Momma Has Asked Me To Review the Rules
Momma is an 86 year old Baptist (but not THAT kind of Baptist) lady with a bad heart, a pure soul, and lifetime supply of making people mind their manners. It’s going to be hard to get her through this election if we don’t review the rules.
The only permissible four letter words are hell, damn, and butt, giving you leeway to say “damnhellbutt” if the spirit moves you. I can get away with sumbitch about once a month but more than that and Momma starts looking for the Lifebuoy soap. I can say caca del toro only because Momma doesn’t speak Spanish.
You cannot tell Momma to look the other way and then cuss. Her neck doesn’t work like that.
I really do have a real job that needs tending to from time to time. Therefore, I don’t answer every email I get. Momma says that is rude and she wants you to know that I wasn’t raised that way. She’s right. However, I can have a website or answer every email. I pick website, because if I don’t vent a couple times a day, I’ll explode and make a helluva mess.
Also, if you send me a very good link, I might not use it right away. I sit on some of them for a month before I think of an opinion. I’m not ignoring you; I’m pondering. Sometimes I ponder and come up with nada. It’s happened to me since kindergarten, so instead of feeling bad about myself, I chose to believe there are places in my brain that are artistically empty.
The only reason I write this stuff is to read the comments, so comment, dammit. For the most part, I ban Republicans. There’s a good reason this. Our local GOP has only 1 blogger and he’s anonymous, a boring human being, and living proof that there are more horses patooties than horses. So, they want to come here and post anonymously. Screw ‘um.
It was the darn Joe Walsh post, wasn’t it? That creep can make a dead man pull a Lazarus just to punch Old Joe in the nose.
Sorry for my 3 letter word, momma. I will now go light a candle, go in the closet, pray for your forgiveness and donate more $ to the Dems.
1Okay, so I won’t get all weird when you don’t use every link that I send you. That was a perfectly logical explanation. Fortunately for me, my own mom doesn’t read what I write. She couldn’t handle the subject matter.
2My Momma went to one of your Momma’s kind of Baptist churches, too.
3I don’t use dirty words much because I would end up on a sort of guilt trip worrying about what my Momma might accidently stumble upon.
I don’t comment much here because I worry about my spelling and misuse of the English.
I stopped commenting on Jim Wright’s Stonekettle site because he was a sailor like me and spells and talks much smarter.
I like your rules and the fact that you expose the Walshes and Gohmerts for what they are; assholes.
Like speeding, using banned words is contagious, but sometimes we need reminders to put the brakes on.
I understand you can’t respond to all your e-mails and I accept that as being very reasonable. I’d rather read your excellent posts if there’s a choice.
4I’m a Republican, dammit, but not the kind you have a problem with I hope. I’m not like some of the politicians you talk about who have to beat up on women to make up for what must be a San Diego fireworks type personal problem or whatever. I think women should have the right to choose and men shouldn’t have an opinion — or at least not a vote; I know women who have had to make that decision, and I do not envy them. I think Rick Perry is an idiot. I do not, however, believe the country’s problems can be solved by throwing more taxpayer money at the them. And I don’t think corporations are bad, even though some of them do some stupid things. They employ most of the people in this country. Corporations are NOT people, by the way, and I hope the Supreme Court fixes that one soon. The government should not be run like a corporation, it should be run like a government — and vice versa. I think we could do with a lot less government, but that won’t happen as long as people and corporations stop, or at least cut way back, on doing stupid stuff. And we hadn’t ought to get rid of too much government too fast because that would result in a huge number of unemployed folks who are unfit for other work.
I hope you had a good Fourth of July.
5Hey, Lorraine: No need to go into a closet, Dear…just go to the closest PTA meeting, Tea Party Rally, Southern town chamber of commerce meeting……..they PRAY before EVERYTHING!!!
6I like your site Miss Juanita Jean, though I am pretty shy about commenting. I will make a note not to rush over here straight from Wonkette commentland.
7I dunno why you’re feeling guilty, I don’t answer ANY of my emails. 🙂
8I respect Baptist mamas like yours because I had one who had views about profanity that were very similar to your mama’s
9Is patootie Spanish too?
I love to read all the comments too. First blog of the day I read.
10I always liked the way cartoonists use a string of characters from the top row on the keyboard to represent profanity or obscenity. Those *&^%$ could certainly write some @#$%^ dirty stuff. For those of us with clean minds, it was easy to skip over. But those of us with dirty minds found an opportunity to think of several different options for each string of characters. So I hope Momma doesn’t mind if I blurt out a &!%@+ or maybe a _#(#=^$ now and then. I read too many comics as a kid.
