It will certainly come as no surprise to you that Indiana has had an “unexpected” outbreak of HIV.

Scott County, Indiana, the center of an exploding HIV outbreak, has been without an HIV testing center since early 2013, when the sole provider — a Planned Parenthood clinic — was forced to close its doors. The clinic did not offer abortion services.

The Scott County clinic and four other Planned Parenthood facilities in the state, all of which provided HIV testing and information, have shuttered since 2011, in large part due to funding cuts to the state’s public health infrastructure.

Appropriately enough, Mike Pence pushed legislation while he was in congress to defund Planned Parenthood.

Now where are those death panels Republicans were always talking about?

Sumbitches.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Y’all, you knew it was just a matter of time.

INDIANAPOLIS – Paperwork for the First Church of Cannabis Inc. was filed Thursday – the same day Gov. Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law.

Church founder Bill Levin, who filed paperwork with the Secretary of State’s office to register the church as a non-profit, posted to his Facebook page that church and its “cannataerians” would seek “love, understanding and good health.”

Thelma’s church, Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity, also wants to open a branch in Indiana.  I think it’s semi-important to say that Thelma’s church here used to have a member but then she attended a VFW dance and … well, let’s just say she no longer qualifies for membership.  And Dirt Janochek is a member but hardly qualifies since (1) he ain’t a damn virgin and, (2) not getting laid often enough is not the same as virginity.

Anyway, I wish the folks at the new church in Indiana lots of love, understanding and good health.

I suspect if you’ve ever been here before you know that there are two groups of people who own the shiver to my spine:  developers and political consultants.

We’re gonna talk about political consultants today.  I don’t like ‘um and always will.

It seems like every time I turn around some Republican political consultant is getting in trouble.  This month it’s a mess in Colorado where a political consultant literally broke every one of the Ten Commandments at once.

The political consultant appointed last year by the Colorado Republican Party to run its independent expenditure committee pleaded guilty last week to illegally coordinating contributions between a political action committee he ran and a campaign he managed in a 2012 congressional race in Virginia.

If this consultant put even half as much thought into curing insomnia as he did moving this money around to benefit himself, the whole damn country would get a good night’s sleep.  But no, we have to stay awake to fret about one Republican stealing from another Republican.  No, wait.  That’ a good thing, right?

So here you have the party of greed and un-virtuous morality being baffled that they cannot trust each other.

Bless their hearts.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

We have talked about Texas’ new Commissioner of Agriculture, Sid Miller, many times here at the beauty salon.  In fact, he’s one of the main reason we’re still open.

He’s the guy who would have to study up to be an imbecile.

Well, Darlin’, he made the front page of the Austin American Statesman today.

It seems that Ole Sid has gone through money like Sherman through Georgia.

Newly elected Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller appointed the wife of his longtime political consultant and business partner to one of the highest-paid positions in his agency — part of a restructuring that has added several expensive executive positions to the agency.

Kellie Housewright-Smith was named a member of Miller’s transition team on Nov. 17 at a pay rate of $13,750 per month, according to personnel records obtained under Texas open records laws. Her husband is Todd Smith, who has worked on all of Miller’s state political campaigns.

The fun part is that she knows diddle squat about agriculture.  Hell, Thelma grows tomatoes in pots outside her doublewide so she’d be more qualified.

Well, once the Statesman started asking questions about her, she resigned to tend to “family health matters.”  I betcha.

That didn’t empty Sid’s Bag O’ Nuts.  No, sireeee.

Another of the commissioner’s new high-level hires was sanctioned by the Federal Elections Commission in 2004 for improperly obscuring sources of campaign contributions.

And I seriously doubt this is going to be the end of it.  Ole Sid don’t learn from lessons.

Miller also has ruffled feathers among his former colleagues in the Legislature by aggressively pushing for substantially more money for the Department of Agriculture, an agency whose budget he voted to slash when he was a representative, according to a recent Texas Tribune report. The report also revealed that Miller had been banned from parking in the secured driveway around the Capitol after he was caught parking there without permission.

Permission?  Sid don’t need no stinkin’ permission.

Maybe we could just ban him from the capitol.

Thanks to Donna for the heads up.

Oh y’all, John Boehner kicked Louie Gohmert so hard that Gohmert’s grandchildren will be born shaking.

Louie got tossed off two taxpayer funded congressional tours during the upcoming recess.  Boehner did it.  Boehner stressed that he didn’t do it because Gohmert ran against him for Speaker.

According to Gohmert’s office, the Texas Republican was slated to travel with California Republican Dana Rohrabacher “to meet with their friend,” Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. “But his participation was disapproved after all arrangements were made,” his communications director, Kimberly Willingham, told CQ Roll Call.

Gohmert was also scheduled to go to Africa with Oklahoma’s crazy man James Inhofe but Louie got booted from that trip, too.  I don’t think Boehner booted Louie for being ignorant, weird, and racist because Inhofe is all those things, too.

But, Gohmert got even.

Gohmert suggested it was important to talk to foreign leaders involved in the Middle East, but he said he could no longer do that “because the speaker won’t allow me to go overseas to talk to them.”

“I’m fine with that,” Gohmert said. “Because he canceled my trip this weekend, I’m going to be on Fox News, so thank you, Mr. Speaker.”

Yeah, being on Fox News is a bunch better than going to Egypt.

Uh, except when you go to Fox News and the show’s host thinks you’re dangerous.  Louie went on Fox News to announced that we should bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities, which is akin to pouring jet fuel on a forest fire.  The show’s host was babberflaster.

“You really don’t think — I mean, that’s a volatile option there,” Neville pointed out as she searched for words. “To go in and bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities, and you really believe that Russia will stop and say, ‘Okay, fine, go for it.’ I mean, that’s a dangerous…”

Gohmert argued that Russia might even get behind an attack on Iran because its leaders were “concerned about radical Islamist terror much more so than [the Obama] administration is.”

“They’re not crazy over there in Russia,” he insisted.

Maybe not, but they are plenty crazy sitting across the table on Fox News this morning.

Yes, (and I never thought I’d say this) thank you, Mister Speaker.

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.

I swear to my best curling iron that we ought to stand at the back door to the Texas Lege and hand out red rubber noses.

So last week they were discussing making it illegal to text while driving.  Because that kills people and not just the person texting.  Well, it passed but without the support of the three powerfully unfortunate-looking white boys from East Texas.

And why would they we opposed to this?  FREEDOM!

“I view it as government overreach,” [Will] Metcalf said Friday. “What are we going to outlaw next — changing your radio station, taking a drink of water, adjusting (your air conditioning)?”

State Rep Mark Keough sees other problems.

Another consequence Keough worries about is how law enforcement will enforce the new law.

“While they’re driving, they will have to do the very thing they’re telling us not to do,” Keough said.

He said law enforcement personnel will have to take their eyes off the road to see whether drivers are using their mobile devices.

Which is also what they have to do to see if you’re speeding, running a red light, or driving while stoopid.  FREEDOM!

But, Keough has a solution.

Keough said he’d like to see a campaign similar to “Don’t Mess with Texas” that changes the culture of distracted driving.

Yeah, there is now zero, completely zero litter in Texas.  But we do have lots of FREEDOM!

Thanks to Gene for the heads up.