I gotta break some news to you.  Steve Stockman has turned up missing.  He’s shown up gone.  It seems he’s been missing since January 9th, except for a brief siting in Egypt.  Yeah, the real Egypt.

Seriously.  Nobody knows where he is, least of all his staff.  We were going to check the Appalachian Trail but then remembered it Steve Stockman, the man obviously doesn’t do s-e-x.

I’d say it was the rapture and the only one taken was Steve, but in Steve’s case it’d be more likely to be an alien abduction.

So, to distract attention from this, Steve’s good buddy, Ted Nugent, and up and decided that Steve should be awarded “GOP Medal of Common Sense” from Speaker John Boehner.

Oh.  Dear.  God.  He wrote a column about it.  Well, it’s not exactly a column, it’s more like a word salad.

I wanna be honest with you.  Stockman is missing but there ain’t nobody in Texas looking for him real hard.  We’ll just put his face on a couple of milk cartons and that’ll be it.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

We’re getting Sean Hannity  but more importantly, last we heard – his hair is coming with him!

Goofy Gohmert invited Sean Hannity to be his guest at the State of the Union, which is just one click up the sanity scale from Steve Stockman inviting Ted Nugent.  Still in the red danger area, though.

But, here’s the part that’ll keep me awake at night.

Turns out, Hannity may have his own political ambitions in the Lone Star state.

“The answer is yes, I’d think about it,” Hannity said when a viewer asked via Twitter about his inclination to run for office eventually. “It would either be in Texas or Florida.”

So, we have a 50/50 chance of sliding off into the Gulf of Mexico by exceeding the Dog Dump Dumb scale.

As we slide, I can hear the voice of God saying, “Oops, a little heavy on the stupid but arrogant white guys tilt.”

The upside is that you could surf in Oklahoma.

Just in case you guys are worried about me in that eventuality, I am the proud owner of one of those floating pool lounge chairs, so I’ll be okay.  I’d appreciate it if you’d come out in your bass boat and bring me more Margaritas, though.  I’ll be busy swatting off  stupid but arrogant white guys who want a free ride on my pool chair.

Sean Damn Hannity.  We’re officially a mess.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Houston Mayor Annise Parker is one of my favorite people and a friend.  She is as sweet as a grandmother’s kiss, but also tough as a three dollar steak.  She has been great for my hometown, the city of Houston.  She first served as a city council member at large in 1998, then was elected comptroller in 2004, and finally as mayor in 2010.

She just won re-election against 8 opponents with 58% of the vote.  What I’m telling trying to tell you is that she’s wildly popular.  If we had a vote about whether to put a statue of her next to Sam Houston, she’d win that, too.

And all that time, she has been openly gay.  She and Kathy Hubbard have lived together for 23 years and Kathy is often introduced as Houston’s First Lady.  They are raising two adopted daughters and a foster child.

A couple of weeks ago, they went to California and got married.  Mostly, everybody was happy for them.  True love that lasts a lifetime is hard to come by and when two people find it, that’s generally cause for celebration.

Holy moly, not so much in Republican circles where both true and  love are both in short supply.

Those creeps went caterwaul crazy.  They got started and even a few weeks later, they just can’t shuddup.  They got little spittle things running out the sides of their mouth and their hair appears to be on fire, or at least smoldering.

Dan Patrick, a guy who wants to Lt. Governor, screeched ….

“I am not shocked that Mayor Parker decided to elope to California for a marriage that is unconstitutional in Texas. This is obviously part of a larger strategy of hers to turn Texas into California.”

It’s a well known fact that the only gays in America all live in California and they have an agenda.  It’s probably unconstitutional.

Mayor Parker, after noting that Patrick is running for office and needs a whipping boy, added, “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And I don’t think that’s unusual.”

Oh Lord, I love this woman.

Jared Woodfill

Next came GOP Party Chairman Jared Woodfill:  “she’s trying to bring California values to Texas.”

“Mr. Woodfill is a little like a windup doll,” Parker said. “I say something and he goes on TV and says this is something I planned. It’s part of my grand agenda to promote gay rights.”

Guys, you need to get over this.  She’s whipped you. She’s smarter, prettier, more popular and tougher than you are.  And, everybody knows, my friends, that loves trumps hate any day of the week.

Meanwhile, y’all better remember that making you both unemployed is probably on her agenda.  And that’s not unconstitutional.

… a state senator running against Lindsey Graham says that teachers should be allowed to carry machine guns in the classroom.

Oh my gosh, finally!  Someone who makes Lindsey Graham look good.

South Carolina state Sen. Lee Bright (R), who is challenging Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) in the GOP primary, said on Friday that school teachers should be able to carry machine guns to protect students from gun violence.

Just what this country needs – more machine guns in classrooms.

Okay, in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse race to win the Republican nomination for Texas Lt. Governor, it’s a tough job to name a crazy of the day.

The reason this race is important is because in Texas the Lt. Governor has all the power.  We’re going to talk more about that later.

Anyway, incumbent David Dewhurst has tied his shoelaces together and tried to promenade.  Get this —

“At the end of the day, we’re paying our school teachers — when you count in cost of living — a very fair salary,” Dewhurst said. “We need to have better results. We need to make sure that we’re not just paying more money and we need to look at more choice for parents.”

Texas consistently ranks near the bottom nationally in average teacher pay according to many groups that track classroom salaries, including teacher unions. One expert testified in the state’s pivotal school finance trial last year that Texas’ average teacher pay was about $47,300 in 2009-10 dollars — lower than the national average of nearly $55,000, and less than what 32 other states pay educators.

You know for a dead solid perfect fact that he wanted to add, “after all, they are mostly women at the end of the day results flag guns God taxes amen.”

David Dewhurst is one of the richest dudes in Texas.  You know what I wanna see?  I wanna see David Dewhurst for just one day teach a class of 30 kids in an inner city school.  Just one day.  And then live on a teacher’s salary for a month.  Just a month.

Now you know why Ted Cruz beat him in the primary when he up and ran for the senate.  You know how arrogance and ignorance sound kinda alike?  That’s because Dewhurst and Dumbass do, too.

You can start registering now for your county/senatorial conventions.  They will be held on Saturday, March 22nd.   This is where we select delegates to the state convention in Dallas, pass resolutions, and conduct party bidness.

Click right here to register yourself.  You will get information about where your local convention will be held.  It will always be in your county so unless you live in Brewster County, you won’t have a long drive.  This is a great chance to learn the new system and be ready for 2016.  Plus, it’s also a great chance to show Republicans that, dammit, we mean to win.

Thanks – and sign up now.