Guys, I’m taping the debate to watch later because something came up.  please feel free to tell me what to watch for.

By Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo

When Wanda Tonawanda first opened her scrapbooking store in Screech, Alabama, she was hoping to ride the wave of the latest hobby fad to financial security. But then “the gays” started coming to her store looking to preserve their wedding memories. “The whole thing went downhill from there,” Wanda said. “I refused to sell to them, and people refused to come to my store, and now my dreams of self-funding my own Presidential campaign someday are in ruins.”

Donald Trump wants Wanda.

Burl Merle Tarkington had a successful lawn care business in Irricanal, California, until a rival undercut his prices by paying his migrant workers 15 cents an hour less than the $1.50 Burl Merle was offering. “Now the Democrat bleeding hearts in Sacramento won’t even let us water lawns in the desert, because they made up global warming,” Burl Merle complained.  “How can I single-fund a superPAC on these margins?”

Donald Trump wants Burl Merle.

Over in Rightnut, Illinois, Wilson “BoomBoom” Thunderstick was the self-proclaimed “Number One Supplier of Document-Free Weaponry in the Tri-County Area,” and has suffered no ill-effects to his business whatsoever since the Federal Assault Weapons Ban expired in 2004. Nevertheless, “I could be making thousands more a month, if only the libs would get their regulatory jackboot off my neck.”

Donald Trump REALLY wants BoomBoom Thunderstick.

Wanda, Burl Merle and BoomBoom are all contestants in the new Donald Trump / FOX reality series Victims of America’s War on Victims. “The object of the series is to find America’s Biggest Loser, except that title was taken already,” said a source within the Trump camp who requested anonymity. “Whoever can best pretend to be injured by truth, justice or self-inflicted karma and somehow blame Democrat America will win, as sure as my name is Donald Trump.”

Inspired by the way Mike Huckabee stapled himself to erstwhile Kentucky clerk Kim Davis at her “sister-wife-chic” coming out party, and looking to diversify into the WASP-grievance industry, Trump quickly gathered the best minds at the Steer Stone Diner in Castrati, IA, to strategize. The result: the least-grounded-in-reality reality series, ever.

“Contestants will compete in a series of challenges,” the Trump spokseman (who isn’t Donald Trump, ignore that other paragraph) said. “Stuff like, who can gather the most wingnut welfare via social media. Who can misquote more Bible verses in support of their position. Who can use the word “Freedom” for as many different parts of speech as possible in a single sentence. Stuff like that. Spelling doesn’t count, of course.”

As to what the winning loser gets? “We’re not 100% sure,” it’s really not Donald Trump said. “But we’re looking at Vice President.”

Republicans in Texas are anxious to put a non-binding referendum on their primary ballot in Texas over whether “the state of Texas should reassert its status as an independent nation.”

It takes 66,894 signatures to get that on the ballot.  I suspect all 66,894 could be happily obtained in any foreign state. 

My bet is that it would pass in a GOP primary.  You know, until we remind them that their social security payments would stop the next day and that when they go to Louisiana to gamble, they will be foreigners.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.

Wisconsin wins today!

A 19 year old bought a rifle and wanted to impress everybody.  So he took at selfie at 1:30 am.

Of course, the gun went off.  He shot the neighbors.  Right through the damn wall.

Luckily no one was hurt because the neighbors were asleep. However, had they been in their bathroom …

The man first told the police he was cleaning the gun but had to admit he was taking a selfie when that whole cleaning-the-gun story didn’t work out.

The man, who had not been drinking, was cited for discharging a firearm within city limits. –

See, I don’t believe that part either.

Thanks to Claudia for the heads up.

High school in Irving, Texas, is not Intelligence Central. And you know that because a science teacher at that school didn’t know the difference between a digital clock and a bomb.

A ninth grader with an interest in electronics made a homemade clock and brought it to school, proudly showing it to his engineering teacher who told him, “Don’t show that to anyone else.”  Apparently, time stands still in Irving, Texas, and they like it that way.

The clock’s alarm went off during another class and – ah ha – that teacher discovered the magic of time. And thought it was a bomb.

Ahmed Mohamed told the teacher it was a homemade digital clock. He kept repeating that after the police were called, interrogated him and marched him out in handcuffs in front of other students. He missed his student council meeting.

They led Ahmed into a room where four other police officers waited. He said an officer he’d never seen before leaned back in his chair and remarked: “Yup. That’s who I thought it was.”

The police claimed it looked like “a movie bomb” because everything they know about science, they learned from a Bruce Willis movie.

They’re still investigating the case, and Ahmed hasn’t been back to school. His family said the principal suspended him for three days.

Yes, suspended for being smart.  By the way, he was charged with making a fake bomb, or as it is more commonly known, not a bomb.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

The CNN debate.

Those suckers built an actual mock-up of Air Force One behind the debaters.

Hell no, I am not kidding.

You can go watch them build it right here.  That’s not a green screen.  That’s an actual mock-up.

Ya think maybe that’s the missing airplane?

Holy damn cow.  CNN, be ashamed.  I promise you, CNN, that I am going to giggle when I see that.

EDITED:  After some people who I used to like ruined all the fun for me, I need to tell you that is Ronald Reagan’s airplane and it’s always there.

So, never mind.