I started hearing mentions of uber right-wing conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer being in the company of Donald Von Shitzenpantz maybe two weeks ago. At that time, the rumor was that Loomer was helping to prep TFG for the Great Debate along with Tulsi Gabbert and Matt Gaetz. Now, it seems that was wrong: Loomer had nothing to do with the debate prep. It was all Gabbert and Gaetz.

Could have fooled me.

But as time went on, Loomer and The Former have been seen together on several occasions, prompting former RNC Chair Michael Steel to say, “Melania, check your man!” all the while wondering why “…we are so susceptible to this kind of BS. ”

Even Bill Maher has chimed in saying on his weekly HBO show “She’s 31, looks like his type… Who’s Trump f—ing? Because I said, it’s not nobody. He’s been a dog for too long. And it’s not Melania. I think we may have our answer this week.”

Rather than let this go on and on, Loomer sprinted to the finish by disavowing any and all hanky panky between her and The Orange One on “X”: “I should sue Bill Maher for Defamation. This is beyond the pale and it’s a complete and blatant lie.”

TFG’s h̶a̶n̶d̶l̶e̶r̶s̶  campaign staff have been working overtime to deny what normal and mean-spirited people can all agree to: they’re a good match. His staff says that she’s not MAGA material, while the whole world knows that is not true at all: they are MFEO (Boomers, that means Made For Each Other). Indeed, it’s the staff that are not MAGA enough if that’s what they’re all saying.

I don’t know, and I don’t care. His base doesn’t care about anything TFG says or does, so why should I?

One reason: it’s funny. No, it’s hilarious. It may be pure fabrication, but that won’t keep me from posting an analogy problem like you used to find on the SATs:

TRUMP : LOOMER as
a. TOAD : ORNITHOLOGY
b. TURTLE : MICROBIOLOGY
c. VANCE : COUCH
d. GYMNOSPERMS : BOTANY

If you drive south on Palos Verdes Drive in southern California, you get some spectacular views as the rocky PV Peninsula juts out into the Pacific Ocean. On the right, you pass the Point Vicente Lighthouse and the Terranea Resort, a luxury vacation spot for the well-heeled elite. It sits on the site of the former Marineland of the Pacific, a fun destination for families to bring their kids to see whales and dolphins perform in giant seawater tanks. It was sold to the company that owns Sea World in San Diego (who absconded with Corky the Orca, a killer whale that was renamed Shamu).

As you proceed further south, you pass the Trump National Los Angeles Golf Club in Rancho Palos Verdes. It was there, yesterday, that TFG had a news conference of sorts, with Santa Catalina Island in the background.

And just a little further south, still in Rancho Palos Verdes, over 100 homes are slowly making their way down multiple slumps that will inevitably conveyor belt them down to the crashing waves below.

The plight of these homes was addressed by the former president, who commiserated with RPV’s mayor: “I want to express my support for all of the families affected by the landslides in Rancho Palos Verdes. This area is very solid, but you go a couple of miles down, you’ll see something that’s pretty amazing. The mountain is moving. And it could be stopped but they need some help from the government. So I hope they get the help.”

Tragically, the former president was lying again. There is no fix for this. The Wayfarers Chapel, a local landmark also known as The Glass Church, across PV Drive and just west of the golf course, has given up and closed its doors forever. The RPV homes TFG mentioned are just east of the golf club.

The golf club sits downhill between them. But that’s a story for another decade.

That wasn’t all that TFG had preying on his mind in regard to “government help.” Recent fires in the SoCal area were also uppermost in His Orangeness’s thoughts.

“And Gavin Newscum [sic] is gonna sign those papers, and if he doesn’t sign those papers, we won’t give him money to put [out] all his fires.”

He was speaking, naturally, of the California governor’s stance on protecting Sacramento Delta smelt, an endangered fish species that would be wiped out along with the fragile delta ecosystem if more fresh water from the delta is diverted for agriculture.

TFG hates that, and California will only get federal wildfire aid from a new TFG administration if Newsom lets the fish die.

It’s a trick he tried to use on Volodymyr Zelenskyy in 2019 when he wanted the Ukraine president to deal the dirt on Joe Biden and his son in exchange for military aid.

That didn’t go very well last time, but you know, if at first you don’t succeed, lie, lie again.

For those who DVR’ed the Great Debate last night, but can’t bring themselves to watch it again (like me), do I have some good news for you: ABC just provided a transcript of the entire 90-minute exchange between, TFG, Comma-La and the ABC moderators.

I saw the whole thing at a watch party at The Salon from start to finish, but some key exchanges got by me. Like when Alfredo at the Dairy Queen stood up in front of everyone wildly gesticulating about what TFG had just said.

“Put out? Did he just say that Kamala put out?”

Everyone looked at him like he’d just eaten a cat.

