Yeah, Texas, of course damn Texas.

There’s a guy in Texas by the name of Chris Sevier.  Severe is suing Harris County and the State of Texas because they won’t let him marry his Mac computer.

He’s perfectly serious.  He’s trying to overturn Obergefell, the ruling that allowed same gender marriage in Texas.  And he’s using his love for his Mac to do it.  I guess every damn goat in Brenham turned him down.

He is trying to prove that, essentially, marriage between a same-sex couple can be equated to marriage between a man and a machine. He is trying to prove that, under Obergefell v. Hodges, the landmark U.S. Supreme Court case that legalized same-sex marriage, people are now allowed to do morally disgusting things like marry whomever they are attracted to, whether that be inanimate objects or the same gender.

So, he’s giving the courts an ultimatum – If Rick can marry Bob, surely I can marry Connie the Computer.

And if you wonder why he picked a laptop instead of …. oh, I dunno, a tractor? … there might be some clues in this lawsuit that he filed against Apple in 2013.  In the lawsuit, he says he “loves Apple,” but wants stop Apple from selling computers that show pornography.

Damn Apple, forcing you to look at porn.

Thanks to John for the heads up.

Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller wakes up every morning and wonders, “What can I do today to piss off the entire Texas hairdressing community?”

His choice today was this:

At a cost of $91,000, Ole Sid has decided to increase the font size of his name on every damn gas pump in Texas.  Every damn one of them.  Hell, that’s better advertising than every neon Lone Star Beer sign in every honky tonk in Lampasas.

And even though Ole Sid asked for a $50 million dollar budget increase for his office,  which was promptly denied by the legislature, he wants the taxpayers to know that you cannot blame him for taxes.  He wants people to know that he doesn’t set taxes, the Congress and the State Legislature do because the people are stoopid.

You know what would have been better on the gas pump sign?  This thing nobody bothered to tell me until about 6 months ago:

Thanks to Big Mike for the heads up.

Ted Cruz has discovered a new retirement plan.

You know there’s a law that candidates cannot spend campaign donations to benefit themselves. There’s about 174 ways around that law that I can come up with before sundown.

But, in all honesty, this is the first time I’ve seen this one.

Here’s how it works.

1. Write a book or get someone to ghost write one for you.
2. Get a donor to donate copies of your book through your SuperPAC
3. You get to keep the royalties, which you couldn’t do if they were bought with your campaign account.

And that’s exactly what happened here.  $15,000 to buy Cruz’s book as gifts.  Since Cruz’s book is selling for $17.62 on Amazon, that’s about 850 books.

And the guy who bought them?  Dr. Ben Carson’s former lawyer and campaign manager, Terry Giles.  Giles was also Ken Lay’s lawyer during Enron.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

When people think your state attorney general’s first name is Beleaguered, you’re probably in Texas.

Ken Paxton, our Oh-I-Love-Jesus beleaguered attorney general, is under indictment for stock fraud, has the SEC chasing him with a lasso, and has now been caught good-ole-boying one of his former employees.

The state is paying thousands of dollars in salaries and benefits to at least two former high-level staffers in Attorney General Ken Paxton’s office who haven’t worked there for over a month.

Charles Roy resigned as first assistant attorney general March 9 but remains on the state’s payroll. He received his full month’s salary of $16,220.62 on April 1, according to the state comptroller, and remains on the payroll as an employee of the state even while working a new job for a national political committee.

They are now trying to convince everybody that Roy didn’t resign, he is just on “emergency leave.” If that is true, I need me some of that emergency leave because ….

“Roy resigned on March 9th. He is currently on emergency leave through June 10th,” spokeswoman Cynthia Meyer said late Thursday.

If Roy’s arrangement continues until then, he will make $48,660 for the three months of emergency leave.

The agency at first offered no further explanation of the reason for the leave. When asked to clarify the emergency, Meyer said: “I’m not sure the answer.”

Roy went to work at another job on the day he resigned and a replacement was hired the next day. But he gets emergency leave?

His new job? “Roy took a job as executive director of a super PAC supporting Sen. Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign.”

But, Roy has company.

Former communications director Allison Castle left the agency March 10, according to media reports. But, like Roy, she remains on the payroll. She was paid her full monthly salary of $12,825 on April 1.

To fill her job, Paxton hired the minister of his mega-church. Yeah, it’s a Baptist church. I suspect he knows that Paxton is going to hell.

Thanks to Sheree for the heads up.

It’s hot in Texas so water gun fights are a popular activity.  Well, up until now …

A water gun fight was winding down when one of the participants caught himself a case of bald-butt ignorant.

“The man went over there to his car to get his dry clothes and he must have had the gun so he started playing with it and tried to do this and I thought he probably had it on safety and he accidentally shot the girl in her collar bone area,” neighbor Micah Stewart explained.

The 15 year old girl was shot through the collarbone. She’ll recover. She’ll be mad enough to eat nails, but she’ll recover.

Here’s the icing on the cake.

Although deputy constables questioned the shooter, it was not immediately clear if he would be charged.

Of course not.  Dumb is not only legal in Texas, it’s encouraged.

Thanks to Paul for the heads up.

See the little off thing with the 7 on it?

Yeah, that’s my house.

There’s more on the way.  Houston has shut down — freeways closed, no bus, no school, no light rail.  I’m taking off an hour or two to check the flashlights and the pool floats.