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“I cannot believe y’all are being so mean to Dr. Laura,” started Thelma this morning when she entered the salon wearing her gold skin tight pedal pushers and flowing leopard shirt.  Thelma usually wear a size 22, but she says that a size 20 looked so good on her that she bought a size 16.  Parts of Thelma get there a couple seconds after her clothes do.

“Dr. Laura is a wonderful woman who has helped many people see the evils of liberalism and godless islamo- democracy,” said Thelma to the literary amazement of Juanita.

“And now she has to quit her radio show to be free, free, I tell you, to say what is in her heart.  Because, you, yes, you Juanita, hate Dr. Laura’s heart.  Last night on Larry King, Dr. Laura was talking to you, Juanita, when she said that she’s quitting her radio show because  ….”

“The reason is I want to regain my First Amendment rights,” she told King, according to E! Online. “I want to be able to say what’s on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors. I’m sort of done with that.”

“All she wants is to be able to say the N word without you getting all up in her face, Juanita!”  Thelma was working herself into a lather and the scent of Evening in Pasadena was growing stronger the hotter Thelma got.   It was not pleasant.

“Dr. Laura needs to say the N word without all you Marxist Islamic Socialist Nazis getting upset,” Thelma says in a voice that sounds like a teaspoon in the garbage disposal.

“Thelma!  Grab ahold of them reins and holler whoa!” Juanita said.  “All I’m saying is that if Dr. Laura walks into this beauty salon, and God knows the woman needs to, and says the N word, Verdelia is gonna be all upside her head with the Baptist hymnal she carries in her purse.”

“Yep – I’ll whack some Jesus into her heart,” Verdelia proudly said.

And I would bet money on that.