11I’m 47 & still don’t cuss in front of my mama, even though I found out last year that she listens to Rush Limbaugh. And I REALLY wanted to cuss about that.
12Yes, getting to election day is going be the “times that try men’s souls!”
Someone got upset because you didn’t respond like they wanted?? If so, too bad, really. After all it is your house and therefore your rules apply. As for me, I send links now and again – usually something I think you might find of use. Sometimes you acknowledge and/or use, sometimes not. No big deal. You probably get dozens every day. As for commenting, I only do it sparingly. Mostly I can not improve on what others have said or I am too upset to comment in a creative and light fashion. But I do need to bone up on all the euphemisms for #(*&% and ~*$%+@ etc!!!
13You know you’re a Democrat if you’re able to cuss in more than one language. And JJ, you are a true fire-breathing Democrat.
Fortunately I have a wife from Colombia, so besides learning lots of naughty words from her I’ve also learned the proper accent and attitude. That’s why I hate it when Univision bleeps all the naughty words on my wife’s nightly telenovelas–how’s a guy going to increase his vocabulary if they keep me from learning the most interesting words! By the way, I was also in the U.S. Navy, so my wife has been able to add to her English from my expanded Navy “vocabulary”. There are some things you never forget, and basic training is one of them. JJ, Tell your Momma “Hey”, and that I didn’t use one naughty word–yet. As Burt Lancaster’s character said in “Elmer Gantry”: “I don’t swear just for the hell of it.”
14Well, I may now have to use a few yiddish words now and then so mama does’t have a fit.
15Juanita Jean, I take it your Momma has never seen Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket”. Its first half at Marine boot camp with R. Lee Ermey is absolutely incredible! And would probably kill your dear sweet Momma if she were to see (and hear) it. Some things are probably best left undiscovered.
16Comment, dammit.
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
That said, anyone who doesn’t understand you have a life beyond this webpage, doesn’t have a life of their own.
I may or may not have emailed you for a reason; I honestly don’t remember… I’ve got too goshdarn many things on my mind to worry if a woman I’ve never met got my email and will respond with a pat on the head.
I simply enjoy reading your blog — Sorry, professional political organization — entries; they almost (almost) make Arizona seem not quite so batsh*t crazy (sorry, Momma, it just slipped out)!
17@Judi I was taught to pray in private so I wouldn’t look like one of those hypocrites Sweet Jesus warned me about. Being around TeaPeople scares the crap outta me as I’m allergic to bigots, bullies & lightning bolts.
18Mr. B, you are the sort of Republican my grandfather was, and I miss him still. Perhaps we ought to declare you an endangered species and offer you shelter in an environment that encourages your increase.
19I always wanted to master the art of cussing like Yosemite Sam. Angry, entertaining as heck, and Momma-safe 🙂
20Note to Mama–Here’s some wisdom from Mark Twain on the subject. Maybe she could ask the Baptists for dispensation at the next meeting. (This from a Methodist (reformed.))
“Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”
21– Mark Twain, a Biography
from the heavily padded walls of my study in north east Texas ,,,
email no problem, to wit,
221. filter everything to Trash
2. read emails by clicking Trash rather than inBox.
3. delete those that offend thee
4. ignore them for 2 or 3 or 30 days and the email host deletes them for you
5, no problema
I don’t have to use “them wurds.” I can peel paint at thirty feet without them — a knack I learned from my father. But sometimes the temptation to quote strikes, and I want to say “For that, I thou thee, thou whoreson pricklouse!”
23Yes, ma’am. I’ll do better, I promise. 🙂
24Well, I have to admit I learned to cuss from my mother and dad.
Unlike your sainted momma, they were Catholic, so they’re also where (or is it ‘from whom?’) I learned to smoke and drink. I’m not particularly proud of these habits, but there they are. However, there is a bright side: I never learned to vote republican from them.
Please try to ignore the e-mail whiners. And I’ll try to comment more, but with less blasphemy.
25Mr. B:
I’m sure we can find plenty of space here for Republicans like you; you seem to embody what “conservative” is supposed to be about. In fact, I call myself a democrat, but if I had the choice to design government policies a lot like you described, I would.
I’m very concerned, though, about the poor and disenfranchised–including those who have lost their livelihood in the rounds of bad decisions made by both corporations and government in recent years. I think of them a lot like I think of my kids, who are essentially very good young adults but who find themselves from time to time in need of a helping hand. I’m lucky; so far I’ve been in a place to help them. But a lot of folks don’t have a mom like me (and mine don’t have a dad like me), and without that hand, they’re liable to sink. Who–if not people like me and you–can give them the boost they need to keep afloat?
