Quick! Close the Borders! UPDATED: Well, It Fooled Me.
Thanks to Harold Cook for the knock upside the head. This story came from The Daily Currant, which is like The Onion. Dayum, it sounded so much like Michele that I just had to use it. Which just goes to show, you cannot parody Michele Bachman. She is parody-proof. I need to remember that.
Michele Bachmann is a tad peeved over Minnesooota passing marriage equality.
She is so upset, in fact, that she’s thinking of moving to Oregon. Oregon? Is she serious?
And does she think marriage equality in Minnesooota will cause people to become upset? Not really. It’s more like —
“I don’t know what it will be, Bruce,” she said. “It could be an earthquake. It could be a volcano. It could be some sort of flesh eating virus. All I know is that God does not let homosexuality go unpunished, and Minneapolis is next in line for his wrath.”
Holy crap! A volcano in Minneapolis! Hell, I’d move to Minnesooota just to see that. That would probably be pretty cool.
When they asked her why other states who approved marriage equality haven’t had volcanoes and flesh eating viruses and whatnot, she said “it’s only a matter of time.” Well hell, Michele, in 20 million years the sun will burn out and prove your sweet patootie right.
And I’m not sure about this but I think she’s forming a wagon train.
“It breaks my heart to think that the Democrats are willing to play politics with the lives of so many Minnesotans. And I hate to leave so many of my constituents behind, but I urge them – please, please – follow my example and get your loved ones to safety before it’s too late.”
She forgot to add the part about getting your husband outta town before he gets a boyfriend. That’s just a matter of time, too.
Thanks to Rachel for the heads up.
Best thing that could happen to Minnesota. Does she think they’ll vote her back into office in Oregon?
1Or maybe that’s another one of those Rush Limbaugh/Ted Nugent type threats. Will she break our hearts too?
2Is this retroactive? Flesh eating bacteria has been around much longer than marriage equality laws, as have volcanoes and earthquakes.
(Poor Oregon! What did they do to deserve this?)
3Her fellow Swiss citizens ahould be happy that she is not headed east.
4A few years ago, Switzerland heaved a big sigh of relief when Michele renounced her dual citizenship. Oregon, the National Weather Service has just issued a bull—- storm warning for your general direction. Hurricane Bachmann is about to be visited upon you for all your myriad liberal sins. It’s just, I’m not sure she knows what she’s getting into….
Okay, Number 1: Oregon DOES have a Constitutional Amendment against gay marriage BUT it allows domestic partnerships.
Number 2: There are two Supreme Court cases pending which could blow Oregon’s Amendment out of the water
3: Even if it doesn’t, there is a petition movement afoot to re-ammend the Constitution in November 2014
4: (from teh Google) A December 2012 Public Policy Polling survey found that 54% of Oregon voters thought same-sex marriage should be allowed, while 40% thought it should not be allowed. 5% were not sure. According to an April 2013 DHM Research poll, 49% of Oregon voters supported changing the Oregon constitution to allow same sex marriage, 42% were opposed and 9% were undecided
5: Pete deFazio has won eleventy-seven straight elections, and even in the weird 2010 campaign he scored 54% of the vote, which tied his total the first time he won. Every other time, he’s never had less than 59% of the vote.
6: Oregon has public health care, medical marijuana and euthenasia (aka DEATH PANELS!)
7: Oregon has LOTS of volcanoes
8: Oregon has no Diebold machines, just vote by mail
Really, Michele? REALLY?
5As daChipster points out, Oregon is yet another subject about which Michelle knows absolutely zip, zero, nada. Oregon is a perfectly nice state and has done nothing to incur the plague of her residency. I might suggest that a state somewhat to the southeast of Minnesota might better suit her particular brand of idiocy. Lord save the Pacific Northwest from this scourge!
6Fooled me as well. Put a link to this post on my FB page. Just deleted it – but, truly, it sounded just like something that Michele Bachmann would say and do. Maybe there is hope – if MN passed marriage equality, maybe her voters will cast her out at long last in 2014. Can only hope.
7Juanita, did you know there’s a law for that?
The Wikipedia entry for Poe’s Law describes it like this:”Without a blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of extremism or fundamentalism that someone won’t mistake for the real thing.” This fits Michelle like a pair of Spanx.
The internet’s a beautiful thing.
8I heard Montana was her likely target. They have both been on their knees a lot lately. Michelle’s been praying and Marcus……
9As an Oregon resident, this and only this could get me on a “close the borders” bandwagon.
10Would that it were true.
11Michele doesn’t have time to leave Minnesoota. She spent all day last Wednesday seated on-camera, two rows behind the disgruntled testifiers in Darrell Issa’s Benghazi committee witch hunt. Just lurking … not doing anything useful for the constituents who sent her to Washington and are paying her salary.
Poetic justice for Michele would be if a gay newlywed couple moved in next door to her and left the window blinds up at night.
12Poor thing. She’s going to end up moving from state to state as each ratifies gay marriage. And what if the SCOFUS comes through? I think there’s a garbage barge which has been floating endlessly somewhere in the Pacific which might have room for her. Bon voyage, Michelle!
13Oregon’s marriage equality ban has been ruled unconstitutional by the ninth circuit which means as a poster above has stated the case is liable to end up in front of SCOTUS. However Oregon’s neighbor to the North has just instituted both marriage equality and Marijuana decriminalization, almost legalization.BS crazy Shelley may be jumping out of the pan into the fire.Plus which I think Oregon does have volcanoes. They may be dormant now but I’m sure BS crazy Shelley can reactivate them. I don’t believe Oregonians have much to worry about Bat guano crazy Shelley is not going to leave her cushy job which the gerrymandered sixth district of Minnesota keeps electing her to. Shelley herownself is about as close to a flesh-eating virus as anyone would want to get.
14And I fell for the one which announced Michele Bachmann was protesting the school lunches which had Mediterranean food like Pita and lentils and falafel. It sounded so much like something she’d get het up about.
15Minnesota has been “punished” enough with you in office Michelle. Please, move to Oregon if you so desire. Apparently most people in your state want nothing to do with your god or your politics.
16@Lynne: I rather suspect she thinks she can run for office in Minnesota from her new home in Oregon. Yeah I really do.
17Just as long as she stays Far North!
18Can you imagine Bachmann in, say….. Kentucky, or So. Carolina?!
Or, Texas!!!!
Hook her up with Any of the rogue minds in those states- we’d have a disaster of cataclysmic proportions!
I saw something on-line the other day that said Crazy Michelle was thinking of going back to Waterloo, Iowa where she was born! I wonder how those folks might feel about her showing up on their doorsteps!
19There needs to be a Poe’s Law about politics as well as evangelical Christianity. No matter how these gubmint loons get satirized, they’ll always manage to do something stupid enough to top it within the next week.
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