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Honey, you could stick my finger in the outlet that lights up Las Vegas and I would not be more shocked than I am now.

The devil is taking over our country and he’s using Fantasy Football to do it.

Can I get an Amen?

No?

Well, lookie here, you Philistines.

“Fantasy football means imaginary games played by imaginary teams in imaginary leagues, which are made up of real players whose playing statistics are compiled from real football games. So instead of betting on the actual NFL games, fantasy football participants bet on something that depends on the actual NFL games.”

Right there, my brethren and sisterns, right there is that expert on all things to do with tightbutt morality, Phyllis Schlafly. She is thumping on her Bible and singeing your butt on the flames of hell. Phyllis knows sin, my friend. Sin and Phyllis are on a first-name basis.

Cathie

Phyllis has teamed up with the most rightwing group in Texas – Cathie Adams and the Eagle Forum.  Together they are going to fight Fantasy Football.

I suspect they’ll need a fainting coach when they realize there’s also Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Soccer, Fantasy Golf, Fantasy Polo, Fantasy Basketball, and worst of all, Fantasy Fantasy, where sic-fi fans pick their favorite authors for the best seller list.  Okay, so I just made that last one up.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Remember the last time Republicans played musical chairs with the Speakership?

It’s deja vu all over again.

First there was Newt Gingrich.  Newt announced that he would not preside over “a chamber filled with cannibals,” when Republicans blamed him for … well, they blamed him for being Newt Gingrich. That whole cannibal thing made me giggle since Gingrich had been chewing on Bill Clinton’s butt for four years.

Of course Gingrich meant that Republicans were eating their own.  Yeah well, that has not changed.

So in 1999, Gingrich quits. Next comes Bob Livingston, one of Clinton’s loudest critics. Turns out that Ole Bob been sparkin’ in the barnyard so he has to step down in a public humiliation that’s becoming a ritual for sanctimonious Republicans.

Next, a backroom deal was done and a former high school shop teacher without enough brains to scramble was selected.  Denny Hastert was two IQ points smarter than his gavel but he was clean.  Or so they said.

An attorney for Dennis Hastert told a federal judge Thursday that the former House speaker intends to plead guilty in a federal hush-money case.

The 73-year-old Illinois Republican is charged with breaking banking laws and lying to the FBI in efforts to pay someone $3.5 million to hide claims of past misconduct.

You know, it’s a good thing that we have video of all this because future generations would never believe that Republicans did this even once, not to mention twice.

Bless their hearts, they are playing hell trying to find a guy with a rusted zipper.

I’m trying real hard this morning to make this connection:

Gas prices are down, so social security recipients will not get a COLA raise this year.

I’m here to tell you that my gasoline consumption has been cut by 75% since I’m not driving to work and back or taking kids to baseball practice.

However, my prescription drugs, glasses, hearing aid, and dental costs have gone up about 250%.  I haven’t noticed prices in the grocery store dropping, but that may be due to the need for new glasses that are gonna cost more than they did last year.

Who had the bright idea of connecting social security COLA to gas prices?  The COLA should be based on the price of One-A-Day Senior vitamins.  And that is my platform for running for congress.

My name is Juanita Jean and I approved this message.

Tennessee has a school district that shut down. Closed the doors. Turned out the lights. Made themselves gone.

Because … Obamacare.  Yep, that’s it.  The head of the school district explains —

“Clay County’s inability to generate the revenue to offset the mandates is what’s caused this to come to a head,” he said. “The straw that broke the camel’s back was really the Affordable Care Act for us and it has made it very difficult for us to have our employees properly covered and meet the mandates of the law.

One of the reddest counties in the state can’t afford to provide health insurance for their teachers.

Well, that’s not exactly true.  They can.  They just don’t want to.

County Commissioner Parrish Wright contends that the district does have enough funding to get through the end of the school year and officials could take up the issue later if the tax referendum doesn’t pass.

Hush, now, Commissioner Wright.  We wouldn’t want people to know that it wasn’t Obama’s fault.

Maybe y’all would go to the town square and wait for money to trickle down on you.

Thanks to Larry for the heads up.

Let’s say you’re playing around on Twitter and come across this.

You’re likely to think, “I bet there’s a good story behind that.”

And you would be right.  It’s Missouri.

A man, whose name is never revealed in the news reports but I would be willing to bet is  Bubba, was burning trash in a field.  The fire got out of control, as fires are apt to do, and this good citizen went to work to put it out.

Disregarding water as method of fire extinguishing, Bubba decides to drive his van back and forth over the fire to put it out.  I have no idea where Bubba learned this was a safe way to put out a fire, but I am pretty certain it wasn’t in a school of any sort.

When Bubba’s tires catch fire, he gets the idea that maybe this isn’t safe, especially when he remembers that his van is loaded with ammo and a full tank of gasoline.  Well, I do not know what they call that in Missouri, but a fire with gas and ammo in Texas is called, “Hoooooooly cow, Bertha! Look at that crap.”

When the police arrive, they find Bubba “watching the fire from a distance,” which was the only smart thing Bubba did all day.

The end is always the best and this story does not fail.

The deputy did not immediately cite the owner, who declined to make a report for a possible insurance claim.

“It seems like he’s just going to have to take a loss on that vehicle because I don’t think they’re going to cover it,” Bazzano said.

Not unless you can get insured against self-dumbness.

Thanks to Mike for the heads up.