Holy cow, y’all.  We had a sheriff out in west Texas just go bonkers.

Texas sheriff spoke to Fox & Friends host Elizabeth Hasselbeck this morning and warned her that members of the ISIS terrorist group, attempting to consolidate power in the Middle East, are also currently infiltrating the United States by sneaking over the border from Mexico.

Gary Painter, a sheriff from Midland County, Texas, had a warning for the would-be terrorists, saying, if they “show their ugly head in our area, we’ll send them to hell.”

Now Sheriff Painter out in Midland, Texas, which is the county seat of Midland County, got himself on Fox News by saying that he has heard “rumors” that Isis is coming across the border in Juarez.  Of course he heard that rumor — on Fox News.

Midland County is 300 miles of rough road from anydamnwhere.

Nobody lives in Midland, Texas, on purpose.  It’s where their car ran out of gas and instead of walking 300 miles, they just give up and live there.

Now how do the people who told Sheriff Painter about Isis coming across the border know that Isis is a’comin’ across the border?

We have found copies — our people along the border — have found Muslim clothing, they have found Koran books that are laying on the side of the trail. So we know that there are Muslims that have come across, that have been smuggled into the United States.

Muslim clothes?  Anything that is not a poncho?

Koran books?  You know, as opposed to the Koran tablecloth or the infamous Koran shopping cart.

Sheriff Painter is pretty damn sure that all Muslims are card carrying members of Isis and that they drop Koran books like Hansel and Gretel and that they shed their clothing on the Mecca to, as Elizabeth Hasslebeck so intellectually puts it, “drown us in our own blood?”

And not to be outdone by Hasselbeck, Sheriff Painter adds what he’d do if he could …

“I think the United States needs to get busy and they need to bomb ‘em. They need to take ‘em out. I would like for them to hit them so hard and so often that every time they hear a propeller on a plane or a jet aircraft engine, that they urinate down both legs.”

Both legs?  Really, sheriff?  You haven’t had an erection in a long time, have you?

Anybody know when was the last time we used propeller airplanes to bomb?

So here’s the whole mess live in living color on the electric teevee set.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPJ6KNa3qR0#t=115

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Wichita knows the importance of football.

Police are still looking for the men who they said threatened a youth football league coach with a gun and then began beating him after a dispute over playing time. The coach’s wife pulled out a gun and fired it in the air to scare the men away.

You might want to go read the whole story because it was a redneckapoolza.  Brass knuckles, women hollering, guns flashing, hair pulling — things you generally only find at a redneck wedding.

In Texas, we caught a great idea.  Let the Texas Board of Education appoint 140 people to textbook approval committees but only let three of them be current faculty members at Texas colleges and universities.

TFN has identified more than a dozen other Texas academics — including the chair of the History Department at Southern Methodist University as well as faculty at the University of Texas at Austin — who applied to serve but did not get appointments to the panels.

But the TFN analysis found that political activists and individuals without social studies degrees or teaching experience got places on the panels. One reviewer, Mark Keough, a Republican nominee for the Texas House District 15 seat, got an appointment to a U.S. History panel after being nominated by SBOE chair Barbara Cargill. Keough, a pastor with degrees in theology, has no teaching experience listed on his application form. Keough recently retired from a career in car sales to run a ministry in Cargill’s hometown of The Woodlands and to run for office.

Yep.  Pass up an SMU professor for a used car salesman.  Them used car salesman, they know stuff.  Plus, he’s read the Bible, the only textbook you’ll ever need.

Not shocking, a group of academics studied the textbooks written by by the Committee of Perpetual Ignorance and found a boatload of mistakes.

Here’s one —

Text mentions Moses and claims that the “biblical idea of a covenant, an ancient Jewish term meaning a special kind of agreement between the people and God, influenced the formation of colonial governments and contributed to our constitutional structure.”

Well, I’ll be John Locke’s monkey’s uncle.  The opposite is true.

They are real big on Moses and the Ten Commandments being the basis of all our laws.  Yeah, and that’s why not honoring your parents is a felony offense.  And that saying Good Lord will cost me a fine.  I also need to mention that we could pretty much empty the House of Representatives if adultery laws were properly enforced.  Does anybody know how many states have coveting laws?

Of course “thou shalt not bear false witness” is only against the law if you’re under oath, not producing a teevee ad for your reelection.

And, the Second Amendment and the NRA pretty much try to undo Thou Shalt Not Kill.

