Okay, here’s the deal.

If you want to run for public office in Texas, you have to submit your paperwork between November 14 – December 14, for an election that’s a year away.  Don’t ask me why that is.  Hell, I don’t know what I want to do next month, much less a year from now.

Early voting for the primaries begins February 16th and election day is March 1st.

Runoffs for the primary election are on May 24th.

EXCEPT:  maybe not.

In Texas, we are waiting for a ruling from the courts on whether or not our gerrymandered to hell and back districts are legal.

Since the litigation began in September 2011, shortly after that year’s legislative session ended, opponents of the maps have alleged that Republican lawmakers failed to create minority opportunity districts.

It was a violation of the Voting Rights Act because non-whites — particularly Hispanics — accounted for nearly 90 percent of the population growth of the past decade that allowed Texas to gain four congressional districts, they allege.

Since people can’t sign up to run for an office in a district with the boundaries being litigated, this is gonna be a damn certified goat rodeo.

If we don’t get a decision by November 14th, I am going to be one cranky woman.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.

Aladamnbama, I love you.

So, a Walmart in Florence, Alabama has a small marketing problem.

An Alabama man found more than he bargained for while shopping at his local Walmart gun counter recently, and a video showing what he came across is going viral on Facebook.

He picks up a product called “Gun Oil” in the gun section of Walmart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2y5c2AocY

Gun oil is “a personal lubricant that’s known for its targeted marketing to the gay community.”

See?  I told you.  A gun is just an extension of a guy’s winkie.

Thanks to Glen Maxey (who the hell else would send this to me?) for the heads up.

From the MSNBC website —

What Ben Carson doing?

Well, obviously, he’s showing you the size of a fish he caught.

Hint: If Ben doesn’t know what he’s doing, an he doesn’t, then body else does either.

Better question:  what the hell is MSNBC doing?

What happens when you combine Louie Gohmert and Ted Cruz? A four legged, half brained, tiny winkie that tests the limits of sanity.

Ted and Louie want a bust of Margaret Sanger removed from the National Portrait Gallery because they just learned that bust does not always mean ta-tas.

“There is no ambiguity in what Margaret Sanger’s bust represents: hatred, racism, and the destruction of unborn life,” Cruz said. “Not only should we continue efforts to redirect funds from Planned Parenthood, an organization founded by Sanger that is currently under criminal investigation, we must also work to ensure that her inhumane life’s work is in no way promoted.”

Seriously, guys? That’s the only constructive thing you have to do today? Somebody get them a rake or a boom or something so their time can be better spent.

Thanks to Alacrity Fitzhugh for the heads up.

Honey, you could stick my finger in the outlet that lights up Las Vegas and I would not be more shocked than I am now.

The devil is taking over our country and he’s using Fantasy Football to do it.

Can I get an Amen?

No?

Well, lookie here, you Philistines.

“Fantasy football means imaginary games played by imaginary teams in imaginary leagues, which are made up of real players whose playing statistics are compiled from real football games. So instead of betting on the actual NFL games, fantasy football participants bet on something that depends on the actual NFL games.”

Right there, my brethren and sisterns, right there is that expert on all things to do with tightbutt morality, Phyllis Schlafly. She is thumping on her Bible and singeing your butt on the flames of hell. Phyllis knows sin, my friend. Sin and Phyllis are on a first-name basis.

Cathie

Phyllis has teamed up with the most rightwing group in Texas – Cathie Adams and the Eagle Forum.  Together they are going to fight Fantasy Football.

I suspect they’ll need a fainting coach when they realize there’s also Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Soccer, Fantasy Golf, Fantasy Polo, Fantasy Basketball, and worst of all, Fantasy Fantasy, where sic-fi fans pick their favorite authors for the best seller list.  Okay, so I just made that last one up.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Remember the last time Republicans played musical chairs with the Speakership?

It’s deja vu all over again.

First there was Newt Gingrich.  Newt announced that he would not preside over “a chamber filled with cannibals,” when Republicans blamed him for … well, they blamed him for being Newt Gingrich. That whole cannibal thing made me giggle since Gingrich had been chewing on Bill Clinton’s butt for four years.

Of course Gingrich meant that Republicans were eating their own.  Yeah well, that has not changed.

So in 1999, Gingrich quits. Next comes Bob Livingston, one of Clinton’s loudest critics. Turns out that Ole Bob been sparkin’ in the barnyard so he has to step down in a public humiliation that’s becoming a ritual for sanctimonious Republicans.

Next, a backroom deal was done and a former high school shop teacher without enough brains to scramble was selected.  Denny Hastert was two IQ points smarter than his gavel but he was clean.  Or so they said.

An attorney for Dennis Hastert told a federal judge Thursday that the former House speaker intends to plead guilty in a federal hush-money case.

The 73-year-old Illinois Republican is charged with breaking banking laws and lying to the FBI in efforts to pay someone $3.5 million to hide claims of past misconduct.

You know, it’s a good thing that we have video of all this because future generations would never believe that Republicans did this even once, not to mention twice.

Bless their hearts, they are playing hell trying to find a guy with a rusted zipper.