There is a reason we need a big ole wall around Texas.

One of us got caught today.

A shirtless man arrested on Tuesday near the White House with a loaded handgun and two knives told officers he was, according to court documents, “only going to fire a couple of shots if no one confronted me,” NBC4 Washington reports.

Christopher Wade Briggs also reportedly had a container of alcohol at the time of his arrest, which was precipitated when, according to The Hill, a Secret Service officer “allegedly saw him take a .45-calibur handgun out of his backpack and attach it to his belt.”

Briggs, who is from Texas, was arrested in Layayette Park, just north of the White House.

You know, this really isn’t fair.  Everything he did is legal in Texas.  That’s called Second Amendment Drunk in Texas law books and carries a fine of $1.75

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Now, if you remember properly, the last time we were all in Austin, Texas, fighting for our constitutionally guaranteed rights as women, the Republicans repeatedly told us that their plan to close abortion clinics in Texas was not about abortion but about women’s health and safety.

We knew at the time that was caca del toro.  And we were right.

Called “The Texas Heartbeat Bill,” this sucker would outlaw abortions as soon as a fetal heartbeat can be detected.

“A person may not knowingly perform or induce or attempt to perform or induce an abortion on a pregnant woman with the specific intent of causing or abetting the termination of the life of the unborn child if it has been determined, in accordance with Section 171.103, that the unborn child has a detectable heartbeat,” the bill states.

That can be six weeks – before a woman even knows she’s pregnant.

The bill was introduced in the current special session by State Rep Phil King, a very creepy man who may eat babies when nobody is looking.   He’s kind of a prissy guy, too. I don’t like him and always will.

Now you might ask yourself how can a doctor detect a fetal heartbeat at 6 weeks pregnant.  You, of course, use a phallic shaped instrument called a transvaginal probe.  Not you, actually, because you’re not that weird.  But, somebody does and my theory is that Phil King wants it to be him.  Look at that man, Sister.  There’s something wrong with him.

So, if Phil King wants to be known henceforth as Probe King, I think he should be required to carry one of these suckers around at all times on the house floor with that grin on his face.  He can use it as a pointer, a pretend weapon if gun play breaks out, or something to shove in his ear.  I do not care, but he should have to remind every woman in Texas what he personally wants to do to us.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

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There’s some weird stuff in Colorado.

Now I ain’t saying this has anything to do with legalizing weed in Colorado, but I ain’t saying it doesn’t, either.

A small Colorado town is considering whether to issue hunting licenses that would offer residents a bounty for shooting down unnamed drones operated by the U.S. government.

Deer Trail resident Phillip Steel told KMGH that he had already collected enough signatures to put his proposed measure on the ballot.

“We do not want drones in town,” Steel explained. “They fly in town, they get shot down.”

Dude, think physics.  If that sucker is coming down, it’s coming down somedamnplace.  Like maybe on top of me.  I mean, you shoot a dove and that’s not gonna hurt real bad if it comes falling outta the clear blue sky and hits me.  A drone, maybe.  In fact, I’m betting it would.  I’m pretty sure it would.

Steel wants to pay money for drone pelts.  “To qualify for the $100 bounty, hunters would have to present a whole or nearly intact drone. But drone parts would be worth $25.”  I do not know is taxidermy is permitted.

Although Steel admits that he has not seen a drone flying over Deer Trail, Customs and Border Protection does fly Predator drones on surveillance missions over the U.S. border. Those drones come at a cost of about $18 million each — and the destruction of federal property is against the law.

Chezzz …. Steel is a cheapskate, ain’t he?  $100 in exchange for $18 million?  Does he run WalMart or something?

Do not hunt these with Dick Cheney.

Yeah, it’s the weed.  Gotta be the weed.

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.

Texas Comptroller Susan Combs is not running for reelection.  With Rick Perry hiking the Nobel Peace Prize Trail, Texas Republicans are playing musical officeholder chairs.  They are all scampering around to fill the idiot void in Texas elective office.

My personal State Senator, Glen Hegar, the man behind the anti-choice bill, wants to be comptroller.  There only two things working against him.  (1)  He’s dumber than dog dump, and (2) you know how they say that politics is show business for ugly people?  They met Glen Hegar.

Bless his heart, he kinda makes your eyes fog over.

I suspect the Republicans were willing to let him be comptroller because the comptroller doesn’t have to come out into the light of day too often.

But after he hacked off enough Texas women to staff a space program, he’s got some Republican competition.  State Rep. Harvey Hilderbran has decided to take him on.

And what to Republicans like more than they even hate women?  Money.

So, Hilderbran’s campaign rolled his state representative money into his new campaign account and puffed themselves up with – get ready for this term – “fundraising prowess” to show they have lots of support.

Now in Texas, politicians rarely talk (see #1 above) but let their consultants do the talking.

“How can people trust Harvey Hilderbran to give an accurate revenue estimate if he can’t give an accurate report of his campaign finances,” said Hegar consultant Todd M. Smith.

Hilderbran consultant Matt Mackowiak responded, “How can Texas voters trust a candidate for comptroller who hires a consultant who doesn’t understand basic accounting terms?”

More importantly, how can Texans support any guy who is paying people money to make second grade faces at each other?  I mean, both those candidates paid cash American money for that.

They say that about five more people are entering that race.  Let’s hope they get some who can throw spitballs.

I’ve been married to Ole Bubba for 43 years next month.  He will not put his hand in my purse.  Ever.  My purse scares him.

If I say, “Honey, grab my wallet out of my purse,” he will bring me my purse, holding it at arm’s length, and hand it to me.

He says that he’s almost certain that that once early in our marriage he found human body parts, a fishing rod and bait, and the code for nuclear detonation in my purse and he’s not going back.

The reason I’m telling you this is that the Texas Department of Public Safety, already under roars for laughter for confiscating dangerous feminine hygiene products, is claiming that women tried to sneak in bottles of feces to the Senate gallery during the women’s rights debate.

Now, while no one has be able to find any DPS officers, reporters, or eyewitnesses who actually saw this,  DPS chief Steve McCraw says we need to accept his word that it happened.

State Rep. Donna Howard, D-Austin, has questioned the statement since DPS initially released it Friday. Howard sent a letter to McCraw on Monday, asking, among other things, why there was no evidence to back up reports that such items were found or seized.

McCraw wrote that “the department never took possession of these items and had no justification to do so. The possession of these and other items is not a crime, and therefore, there was no basis to arrest and detain visitors who possessed such items; however, they were denied access unless they discarded the items.”

So, it’s legal to carry around bottled feces in Texas, which comes as a great relief to Republican legislators – who have been carrying around pails of it for their corporate overlords and religious zealots for decades.

And there’s more purse secrets:

McCraw added to the list of items that were confiscated and discarded by police including “paint, confetti, glitter, bottles of bubbles, bags of balloons (not inflated), handheld air horns, a bag full of tomatoes” and two bricks, which were being used to prop doors open and were not going to be used as projectiles, he said.

And there’s something unusual about that?  I’ve been to the grocery store with all that in my purse, plus a small fan, an extra pair of shoes and a chargers to three electronic devices I no longer own.

This is Texas, Bub.  I know women who carry tool boxes in their purses.  Big ‘uns.