So we’re left with not stealing.  Oh hell, that only counts if you’re poor.  If you’re stealing banks accounts, mortgages, and the stock market you’re exempt.

Moses plan didn’t work out too well with the Founding Fathers.

They need to put me and slingshot on that committee.

Thanks to Tina for the heads up.

It’s a new week so there must be an update on Republican Soap Operas.

Mark Sanford’s girlfriend says she found out about their breakup when he posted it on his Facebook page.  And that little tidbit was interesting enough to make The New York Damn Times.  She says they had just spent great week in Paris where “we were like in a honeymoon.”

Mr. Sanford had been appearing publicly with Ms. Chapur more often. During the interview, Ms. Chapur relayed her elation over a recent visit the two had made to a parade in South Carolina, where, she remarked that women and men alike appeared to embrace her position at Mr. Sanford’s side. It had led her to conclude, “It was worth it, because people realize that it was a love story at the end of the day.”

Hell, it’s South Carolina.  They were just relieved that he didn’t marry his sister.

And then Sarah Palin jumps up and says it’s not as bad as it looks.  Okay, so maybe it is, but she needs attention.

With a live band, dancing, and the former governor rocking red-white-and-blue high-tops, everyone seemed to be having a good time.

But then, some words were exchanged. And that’s where the stories diverge significantly.

“Words?”  Nooooooo. Can you even imagine Sarah Palin getting in trouble with words?

What could possibly go wrong when Sarah Palin is exchanging words?

Next week:  Is Newt Gingrich going to sanctify marriage one more time?

If you’re the majority party in a county, you pretty much have run of the place.  And if the District Attorney is a member of your party and he’s (1) a wimp, (2) so untrustworthy that even the grand jury doesn’t trust him, and (3) bought and paid for by the Republican good ole boys, then you have run of the place with a gold pass.

That’s pretty much the situation here.

Here’s an email that went out on a county account to Republican elected officials’ county account.  It’s about raising money for the local Republican Party to have a Christmas Party.

Click the little one to get the big one.

Just when you think that enough laws have been violated, Bernice is apparently conducting Republican Party business from, ironically, her desk at the Jail Information switchboard. But that’s okay because her boss is a Republican.

Now let’s talk about the laws that have been violated with this email.

We can start with this one:

Election Code Sec. 255.0031. UNLAWFUL USE OF INTERNAL MAIL SYSTEM FOR POLITICAL ADVERTISING. (a) An officer or employee of a state agency or political subdivision may not knowingly use or authorize the use of an internal mail system for the distribution of political advertising.
…
(c) A person who violates this section commits an offense. An offense under this section is a Class A misdemeanor.

And we may even have this one:

Penal code Sec. 39.02. ABUSE OF OFFICIAL CAPACITY. (a) A public servant commits an offense if, with intent to obtain a benefit… he intentionally or knowingly:
…
(2) misuses government property, services, personnel, or any other thing of value belonging to the government that has come into the public servant’s custody or possession by virtue of the public servant’s office or employment.

Now, I’m going to stop here and remind you that our District Attorney John Healey would not even prosecute a Republican candidate for clear and obvious voter fraud, even when the damn fool admitted to it.

But let’s put all the law breaking aside.  Let’s even ignore the political privilege of using taxpayer’s money to raise political money.

What the hell?  I want to talk about the level of honest in the Republican Party’s outreach program when they have their Christmas Party at the damn Redneck Country Club.  This is a joint that had confederate flags on their website until someone pointed out that maybe, just maybe, that might be considered racist.

The Redneck Country Club is the brainchild of Michael Berry, the rightwing homophobic radio host who got himself caught at a well-known gay club on drag queen night.

Interestingly, his wife is the Texas Secretary of State – the person in charge of elections.

So you’ve got all that incest going to add to guns and booze at the Redneck Country Club.

Nobody will get in trouble about any of this and better yet, nobody will ever admit that anything wrong at all was done.

Louie Gohmert is all into analogies now.

So, here’s one.

“It occurs to me that this president is to our Constitution as Putin is to Ukraine.”

This came after Gohmert said that Central American refugees are an “existential threat to America.”  And that immigration is “a threat to our existence!”

So when you combine analogies with hyperboles you get a crazy east Texas politician.

Maybe next week he’ll diagram a sentence for us!

Thanks to John A. Kwitkoski the cool graphic.