could save your life, if s/he’s a focused, obsessed, even if amoral, surgeon. Could be talking about this guy. Doesn’t mean I want him in charge of anything outside an OR.
13Token Arkansan nails the wingnut field of candidates,whether intentional or not. Wingnuts have a narrow focus mainly because they are narrow minded and blind to the suffering of the poor,the elderly,children,etc. This also makes them undesirabnle as politicians for all but the 1%.
14Ole Scout: you may have Dr. Ben confused with Dr. John: He needed some brain salad surgery; had to cure his insecurity.
You were in the right vein, seems it was the wrong arm.
Unless you’ve been a common palmer in the Emerson Lake area, in which case I apologize for stealing your fanfare.
15Physician, heal thyself.
16Jifster, you are entitled to your opinion. I loved the rant. At present we can revel in pointing out the profound weakness of the “right” and mock it. That’s a heckuva lot better than proclaiming, like Fiorina, in public that she actually SAW the non existent videos. People believe her, including my PHD brother in law.
17daChipster is on a roll tonight! No,you are not butter.
18Chippy … i didn’t know you were so common a man
191. of my favorites : http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xiif57_emerson-lake-palmer-fanfare-for-the-common-man-1977-promo-video_music
20a sound check
When a journalist asks a presidential candidate, “Shall we simply ignore the Constitution?” and the candidate says, “It depends,” the nation is in trouble.
21I used to occasionally refer to Dr. Ben as “Herman Cain with a skill”. I now realize I was waaay too harsh on Herman.
22Herman Cain with a SkilSaw.
23daChipster, your play with/on words is an entertaining challenge. It took a minute, but I finally got the Emerson, Lake and Palmer reference.
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