21st Century Codpiece
An odd piece of clothing for men developed in England and France during the late Middle Ages and on into the Renaissance period called the codpiece. The codpiece was designed to cover and protect a man’s…uh…equipment, and is thought to have been developed originally to provide freedom of movement when tight hosiery was the in-thing fashion which covered the legs. During this period of time, men’s jackets, or doublets, were made shorter and shorter making the codpiece an essential equipment-covering garment. During this period of time, virility was considered mandatory to be a successful warrior, so metal codpieces were made that exaggerated the size of…the equipment. Then came Edward IV of England, who set the pace for exaggeration. He made very short doublets de rigueur in merry Old England, enlarging the codpieces to greatly emphasize a man’s…equipment, as well as sparing no expense for the sometimes jewel-encrusted pieces. Even though a man’s…equipment could not be mentioned by name, it seems it was very popular during the times to put the Renaissance version of a neon sign on it. Here are a couple of examples:
Henry VIII was well known for the size and elaborate designs of his codpieces, but the odd garment disappeared by 1600 after the blousy pantaloons made popular by French nobility swept the English fashion world as well.
Since the codpiece became unfashionable 500 years ago, why in the world am I talking about it now? Well, I’m talking about it because in very recent times it has re-emerged, this time in 21st century America, and here it is:
The AR-15, and its variants, have become the codpiece of the 21st century, normally carried by men/boys attempting to exaggerate their masculinity by carrying their firearm in front of their…equipment, or in place of it. Putting aside the danger it poses to everyone near them, the black steel codpieces of today usually elicit giggles or gasps from normal people, probably not unlike the reactions of people to the more traditional codpieces made popular by hosiery-wearing nobility way back in the day, trying to bolster their own manhood.
Today’s codpieces look even more silly than those in the 16th century, but they are a hell of a lot more dangerous. One can only hope that this codpiece ends up in the dustbin of history, much like its predecessor.
People have said…. There is an inverse relationship between a man’s equipment and his gun.
1Hey, you can’t blame these guys.
Most of them can’t afford the phallic symbolism of a red sports car.
And there’s no other way that they’ll ever have something long and hard between their legs.
Sorry, Momma – I’ll go stand in the corner now.
2Gee, thanks for that trip down When Brain Bleach Isn’t Enough Lane, El Jefe. Scarred by images of Dubya in that flight suit, the Outlaw Jersey Whale in a baseball costume, and Dotard45 climbing out of a sand trap with his gluttonous gluts on display.
3I’ve been calling such guns and vehicles like Hummers and fancy sports cars Compensators for some time. As in, “Oh, I see you drive a Compensator.”
Recently I’ve added long red ties to the list of Compensators. The ties are really failures however, being limp and flaccid.
4TWS-Teenie Weenie Syndrome.
5I know quite a few people that own all sorts of guns. Not a one of them feels the need to parade around in public with them.
As to the “long red ties”, down here we call them “pp” which is short for p…cker pointer. Can I say that when I don’t spell it out? If’n ya need a pointer, you obviously don’t have a lot of p…cker. I’m just sayin’.
6Donnie lacks anything to be caught in his zipper. But we can hope he forgets to remove his big red tie from the toilet water before flushing thereby choking himself.
7The bigger the gun, the smaller both the “piece” and the brain?
8Here’s a ammosexual with peroxide poisoning of the brain and her attendant codpiece.
https://www.elitedaily.com/p/tweets-about-tomi-lahrens-gun-pants-instagram-post-are-roasting-her-so-hard-8598986
I think it is safe for work. The picture, that is.
9Conservative yakker Tomi Lahren has the female version, shown here: https://www.chron.com/entertainment/article/Tomi-Lahren-gun-front-yoga-pants-Twitter-meme-12782427.php
10Sorry gang but this ground is trod before and it doesn’t work.
The gun nuts are fully aware of the penis-extender analogy and they have embraced it fully and are damn proud of it.
Check out this product if you don’t believe me: https://www.amazon.com/Gunsticles-Tactical-Testicles-Rail-Mounted/dp/B06Y4587V9
I bet it sells ok. Not great but ok.
I appreciate the effort but we won’t win much if anything this way.
11The only thing I’m trying to accomplish is mocking them. The gun nuts I talk to are enraged by all the “equipment” jokes. That’s why I do it.
12It’s kinda like being a Bad Guy; if you’ve got to tell someone you’re a Bad Guy, you’re not.
The analogy goes for Personal Appendages, as well.
13El Jefe, just as a matter of style, writing “uh… equipment” or “the… equipment” or “their… equipment” implies an editorial leer and suggests that you’re nudging the reader in the ribs. Referring to a man’s genitals as “equipment” is enough. Thanks.
14Expat, I find your obsession with my writing style interesting. Please read my bio in the About section. I don’t care what you think.
15El Jefe, I found your writing…uh…style hilarious! I laughed like crazy all the way through it.
16El jefe, the main difference between a codpiece and today’s version is that the original codpiece couldn’t shoot its cod.
17I just feel sad for all those (ammosexual) people that are so terrified of the world.
18I mean, how did all those people that lived before AR-15s do it?
The old ones and the new ones both are designed to yell “Mine’s bigger than yours” when it’s probably not. And nobody cares anyway.
19Thanks one and all for mocking those, ammosexuals and many others, who need it.
20Carrying a firearm is the only way most of those people feel they have any personal power. “I can’t build anything, but I can destroy.”
21What about the lay-dees? Tomi Lauren is modeling the latest codpiece for women in yoga pants. Google it!
22Who remembers This is Spinal Tap?
23If somebody can figure out a way to inflict some of Harry Shearer’s mortification on a few of these jackwagons with delusions of adequacy, they’ll deserve an all expense paid vacation. To somewhere nice.
Tis a well known fact that micro-d$%#ed white boys mistook Crisco for lard when polishing their swords and have blamed Blacks ever since. It’s true I tell you.
24Okay, I’m gonna go sideways on this, and risk the ire of some of you.
I want to see the original codpiece come back in style for men of this century to wear not just for fun, but as a normal piece of wardrobe. A man wearing a well designed codpiece, large, with appropriate embellishment, could be a stylistic, male equivalent of and response to so much of the female clothing we have to endure these days. Such a piece would be the perfect, and appropriate, response to women who show up at court, or in the Executive offices, or at an art opening, etc., etc., wearing dresses or gowns with a lot of cleavage showing, or which expose all or most of their upper torsos, with the exception of the small part thereof known as “nipples”.
Please, respond with the argument that women would be somehow “threatened” by the view of a covered (and probably enhanced) penis.
Have fun……
25Geez, it used to be so simple just saying I can make mine twice as long as yers by folding it in half. Now someone wants actual proof?
May i be the first to withdraw from the field of battle in shame?
26I remember these bozos walking the street corners and in stores in Arlington. I usually honked and gave a thumbs down. I would have given a third finger salute, but the fools were armed and I could tell that most weren’t very stable. How you ask? They were standing on a street corner in Arlington with weapons in AUGUST. No one in their right mind protests in August in Texas. Sheesh.
27George, it would be a lot safer than the current incarnation so, yeah, I’m in favor if we can ditch the long guns.
28I can’t help myself. Followed the Amazon link above for “gunsticles” and noted yet another product on the same page https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073KXC347/ref=sspa_dk_detail_0?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B073KXC347&pd_rd_wg=jry7m&pd_rd_r=E576E8R1PX7DYPXJTYDH&pd_rd_w=JKX9y that would sure be fun to have someplace, oh I don’t know, like the congressional parking lots in DeeCee
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