Y’all, it’s not natural for a girl to get this lucky.
First, Ole Louie Gohmert, God Bless His Heart, got to speaking in tongues again. This time about owls mating. I know. And K-Mart. I know, I know, it’s crazy.
Gohmert recalled that once during a discussion about endangered species, he had heard that “a pair of spotted owls that we were told for years couldn’t mate anywhere but virgin woods, untouched by human hands, they may have been seen mating in [a] Kmart sign.”
“And sheer sarcasm and out of irony I said, you know, there are a lot of Kmarts that have been out of business,” he continued. “Maybe we need to see if that’s really true and if so, maybe get Kmart signs, see if they ought to be declared endangered and maybe have a Kmart sign forest, where these little owls could mate like crazy out there on the Kmart signs.”
That is neither irony or sarcasm. That’s talking without saying nothing. Louie, normal people do not spend a lot of time thinking about KMart being the NoTell Hotel for owls.
Then, as if to put a crown on my damn perfect day, I pick up the local rightwing newspaper, who like Fox News, ironically names themselves The Independent. Mostly, I think, because the only writer for the newspaper is owned lock, stock, and barrel, by some rightwing good ole boys who want their own newspaper and independent is the last damn thing they are.
Okay, so they did a front page story about Louie Gohmert coming to speak to the local Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club. They call themselves the Spirit of Freedom but everybody else calls them the Belles of Heaven. I told you all about it.
What we did not know is that Tom DeLay was coming out of his delusional closet where he has been hiding to try to rewrite history.
Seriously. You have to see this front page to believe it.
OH HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE.
Louie Gohmert and Tom DeLay – THE Titans of Congress.
NO GOD, DON’T LOOK. We don’t need any more tornadoes and this many lies and frightening thoughts in one place could only mean that even Pat Robertson can’t piss you off this much.
No, no, seriously. Hell, I even took a picture of it just to make sure it wasn’t a vampire or something.
Titans of Congress – a crazed man and a crook. OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE.
Then the article starts telling the story of poor Tom Delay, wrongly convicted by a vindictive DA and hounded out of office by Dennis Hastert (who, Tom has apparently forgotten, was the only character witness he could muster up during his trial) and sentenced by a judge who didn’t know how long three years is or some damn thing.
Look, I was there, dammit, and none of that happened. I heard the jury of 12 citizens – who wanted to convict him of something much stronger. I heard the judge (who was a Republican) say that he did not believe Tom DeLay and then sentence him to three years hard time. I saw Tom clutch his Bible to speak to the court – even through he refused to be sworn in – and blame it all on Nancy Pelosi and former Travis County DA Ronnie Earle. Nancy Pelosi made you laundry money? And I heard him say, “I’m not whining,” three times. Yes, dammit, he was whining THAT much.
Tom DeLay was convicted for one reason and one reason alone: he’s a damn crook. He may have bought his way with Republican appeals court judges to stay out of prison and they may even overturn his conviction as a favor owed, but he’s a crook. A titan crook.
Titans of Congress – my big blue butt.
But I will cut it out and treasure it because if the Belles of Heaven have that low mark of standards, I’ve got a line of cosmetics made out of plastic that I’d like to sell them.
Plus, people in foreign states will love this.
Titan. Congress. Noooooooo…..
Mr. FitzSimmonds is the “former executive director of what is now the Care Net Pregnancy Help Center and the former chair of the Virginia Crisis Pregnancy Center Directors Association”