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Goodness sake.  If you go to Trump’s pro-virus Junetenth rally in Tulsa, you have to get a reservation.

To get a reservation, you have to sign this:

Okay, if the virus is under control or gone away, why do people have to sign away their legal rights to go to the Trump rally?

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

This is an honest-to-gosh email I got today.

Trump is complaining about ugly protesters. As America’s -and the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, it’s your obvious responsibility to provide beauty tips for demonstrators.

Peter

I take my beauty mission very seriously, Peter, and while I generally don’t feel any responsibility for Trump’s vision of beauty (I mean, have you seen his Christmas decorations?) (And those ties, ferpetesake), I do feel a duty to insure that America’s streets are filled with wowza! people.

I have fretted over this all morning. Coming up with something that wears well on all races, genders, body shapes, and ages is not an easy task. If it were, there would be no need for highly trained and fantastically expensive people like me.

But I think I have roughed-out a plan. It’s still in the toddler stage, but I think it just might work.

Demonstrate naked.

Now, now, don’t get carried away before I explain the benefits.  The human body is beautiful.  It’s a work of art. I’ve been to museums; I know these things.

Wear nothing but your name and your lawyer’s phone number written on your arm.  And a mask.

Think of the benefits.  First we can get America used to seeing bodies without immediately thinking nasty. Second, it’s hot out there and the cops are wearing seventeen layers of clothes. Who’s gonna pass out first?

Third, it’s easy to see you don’t have a weapon so the use of unnecessary force will look even worse for the cameras. Here are these guys looking like the offspring of Darth Vader and The Terminator. And here you are looking innocent as the day you were born.

But the main reason:  You cannot out-camo or out-ammo them.

And the last reason:  Honor thou hippie grandparents.

Guys, I’m usually pretty good at understanding, and when I look at things I can semi-acknowledge what I am seeing.

But Antifa stumps me.  Nobody can seem to explain to me what the fool tarnation it is and why it does terrible things in secret. I don’t get this secret thing. How does that happen?  There are supposedly thousands of Antifas all over the country who operate in complete silence.  I know for a fact that’s not possible.

Take Thelma, for example.  Thelma, who is known as The Texas Chainsaw Manicurist, knows every damn secret in this town and can keep a secret like it was her grandma’s heart.  But if you offered Thelma a fully equipped pink Winnebago with the Dolly Parton interior package and $10,000 cash money, she’d tell you everything she knows.

People can’t keep secrets.  And if you don’t believe that, look at Donald Trump.  Everybody he’s hired at the White House eventually rats him out.

There’s a thing in Texas that there’s no such thing as a live armadillo. Nobody has ever seen one – all you see are dead ones in the middle of the damn road.  Somebody out in West Texas goes all over the state leaving dead armadillos in the road.  Those suckers are born dead.  It’s a big conspiracy and I’m surprised if you haven’t heard it.

Which brings us to Antifa.

I figure I’m anti-fascist as anybody.  I’m also anti-Trump, which is pretty much the same thing.  So, I have decided that the beauty salon can be the Antifa World Headquarters.  We’ll get a banner and everything. Let’s see who shows up.

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Okay, I’ve decided to sue CNN for creating Coronavirus.  If they hadn’t talked about it, nobody would have died.  And if they don’t stop talking about it, I’m gonna stomp my foot and call my lawyer.

Yeah, Trump wants to rename the San Andres Fault the CNN Fault.

US District Judge Emmet Sullivan ordered an investigation into the dismissal of charges against Michael Flynn by the Justice department.

The results are back and it looks like an explosion of righteous indignation under a crate of total crap.

The court-appointed lawyer John Gleeson also argued that Flynn should be sentenced for lying, including for perjuring himself in court for admitting his crimes then disavowing them.

Gleeson also argued that the Justice Department decision to dismiss all charges against Flynn undermined “the public’s trust in the rule of law.”

Sullivan giving a sentence to Flynn — which could range from no prison time to a maximum of five years in prison–would be a way to restore order to the justice system, Gleeson wrote.

Barr needs to go to prison, too, but that’s just me talking.

Thanks to Epp for the heads up.