Those of you who have been around here for a while know that the only thing I like better than politics is baseball.

Women love baseball.  You’ve got to be pretty smart to understand baseball and there’s not much gratuitous violence in baseball.

I am also an Astros fan.  I woke up this morning and put on my Astros shirt because today is opening day and we’re playing the Yankees.

Do you want to know why the BASEBALL game was postponed?  Snow.  Yep, the Boys of Summer got snowed out.

In Houston today at game time it’s 76 degrees, sunny, with 41% humidity.  Because we are an enlightened people, we have a retractable roof to keep out the damn snow.

Get with the program, fellas.

Peg Littleton is running for United States senator from Colorado.

She’s a real pretty little thing but I think she’s overdosed on Jesus.

Peg does not believe that Fracking causes earthquakes. You wanna know why?

There have been earthquakes long before we ever did fracking. Let’s be honest. You know God is kind of in control of those. And not by us drilling down in the ground and doing the fracking.

And only God can cause forest fires. No, wait.

So you have to wonder, why does God cause earthquakes? He is punishing bad people who live in earthquake zones? Does he do it for fun? If God’s in charge, why do we even have earthquakes? Is God just mean? Damn, Peg, I’m getting a headache.

Ya gotta admire Peg’s grasp of geology and the scientific principle.  It’s a solid 4 on the Sarah Palin Scale.

Barry C. Beard is running for Richmond City Council.  He is 67 years old, claims to be SVP of Moody Bank, and votes in very Republican primary.  If you have money, don’t give it to Barry. I’m fixing to tell you why.

Here is a picture of Barry.  This was the best picture he had of himself to put on his mailer asking me to vote for him. He looks like a turtle that just woke up from a nap, saying, “Hey, hey, is that some lettuce you got there?”

Thelma says that to her he looks like a guy at the David Copperfield show in Vegas asking, “How’s that little guy do that?  Is he a wizard or something?”

In Texas, we passed a law in the last legislative session, thanks Glen Maxey!, that if you register to vote by mail because you’re 65 or older, the registration is good for a full year and you automatically get a mail ballot for every election that year. I did that.

I got a ballot to vote for the new Richmond City Councilman two weeks ago.  It’s been marked and mailed back in, thanks to the new Texas law.  Thank you Sweet Jesus, I did not vote for Barry.

Here’s why I am thanking Sweet Jesus.

Barry sent me some mail.  It got here at 5:15 pm on Saturday, April 2nd. It’s a handy request for a ballot by mail for the Richmond City Council election. No, wait. Barry sent me two mailers, exactly alike. This does not make me feel like Barry likes me better than he likes everybody else. Instead, it makes me feel that Barry thinks money grow on trees. These mailers ain’t free.

Then there’s this.  I got this on Saturday.  It would have to be filled out and in the election administrator’s office by April 7th.  That’s this Thursday.  So if I mail it back tomorrow, I gotta just pray they get it by Thursday.  Nothing like a guy who cuts deadlines that close running your city. Plus, if he had mailed them earlier, he could have used a bulk rate and saved a ton of money.

Here’s what I’m wondering.  If Barry doesn’t respect his campaign account enough to not send me two mail ballot requests at the last minute when public records reveal that I already have mail ballots sent to my house, how can I expect him to respect my money when he’s on city council?

I can’t.

He’s either too damn dumb or too damn extravagant to handle my tax money.

I think I want to elect a good planner who squeezes every penny of tax money in hopes it will go twice as far for half the money.  That right there is three strikes and Barry’s out.

Susan Deschambault seems like a perfectly nice lady.  She is a Maine Democrat who won a special election for the Senate District 32 seat.

Deschambault, along with her family, friends, and supporters, showed up at the Maine state house last Friday to be sworn in by Governor Paul LePage.

There was a small glitch in the ceremony.  LePage refused to attend.  Why, you might ask.  Because he’s Paul Damn LePage.  LePage is a mule’s hiney of a man.

He did nothing to soil his image of being a crazybutt sumbitch.

Gov. Paul LePage abruptly canceled a swearing-in ceremony Friday morning for a newly elected senator in response to Democratic lawmakers’ votes against one of his nominees.

LePage’s spokeswoman Adrienne Bennett said the governor canceled the ceremony in response to Democrats voting against Steven Webster’s nomination to the Maine Unemployment Insurance Commission.

Okay, so if you have a bag of apples and a bag of oranges …

Democrats are under no Constitutional obligation to approve the Governor’s appointment to boards and commissions. However, the swearing-in of duly elected members of the state senate is the Governor’s duty.

So the good people of Senate District 32 in Maine have taxation without representation because Paul LePage is a damn ninny. By the way, Deschambault won by 17 percentage points.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Okay, we have a little fun game you can play along.

Donald Trump just said …

“If I win, all of the bad things happening in the U.S. will be rapidly reversed!”

Okay.  All?  Did you mean all in the sense of everything?

Racism

Acne

When your ice cream cone drips all over your hand

Comcast

Injustice

NFL Stars battering their wives

That thing when you run out of bobbin while sewing and you don’t know so you just keep on sewing but you’re not really sewing because you ran out of damn bobbin

Cancer

Tiger Wood’s golf swing

Ants at picnics

Baptists

Armed robbery

Chip-proof nail polish that always chips

Please feel free to add to the list.

Y’all Mississippi.

A woman formerly involved with the mayor of Hernando allegedly sent a naked picture of the mayor to city aldermen.

Friday morning, Mayor Chip Johnson said a woman he was involved with sent a naked selfie of him to an unknown number of aldermen earlier this week.

You know how we tell kids not to take naked picture of themselves?  Kids, we tell kids that.  We suspect that grown ups would know better.

When asked if he was still involved with the woman, Johnson said “absolutely not.”

Well, that’s a shocker.

And then, apparently totally tone deaf, the mayor says …

“The people have asked me to do this job and I’m sitting at my desk right now.”

… with my pants off.

Way to go, Mississippi.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.