Okay, who’s good at math? When the final results are in, help me pick a winner or winners.

Hey, Trump, I was told there would be winning involved.  So much winning.

So now that we know Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke speaks in some sort of code language that only pelicans and sheep herders understand, let’s mosey on over to Scott Pruitt at the EPA.

Pruitt just made headlines again.

Yeah, he needs his own private phone booth in his office because … he’s Superman and needs a cool place to change clothes?  The other booths like this one bought by the government are at Veteran’s Affairs and are being used exclusively for hearing tests.

Hey, couldn’t he have used Dick Cheney’s man-sized safe?  Surely that’s laying around somewhere.

He also takes people’s phones away before they enter his office and …

Pruitt, who has become a polarizing and high-profile figure as he seeks to roll back Obama-era policies and shrink the EPA’s footprint, has essentially tripled the personal security detail that served past administrators. The detail now includes about 18 people to cover round-the-clock needs and his frequent travel schedule. Such 24/7 coverage has prompted officials to rotate in special agents from around the country who otherwise would be investigating environmental crimes.

… he needs his own army to protect him.

Good Lord, dude, are you plotting to release chemical weapons in Democratic strongholds?

And no, no one else in the history of the United States government has ever made demands like these, but then again, there probably weren’t as many nuts at any given time.

Thanks to AlaninAustin for the heads up.

Y’all, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke is head clown at a goat rodeo.

Listen to this stuff.

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke said Monday that nearly one-third of employees at his department are not loyal to him and President Donald Trump, adding that he is working to change the department’s regulatory culture to be more business friendly.

Uh, goofy me.  I thought they were supposed to be loyal to the United States of Damn America.  You know, unlike Zinke and Trump.

And then you’d think they were a damn football team.

Zinke, a former Navy SEAL, said he knew when he took over the 70,000-employee department in March that, “I got 30 percent of the crew that’s not loyal to the flag.”

Loyal to the flag? Well hell’s bells, I certainly want people loyal to a piece of cloth running my government.  I dunno, I think that if you put a flag on Trump’s ample rump, they might salute that.

Zinke’s comments echo complaints by some White House allies that a permanent, “deep state” in Washington has sabotaged Trump’s efforts to remake the government.

Well, thank God, because Zinke wants to make “huge” changes to the Interior Department that include the endangered species act, drilling permits, and the national park system.  In short, he wants a government run by the petrochemical industry.

And then ….

Zinke also offered a quirky defense of hydraulic fracturing, a drilling technique also known as fracking that has led to a years-long energy boom in the U.S., with sharply increased production of oil and natural gas.

“Fracking is proof that God’s got a good sense of humor and he loves us,” Zinke said without explanation.

Because there ain’t no explaining crap like that.

Do you want to know why we can’t get help to Puerto Rico?  Let Trump tell you why.

“It’s very, very tough because it’s an island,” the president said, asserting that his government received “A+” marks for responding to storms in Texas and Florida. “The difference is this is an island sitting in the middle of an ocean — and it’s a big ocean, a really, really big ocean.”

Oh hell, I didn’t realize that the Atlantic Ocean was bigger than say, your average Olympic size swimming pool or something.  It’s not just big or even really big.  It is, my friends, really really big.  Not as big as the sun, of course, which is really, really, really big.

You know, we could solve his thinking by making Mar-a-Lago an island.  Has anybody got a backhoe I can borrow?

And then the damfool says of Puerto Ricans that he’s from New York and knows many Puerto Ricans.  He adds, “They are hardy people.”  Somebody, please, take away his eugenics book.

REVIST:

Customer Brian found a brilliant explanation of Trump’s Puerto Rico hate.  It’s all about Trump’s money.

After losing his Tennessee bid for the Congress, Davy Crockett angrily shouted, “You may all to go to hell.  I’m going to Texas.”

And today we have Paul Chabot, who after losing a California congressional bid by 11 percentage points (it was his second such loss), packed it all in and moved to McKinney, Texas, which is in Collin County, north of Dallas.

Chabot thinks he’s in the holy land, and he wants to make money off of it. The LA Times went to talk to him.

“It’s like living a dream,” he said as he steered his golf cart down his cul-de-sac on a muggy afternoon recently, past large brick homes decorated with American flags and meticulously trimmed lawns. “You don’t see graffiti. You don’t see gang members, or police helicopters circling the neighborhood.”

So, he set up a company called Conservative Move and “Helping families move Right” is the slogan. Chabot is trying to get conservative Californians to move to Texas to … I dunno, have a better white life?  Oops, I mean right life.  (I gotta remember to call the dogs with my whistle.)

I just don’t know if Chabot picked the right place.  Collin County went red the exact same time that Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964.  Within one election, they went from voting 70% Democratic to 36% Democratic.

However, they are losing their edge.

In fact, Democrats are targeting Collin County next year because it looks like we can flip a couple of state house seats there.

Poor Paul Chabot. Democracy and Democrats spread like wildfire and Dallas County, which is decidedly blue, is right underneath him, so bless his heart, he is literally on the hot seat.  Ironically enough, the Collin County Democratic Chairman said the latest Democratic gains are due to the “Californiazation of Texas.”  Thanks, Chabot!

So, Chabot took it one step further.  He recently open a new SUPER-PAC called Keep Texas Red.

Oh Lord, he’s gonna be sending us more Californians.  After their first summer here, they will all go to Chabot’s air conditioned house and whine.

And if Chabot wants to follow in the path of Davy Crockett, he needs to remember how Crockett ended up.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Tweeto Jesus and his squawking heads made Hillary’s use of a private email server a central issue in last year’s election.  Every single rally included chants of, “Lock her up!” for her email “scandal”.  Oh, how times have changed.  At least six current and former WH staffers have been caught using private email accounts for official business, and, in fact, Jared Kushner and Ivanka have actually set up their own server, dubbed Javanka, exactly like Hillary and Bill did, with the exception that the Clinton server was actually set up by the Secret Service.

Conservative media and Trump himself immediately reacted to the news of the innappropriate use of these accounts with the following response:

Hypocrisy! Table for one!