So, I read where some oil company guy is paying his wife almost a billion damn dollars in a divorce.  You gotta hate somebody a whole lot to be willing to give them a billion dollars just to go away.

Continental Resources (CLR.N) Chief Executive Officer Harold Hamm has been ordered to pay nearly $1 billion to his ex-wife in one of the largest-ever U.S. divorce judgments, according to a court filing on Monday.

In an 80-page ruling following a more than nine-week divorce trial that ended last month, Oklahoma Special Judge Howard Haralson ruled that oil magnate Hamm should pay his ex-wife a total of $995.5 million.

Bubba said that if I divorce him I get half a GMC pick up truck, his 7 iron which never worked worth crap anyway, and his entire collection of coffee cans with leftover nails in them.

(Hey, see what I did there?  Hell’s Bills.  Get it?  Like Hell’s Bells except Hell’s Bills.  Oh screw it, it’s a damn Tuesday.)

Okay, campers, we are headed into what will prove to be one of the most interesting Texas legislature session in the history of modern insanity.

As some of you know, I am of minimal acquaintance with a retired state representative and goat rodeo troublemaker, Glen Maxey.  Maxey is reading every bill that comes through The Lege and when a bill fancies his favor he will toss it my way.  In exchange for this service, I have to buy him Mexican food every time I go to Austin.  I will start a Feed Glen Maxey fund sometime in the near future.

So today’s offerings are bills filed about public schools.

Hell’s Bill Numero Uno:  HB93  Relating to the repeal of the offenses of failure to attend school and parent contributing to nonattendance.  Okay, here’s the deal.  Compulsory school attendance?  Way too much compulsory in it.  Let’s let parents keep kids at home doing God-only-knows-what with them.

But, if you do want to go to school …

Hell’s Bill Dos:  HB138  says that the Ten Commandments can be posted in the classroom.

The board of trustees of an independent school district may not prohibit the posting of a copy of the Ten Commandments in a prominent location in a district classroom.

Well, so much for that local control that Republicans just love, love, love.

And to enforce all this …

Hell’s Bill Thirdo: HB198 – They are arming school boards.

Relating to the carrying of concealed handguns by certain persons attending a school board meeting

And those certain people?  Well, that would be members of the school board.  So, protecting yourself against the government just got a little bit harder because you cannot carry a gun into a school board meeting, even if you are licensed.

Its gonna be a hot time in the Old Lege in January.  I am considering going to Austin for the swearing-in ceremony.  If anybody would like to huddle up the night before, let me know and we’ll ponder on renting out the basement of Stubb’s barbeque.

From my favorite veteran today —

So today I’m gonna get all the free Veterans Day stuff. I’m getting breakfast at IHOP, coffee at Starbucks, a hair cut at Sports Clips, and for dinner, buffet at the Indian casino in Iowa. I would get lunch too, but I don’t think I could eat that much.

President Obama has come out strongly in favor of net neutrality.

People like Ted Cruz, who answer to their corporate overlords, oppose net neutrality but even more than that, they oppose sex, rock and roll, and President Obama.

So, Ted Cruz , who has an extremely limited world view, tweeted —

What a shame to waste a perfectly good Ebola or Isis analogy.

Net Neutrality:  It’s just like Isis with Ebola in a polar vortex with Planned Parenthood and Unionized immigrants.  Exactly like that.

Oh so you were all “Yikes!  Holy Crap!  We’re all gonna die!” about Ebola.

And the reason you were is because you already have a virus called ATCV-1.  It’s real.  It’s eating your brain.  And we need to quarantine Texas.

Scientists at the Johns Hopkins Medical School and the University of Nebraska have discovered an algae virus that makes us more stupid by infecting our brains.

The researchers were conducting a completely unrelated study into throat microbes when they realised that DNA in the throats of healthy people matched the DNA of a chlorovirus virus known as ATCV-1.

ATCV-1 is a virus that infects the green algae found in freshwater lakes and ponds. It had previously been thought to be non-infectious to humans, but the scientists found that it actually affects cognitive functions in the brain by shortening attention span and causing a decrease in spatial awareness.

That describes Texas Republicans to a tee.

As soon as they forget to be afraid of Obamacare, Republicans swear Isis is already in Texas and you probably didn’t even notice that your head is missing.  When your attention span gets tired of Isis, they give you Ebola and you should be terrified that one person in Texas died of Ebola.  Hell, fifty people died in Texas from falling off building so I suspect they’re gonna scare you of elevators next.

And you wanna talk about a “decrease in spatial awareness”?  Hell, why do you think they don’t want Mexicans to cross the border?  They are afraid there’s not room for them.

I don’t know this for a fact, but I hear it’s only contagious through carriers.  And the only carriers are white males with pickup trucks.  Just a rumor, mind you, but it never hurts to stay away from carriers.  Or deport them.

Thanks to MoodyB for the heads up.

Okay, he’s baaaaaaack.

And he’s talking crazy.  The art projects at the asylum did not help, y’all.

Get a load of this.

Oh yeah, like he got into Yale on his own.  And he didn’t even have to show up for his last year of military duty on his good looks and hard work.  And George P. Bush is massively qualified to be Texas Land Commissioner because, well dammit, he owns land.

In a CBS News interview that aired on Sunday, Bush told host Bob Schieffer that his mother was wrong to think that there had been enough presidents in their family.

“Sometimes her prognostications haven’t been very accurate,” the 43rd president of the United States argued. “No, I think you have to earn your way into politics. I don’t think that anything is ever given to you.”

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.