Yeah, Because What Else Would You Need in Your Survival Bunker Other Than A Camo Bible?
Lord, forgive them because they know not what they do. No seriously, Lord, they ain’t got a clue what they’re doing most of the damn time.
Because King James does not have a proper grasp of the English language …
Two cast members of the A&E reality show “Duck Dynasty” have announced the release date of their most recent book, a Duck Commander-themed Bible slated to be released online and in retail stores on Oct. 28.
We can only assume that other various Duck Commander money-making cheap crap entrepreneurial efforts from China will be sold along side the Holy Quackin’ Bible.
So The Holy Bible is going to be translated into phony reality show with a dose of hate and marrying 16 year olds on top.
I wonder if I can special order mine with a catfish bookmarker and a bullet hole through the parts I don’t like?
Thanks to Brian for the heads up.
I wonder if they ever did any market research? Do they actually think someone who has lived in the swamp for generations is going to drop by the mall and actually buy one of these “books”? Inquiring minds want to know.
1In a Duck Commander-themed Bible:
Genesis: “let us make man in our own image and give him dominion over everything the walks, flies or crawls especially women. And let us give him guns to maintain that dominion.
Exodus: “And Moses spake unto Pharoah saying you can have my magic staff when you pry it from my cold dead hands.” Edward G Robinson no longer in the role of Dathan.
Leviticus: “Just so we’re clear here, thou shall not lie with another man as with a woman or we WILL be able to do whatever we want to you, including not having to give you a wedding gift at least as expensive as the meal, or dragging you with our pickup trucks.”
Numbers: “Cancelled. We don’t do math.”
Matthew: Sermon on the Mount turned into a hunting trip. On which nothing remarkable was said about the poor, the meek or the other 47%ers
Luke: Magi now dressed in camo, brought gold, guns and ammo.
Epistles of Paul: Just the parts about women keeping silent in Church, or out of church, and being submissive.
Apocalypse: Anti-christ now identified as “Barry”, number of the beast discounted to 44.
2At least they haven’t decided to use human skin for the binding like that French chap did a while back. http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/05/harvard-confirms-book-is-bound-in-human-skin/
3Oh, daChipster…. once again, you make my day.
Can anyone imagine Liberals re-writing the Bible? RWNJs would have their bowels in an uproar over that. Blasphemy!
OTOH…. we have deChipster. I bet our version would be hella entertaining and a lot more fun!
4Would it be wrong to pray that Jesus comes down and punches these guys in the neck?
5Lorraine, it would be something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens. And being a super-massive singularity, the heavens were void and without form and altogether pretty boring because all matter/energy was compressed down to a teensy, weensy dot. And God said “I can’t see a Medamn thing! I could use some light.” And BANG! Time began, the singularity expanded rapidly and, bye and bye, light sort of created itself.
And with light to see by, God said “This place is a mess!” and so he swept up some matter into little gravitationally attractive dust piles. And the dust piles he called “protogalactic clouds,” and the empty space he called “empty space.”
God is pretty practical.
And also pretty lazy, because from that point on, he left everything to run itself, having invented science, including that tricksy quantum stuff just to mess with us for he knew, eventually, we’d be along. Because being outside of time, everything in time exists for him at once. And never.
Descended from Jurassic squirrels and not really grokking any of this, a not-very-remarkable Bronze Age tribe decided they were, in fact, da BOMB among Bronze Age tribes because God did all of this for them ONLY. And the one thing that WAS remarkable about them was they had some pretty good PR guys who wrote fabulous copy. Although rather than MadMen, they were, in some cases, actually madmen.
Today, they are just mad men. And they still want 10% of your stuff for which they will gladly tell you how to live your life. Meanwhile, God rolls his eyes and wonders if he should just start over.
6Hucksters are shameless. Gee, we didn’t know that.
7Actually, this isn’t funny. They have been busy revising history. Now they are going to change the bible. Go forward 20 years and see how all this revising is going to look. It will make Idiocracy look like a documentary for the USA.