Welcome aboard.
26I read a study where they put people’s hands in ice water to see how long they could stand to hold them there, and they could stand it longer if they were allowed to cuss. But they could choose which cuss word they used, so if “poot” or “dagnabbit” worked for them, then it worked for them. Wouldn’t work for me, but I’ll try not to come on here and use words that would work for me.
27Preacher’s kid here (C of C) so naturally had the foulest mouth, that is,
28until I met my drill instructor. Nice to see a pro at work.
JJ, my Methodist Momma smacked me a couple of years ago for cussing in front of her — she’s in her 80’s and I’m nearly 60! Then the poor woman apologized a week later. Good grief!
There will always be people who would rather stand back and criticize than pitch in and help. Pay them no nevermind. I enjoy your writing like a tick loves a dog! :o)
29I’m pretty new at this internet stuff, so I rarely comment. I just love to read what JJ writes, and I love to read what her fans have to say. My momma also was not happy when, in my teen years, she had to tell me my language could make a Marine drill sergeant blush. But I just get so angry sometimes!
Juanita, I’m sorry I don’t always comment, but I am a devoted daily reader. I spent my working life writing for government and corporate America — memos, letters, personnel policies, even helped to craft laws (in Arizona, yet!). I was one of those anonymous people who had to explain why a sentence has to have a noun and a verb and why a comma isn’t the same thing as a period. So now I don’t want to write quite so much. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I know all the naughty words, both in English and in Spanish, but I try not to use them. Thank you for answering the emails that you can, and thank you for the most wonderful beauty salon. Let’s all give Momma and JJ a break here. (Is it still okay if one uses all of the shift-key top keyboard letters to substitute for profanity?) I have to say that Mark Twain was right.
30This place is so much fun! Juanita had to moderate me once and I was so embarrassed that I promised I would never let it happen again. My father (educated by Jesuits, @sugarpie I learnt lotsa good tricks from my Catholic folks too, but Daddy gave up smoking before I was born – best thing I ever did for him!) used to tell me severely that he knew I had much better words that that in my vocabulary!
He used to use his Navy vocab for doing automotive work with his ten year old daughter on assist. Something about brakes really brought out the bad words! You know, do as I say, not as I do…come to think of it, cars bring out my colorful language too, but it’s usually the other DRIVERS 😀 I know I taught my kids more Navy than I should have, sigh…
31from my heavily padded study in north east Texas…
My sainted father uttered a handful of profanity in his 87 years.
I learned cussing first from the older boys in my ‘hood. Then I mechanicked a few years. Then I copped a few years. Mechanics cuss and whine. Cops whine and cuss.
The “height” of cussing is road rage/driving however. I think on some days if I lost the middle finger of even one hand I could no longer drive on Texas’ interstate highways, in particular 35 in and near Austin.
32OOOOH, Juanita!! I get up at 5:00 every morning, (even on weekends, when the Super Deluxe Brand Christians are still sleeping off their sins) scour my local paper for any sign of hope that Rick Scott and the Florida Legislature have disappeared down one of our world-famous sinkholes, (topside for them is just too far from Hell, in my opinion) and then the very next thing I do is read your tragicomic blog. Until I found it, I was convinced Florida was the Anus of America. THANK YOU, TEXAS!!! You make good old batsh*t crazy Floriduh #49!!! I could not possibly be more grateful to you for this gift, JJ. Hugs and coconut patties to you!!
33Juanita Jean, I have very obviously hesitated commenting. Well, you see, the hubs is a preacher, and that makes me a preacher’s wife. Of the Baptist persuasion. All my life. Though I have recovered from the ‘Southern’ part of my Baptist-ness. A long time ago.
The best marriage counseling we got from the preacher who “married” us was about a fellow student of his from the good ole Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary (now a training school) in Foat Wuth. He had a classmate who tried to be the perfect student and perfect student pastor. It damn near killed him. A wise and loving professor advised him to go out in one of those large fields around his student church and yell every cuss word he had ever heard, at the top of his lungs, until he was hoarse. It worked.
I will tell you for sure that preachers and preachers’ wives really, really, REALLY do need to cuss. We couldn’t stand the pressure cooker otherwise. I know your dear Mama doesn’t want to know this but it is true. I learned to cuss when the hubs went to seminary. Before then if I said hell or damn it was a major annual event. Now? I let ‘er fly. I just try to be selective to whom and where.
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