Romney Blames Obama for Semi-Tragic Accident
PRESS RELEASE:
In the early hours of Monday, September 10, 57 year old Junior Janochek, Jr. of Rosenberg, Texas, was walking home from Floozy Flo’s Bar and Buffalo Wings with a blood alcohol level of .9, meaning there was more alcohol in his blood than blood.
Junior stumbled on the sidewalk and fell on his rear end, bruising it badly. He sat there on the sidewalk for a while and then made his way to St. Mary’s Charity Hospital Emergency Room. He waited for assistance for a full hour before he decided to show the other people in the emergency waiting room his bruises to see if they thought he needed medical attention.
Once his pants were around his ankles and he was all leaned over pointing at his naked rump, the police were summoned. Also in the emergency waiting room was Mrs. Verdelia Trunket with her 7 year old grandson, Dude “Bless His Heart He Ain’t Real Bright” Trunket, who had stuffed a piece of popcorn up his nose that she couldn’t get out.
Fearful that she and Dude would lose their place in line if Junior got to go next, she pulled a large caliber weapon out of her purse and attempted to fill Junior’s rump with more lead than a sinker factory. Verdelia is of the “License, I don’t need no stinkin’ license” school of thinking so she did not take proper aim before pulling the trigger because she wanted the deed done before the police arrived. She, of course, missed, taking out an armchair, a potted plant that needed killing, two empty oxygen tanks, the recently replaced sliding glass doors to the hospital and Nurse Haley’s favorite trauma cart.
In the ensuing shock of it all, Verdelia’s grandson Dude snorted up the piece of popcorn, two green peas, a pink pencil eraser, and a hair barrette. We told you he is not very bright.
The police arrived and made a determination that Verdelia should not be messed with. Also, due to that fact that all 26 of the other people in the waiting room claimed to be in the one toilet bathroom when the incident occurred, they felt that it would just be best to send her home with instructions that she should not shoot people or leave Dude unattended with foodstuff.
They attempted to arrest Junior, who wailed that he was an injured victim and repeatedly tried to show Officer Becky Crowley his injury. When she said, “Bite me,” Junior took her at her word and resulting in her having to be tested for rabies, several STDs and Hanta Virus. Junior went to jail.
Immediately following this whole situation, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney released a statement saying, “None of this horror would have happened, including the death of an innocent potted plant, if Barack Obama would not have built the sidewalk so far from Junior’s butt.”
“You can’t argue with that,” commented local newspaper editor T. R. “Hashtag” Wilson. “Well, maybe you could but it wouldn’t do any good.”
OMG … that is hilarious! Thanks for the best laugh of the day … now it’s time to go watch Hardball with Chris Matthews!
1It sounds like you’ve had way too much Andy Borowitz in your diet recently. Thank you.
2If anyone was unsure why Juanita Jean’s name is on the masthead, you’ve just been schooled by the Queen, her own self.
This belongs in the Satire Hall of Fame, and not in a back hall, but in the front where it can be marveled at and kids can have their pictures took with it.
3Biggest laugh I have had in a while. There is a book in you. At least one.
4*snerk* *chortle* *schnort*
5Is this an “in joke” I’m not in on? When I Google “Junior Janochek”, I get many posts of yours using that name.
6Wazzup?
The Mister and I want you to know that we appreciate the fact that you are not just back, but back in fine fettle!
7Larry, Junior Janochek, Jr. is Buck Pochek’s best friend. See “Who We Are” at the top of the front page.
8A writing triumph — a true triumph! You made me laugh, and, boy howdy, did I ever need that!
9So happy u are home! I had wondered what Junior and Buck and Miss Verdelia had been up to, but I thought they would be at the ice house, not the hospital! What in he world did Thelma have to say about all this?!
…can’t wait… 😀
10You got a lot of really good wine on your way back didn’t you?
11Laughed until I cried!
12To quote Juanita Jean Herownself, “I bow to genius. And so should you.”
13Thanks Juanita. You made my morning.
14Thank you, dear lady: I forwarded this piece of artistry to a whole lotta people! You are a national treasure.
15Wow!
16Everybody, please read Jim’s latest post at Stonekettle Station.
17Please pass it on.
I can’t wait for some of my Herman and Eddie Munster fans to weigh in on this one. And yes, everyone should read Stonekettle Station, too. Jim get’s a bit wordy at times but they’re almost always worth reading anyway.
18Oops … I snorted my coffee, I laughed so hard!!
19I really think you oughta make a book, you know, those things with pages made out of paper, out of that story. Or maybe a Youtube movie. I betcha somebody or other could even make a whole series of very entertaining fiction from that story.
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