8I like their stated goals. What I don’t like is what they actually do. I think I’ll go look at another one; this one is so annoying. The guys aNd their Bible I mean. Not y’all.
9daChipster–you need to write a book or two or three…. I would buy them all.
10“The Word According to Graft”, including the Book of Duck.
11I’ll trade you two Tammy Faye Baker videos for one of these here Duck Bibles.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/eyes_of_tammy_faye/
12@deChipster
Please, please, please start a website for this.
I bow to your mastery of humor and language.
13Well, anything for a buck, or a duck, as the case may be.
14daChipster . . . nice Heinlein reference there.
15Did they miss the part about beating swords into plowshares?
16Lorraine, I hear tell that old Tom Jefferson did his best to rewrite the scriptures. He cut out whatever he found totally wacko, as in unprovable. All those RWNJ’s who sometimes remember him as a Founding Father always overlook that part of his talent.
17If the lord loves a duck,what does he/she/it think of duck hunters?
18Corinne Sabo, ROFL about “Did they miss the part about beating swords into plowshares?”
As based on evidence from their own mouths and actions, would say the entire Book sailed over their heads. It’s no wonder that the buffet Xtians and selective memory “Trickle Down” failure conservatives have bonded in mutual st00pidity.
19e platypus onion, She might forgive them a meal, but at a guess, She is more than a little upset with their hatred spew.
20Space is already being cleared adjacent to the gun and ammo counter in each Walmart Super Center in order to accommodate prominent displays of the Bible According to Duck Commander.
21I used to have a bumper sticker which read, “God is coming and is She PISSED!” Where did I get it, you ask? Why, at one of my church’s national conventions, naturally. Ya just have to find the right group of Christians (and even then, we need a lot of patience and forgiveness from each other). I sold that car and haven’t been able to find another bumper sticker like that one. Besides, these days, my husband would be a nervous wreck if I carried our kids in a car with such a bumper sticker. We live in Texas, after all.
22You would have to be careful where you place your camo bible, you may never find it again.
23for god so loved the world he gave……..up. What a freakin’ mess!
24@ VintageMomma
http://7mat2p4zx64lewmu.zippykid.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Screen-Shot-2014-06-06-at-5.34.45-PM.png
Your bumper sticker awaits.Plus 15% off.
25I wonder if their plan is to leave one in every duck and deer blind in the country: Gidiot’s Bible.
26@Maggie
Sounds like something Rick Perry would do. If he could read. Oops.
@deChipster
“Gidiot’s Bible”.
Well, we can shut down the intertoobz now. You just won the internet.
Thanks for playing!
27@ chipster- props for getting the physics right. light didn’t come along until well after the initial whoosh.Also props for Gidiot’s bible.
28@ Maggie. Jefferson’s bible is not the only thing the wingers ignore about that particular daddy.He’s always been problematic for them. They’d like to embrace him wholeheartedly but can’t.
What would be the point,daChipster? Deer and ducks can’t read. Maybe they should be illustrated.
29e platypus onion, didn’t some fundy dimwit already produce basically a “Bible for Dummies?” Forgive for not having a cite, but it’s not a branch on my tree of favorites.
Then again, not being privy to all things Ducky Dynasty, maybe Raffy Daffy Cruz, Jr, was a consultant to Patriarch Pathetic and yet another coloring book is about to hit the market.
Memo to self: invest in Crayola and every company that creates ingredients for white crayons.
For real folks, as the RWNJs unravel, they’ll create a massive shortage of white crayons to indoctrinate little children and fear base adults.
30Last night, I attended The Shul of New York’s twice-monthly service. I’m a nonbeliever, and it’s one of those very welcoming places; I’m learning more about my heritage. And the music is terrific. Rabbi Burt was talking about the problems so many of us have with “chosen people,” and said what we really are is unique. That sits better with me than chosen.
Lord love a duck, that’s one babble I’ll never read. As far as bible scholars go, I prefer John Wycliffe and William Tyndall.
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