daChipster’s Totally Scientific Complete Jackass Test.
Everyone gets called a complete jackass at some time in their lives because, well, let’s face it, we probably shouldn’t have eaten the last of the cereal and then put the empty box back in the pantry. But just in case you were wondering “am I actually a complete jackass? Or just prone to occasional jerkiness?” wonder no more. Just take this simple quiz, and you will know.
1) The President of the United States is
a) Barack Obama
b) Illegitimate (by any definition you choose)
c) A foreigner
d) A dictator
e) A communist
f) A fascist
g) A Muslim
h) All of the above
2) The ultimate arbiter of history is
a) Historians
b) The victors
c) The Bible
3) The ultimate arbiter of science is
a) Peer review
b) Campaign donors with fat wallets
c) The Bible
4) People who decry racism, sexism and homophobia are
a) Right
b) Racist, sexist and gay – respectively
c) Impinging on my religious freedom
d) All the answers in #1 above
e) UnAmerican
f) Going to hell
5) The “invisible hand of the market” is
a) Code for “the rich get richer”
b) The same thing as the hand of God
c) Gonna git you, sucka
d) Always right
e) The cure for poverty, shingles & everything wrong in society
f) Democracy in action
6) A woman’s body is
a) Her business (and mysteriously awesome)
b) Suitable only for procreation and the comfort of a man
c) The only thing the government should regulate
d) Worth about 77% of a man’s body
e) My business
f) A temple of some magical ghost and subject to her husband
g) A future-patriot factory
7) The Second Amendment is
a) Not carte blanche to have an arsenal to use with impunity
b) The First Commandment
c) The only one that counts, oh, and 10 too
d) My license to kill
e) Proof that I’m a man
f) Better than porn
8) The Affordable Care Act is
a) The law of the land
b) The beginning of the end
c) The spawn of the devil
d) Gonna kill grandma, not that that’s a deal breaker
e) About to bankrupt America
f) A plot against white Christian Americans
g) All the answers in #1 above
Answer key:
All A: Congratulations, you are an intelligent human being and all-around good egg
1-2 Non-A: Go back and check your answers, and use a number 2 pencil this time!
3-6 Non-A: depending on which ones, you’re either steeple sheeple, a smart-ass (i.e. prone to occasional jerkiness) or randomly checking answers
7-8 Non-A: Not only are you a first-class asshole, you’re inherently evil, incredibly un-American, invincibly ignorant, and you probably eat Puppy Chow for breakfast – made of real puppies.
DA CHIPSTER MADE THE FRONT PAGE, HONEY! (Is he interviewing for the Substitute Juanita Jean job? He cain’t have it ‘cuz
1. ain’t NOBUDDY like Juanita Jean.
12. he ain’t a woman. Is he?
3. how do you know?
4. he passed the final exam from the Juanita Jean’s Political Comments Academy but he’s still an intern.
I truly do love daChipster, and I mean no offense to Mrs. daChipster. In the past, I’ve loved Mike Royko, Dave Barry, Stephen King, and various other authors, and their wives will testify that I am less than no threat at all. Just sayin’. I also love JJ, so there ya’ go.
2At last. A test in which I got straight “A”s. A-men. (so to speak0
3Great way to start the day!
4Grin. Time to go work on drawings for THE SECRET BUZZARD SOCIETY. Did I tell y’all it will be self-published by COMBURG CASTLE PRESS when I get it all glued together, metaphorically speaking? If you find that pen and ink drawing of the ugly cedar tree with a couple of buzzard eggs lying under it, would you please send it on back? Buzzards ain’t too picky about where they lay their eggs. It’s a wonder they survive at all.
5I think I won something.
6CHERYL, you did! YOU WON A COPY OF THE SECRET BUZZARD SOCIETY. If it ever gets published.
7Wow, straight A. Just like my old grades from way back when. Thanks, JJ and DaChipster.
8Once again, daChipster rocks my world and makes my day! Truly, is there anyone more attractive than someone who knows how to THINK?
9Brilliant! Perfect! (And I passed, too. 🙂 )
10Puppy chow!! Still laughing! Great test!
11It’s hard to believe anyone in this day and age could flunk this test, BUT may I present exhibit A: The Republican Senators who this very morning refused to allow the Equal Pay bill to proceed, and B: The Republican Representatives who shut down our government and wasted 27 billion dollars, and
12C: the idiots who voted for them.
Had a little trouble with #2, but I decided that the victors don’t last as long as the historians who write the books.
Great test. Now how do we make it a qualification for running for office, including school boards?
13Had the same thought Rhea. The victors shape the history, then the historians sort it out for the facts and events.
Republicans would be 0/8. The possibilities to the first question would explode their gohmert heads. They’d never get to the other 7 questions.
14(sarcasm on)
THIS TEST AIN’T VALID BECUZ IT DON’T GIVE THE REAL ANSWERS: IRS-BENGAZI-FASTN’FURIOUS-OBAMACARETAKINGAWAYMAHGUNZ!!!!!.
(sarcasm off)
I got stuck watching 10 minutes of the FN channel yesterday. Coming out of commercials, they threw up a story that literally combined Benghazi, the IRS and the discredited “targeting of conservative organizations”, Obamacare (why it’s bad for America, how people are losing their insurance left and right, how the extra money people are having to pay for insurance is going to fund the abortion malls being built across the country, and how “the books are being cooked” with regard to enrollment numbers), Fast & Furious (and how Atty General Holder is deliberately covering up evidence), government confiscation of guns, and how Obama is trampling on religious freedom to discriminate and hate those “blah” people. (Oh yes, of course it was a FN Alert, so you know it must be important)
It was a buzzword bingo card that would have won a black-out game.
15@Rhea and KPM – You are in good company. From Ralph El “For history records the patterns of men’s lives…who fought and who won and who lived to lie about it afterwards” (439)…. [tags: Ralph Ellison Invisible Man Essays]lison –
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