But now we know that what Alfredo says he heard was what was actually said:

“FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I don’t know. I don’t know. All I can say is I read where she was not Black, that she put out. And, I’ll say that. And then I read that she was black. And that’s okay. Either one was okay with me. That’s up to her. That’s up to her.”

Oh. My. God.

What did TFG mean by that? Because anyone who was alive before 1980 knows what it means for a female to “put out.”

If a woman “puts out” in geezer-speak, it means she is of loose morals.

It means she is “easy”. Oh, sorry, by “easy” I mean, she requires little persuasion to engage in sex.

That’s what he said. And that’s what Alfredo heard – and no one else. Until now.

People tend to dismiss what TFG says off the cuff, and when caught, Donald often dredges up the tired old school playground retort: “I was being sarcastic.” But what else could he have meant?

On another but related subject, you can commemorate your survival of 90 minutes of lies, obfuscation, and incipient dementia by going here to get your pair of Trump Debating Socks.

They’re only $18 a pop. For only $15.99 more you can buy a tiny comb to brush his golden locks with. It’s found nowhere on the website, but it’s like the In-N-Out Secret Menu – if you know, you know.

But there is no truth to the rumor that if you buy all of TFG’s Digital Trading Cards at the scandalously low price of $99 he may send you a square inch cut out of one of these socks that he was secretly wearing on his own bare feet at the debate last night.

He may not be much of a debater, but man, that guy could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves in the middle of August.

About eleven years we moved into our current home. The neighborhood borders on a field that is currently unused. They did build a new neighborhood on one side and so the wild life that lived there had to relocate. We occasionally see raccoons, possums, pigs, coyotes, and even the occasional alligator.

This presented problems for our cats at the time. They were indoor/outdoor cats that had been pretty safe at our previous home. This changed in the new neighborhood. Three of our cats went missing within the span of about a year. Two of them were sickly. One of them we were quite certain just ran away to die on her own. The other was suffering from a likely bladder infection, so we thought the same had happened to him. However, the third was a perfectly healthy cat that had grown close to our daughter. We thought it was highly unlikely that he would have run away. We suspected foul play.

Maybe a I should say fowl play. Around that time we noticed than an owl started to perch on our roof. We called him “Owlie”. In a house with as many as four cats he just seemed like another family pet. Yet, we couldn’t get past the stories. Supposedly, owls have been known to swoop down and take smaller cats and dogs. We immediately suspected Owlie.

Needless to say we don’t allow our cats outside anymore. It’s just too dangerous for them. We do have a 100 pound Rottweiler/lab mix that should be able to fend off Owlie and any of his friends. Those include coyotes that bay at night and occasional pigs that look for food in the yard. He is naturally proprietary about our home and has adopted the cats as members of the family.

Without any warning Owlie left us. We had naturally assumed that the motives were sinister. We no longer let our cats out and the dog is too big to go after. So, we assumed he went to a new house that had cats roaming around. Maybe he flew south for the winter, but I don’t know if Owlie does that sort of thing.

Our thinking evolved as we saw the other wildlife. Maybe an alligator was quick enough to take care of Owlie. Maybe one of the coyotes took him out in a titanic battle between fowl and varmint. Maybe Owlie flew too close to the feral pigs . I suppose the state of nature provides for endless possibilities. Either way we had be casting aspersions on Owlie and all of his animal friends to everyone we knew. We warned them about their pets and the impending danger that these “undocumented” animals obviously brought to our neighborhood. They were bringing death, disease, and property damage with them. Sure, I suppose some of them were nice animals, but most came from deranged insane asylums for wayward beasts.

As it turns out, Owlie and his furry friends were likely victims of human migrants in search for food. I have to admit that I’ve never seen migrants perusing the local greenbelt for food sources, but maybe they do it at night. Maybe it was one of the many workers that came through the neighborhood to mow the common areas or trim the trees. Maybe it is damn dirty migrants posing as hard working contractors and repairmen. We are onto their dirty little secret. They are hunting down Owlie and his friends.

We’re sorry Owlie. We hardly knew you and we blamed all of this nasty death and destruction on you. You were likely a victim yourself of nasty migrants in search of food. The liberal media doesn’t want you to hear about this. They want you to believe Fluffy ran away or got lost. They want you to believe that Fluffy may have encountered a wild “undocumented” animal. It is pure scapegoating. They are all victims of the cycle of migrant/pet violence. Do better mainstream media. We expect more from you and wherever you are Owlie, we’re sorry.

So I lost the Bingo game. But it was not my fault. For some reason, my dog started barking at TFG, and I missed a square. (She has only barked at the TV once before when she saw Toto pulling the Wizard of Oz’s curtain aside).

There is little more to say about this lop-sided debate that hasn’t already been said by Taylor Swift.

So I won’t because right down the street, right now, my Haitian neighbors are putting on an awesome barbecue celebration ( I’m on the Left Coast, so the sun sets here almost last). The main entree, of course, is Felis domesticus.

They cook a mean Calico.