Lamar Smith is a Texas Republican congressvarmint from San Antonio, even though he spends most of his time at his home in Hyannisport, Massachusetts.  He only comes home to Texas for election purposes.

He’s so rightwing that he flies in counterclockwise circles.

His particular form of religion is Christian Science, which is neither.

The religion’s adherents, known as Christian Scientists, subscribe to a radical form of philosophical idealism, believing that spiritual reality is the only reality and that the material world is an illusion. This includes the view that sickness and death are illusions caused by mistaken beliefs, and that the sick should be treated by a special form of prayer intended to correct those beliefs, rather than by medicine.

As Chairman of the House Committee on the Judiciary, he refused to let a bill out of committee giving regulation of marijuana to the states because …

Smith stated that “Marijuana use and distribution is prohibited under federal law because it has a high potential for abuse and does not have an accepted medical use in the U.S.”

Lamar, Honey, you don’t think there’s any medical use for aspirin or penicillin so maybe you shouldn’t be speaking so sassy about marijuana.

And Now he’s gone all Mr. Science Guy on us.  He has introduced a bill called The High Quality Research Act, which ain’t any of those words.  Well, except maybe for the The and that’s still under suspicion.

The bill says that any research done using federal funds (which is the majority of research done in the United States) must have its results and finding approved by the Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation of the Senate and the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology of the House of Representatives. If the findings are not agreed to, the research is taken from the researchers and disposed of by Congress as it sees fit.

And guess who is Chairman of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology?  Lamar Smith.  The committee also includes 5 other Texas Republicans, the sanest being Steve Stockman.

Now there are those who say that Smith opposed letting states decide on marijuana because one of Smith’s largest contributors is the alcohol lobby.   I guess we just have to hope that the funeral home industry doesn’t start throwing money at him.

Thanks to Craig for the first heads up.

Thelma is forming a committee called the Hey, Can’t We Force George Bush to Go to Europe Committee and Caucus.

Apparently under Texas law we presently can’t and that’s just a damn shame.

A planned trip by Bush to speak at the Switzerland-based United Israel Appeal later this week has been canceled after several human rights groups called for Swiss authorities to arrest Bush and investigate him for authorizing torture. Bush has traveled widely since leaving office, but not to Europe, where there is a strong tradition of international prosecutions.

Thelma says she thinks we can tell him that one of his bathroom paintings is being hung in the Louvre and he needs to go see it.  “If he knows the Louvre is in Europe, I’ll kiss a frog on the courthouse steps,” she promises.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Our first probable willing human tester of the Armored Nutshellz is sitting in a hospital in Dallas, Texas, completely unwilling to try it again.

PARIS, TEXAS — A Paris man was airlifted to a Dallas hospital after an accidental shooting Monday.

The Paris Police Department responded to a call early Monday morning at the 2600 block of Briarwood.

The 49- year- old male told police a pistol that was being carried in a vest holster went off and the bullet struck the victim in the groin area.

I think this may be the first time in Texas history that the common occurrence of a shot to the “groin area” was self-inflicted and did not involve the words “honkey tonk, Betty Lou, drunk, and wife.”

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

An American man named Jeremiah Raber  spent about $100,000 of his own money to create something every man needs, a device that can deflect bullets from 9mm and .22 caliber handguns.

“It is a bullet resistant groin protection device,” Raber said. “It is the world’s strongest cup.”

Because we don’t need no damn bulletproof helmet.  We need this.

And he named it …. of course … Armored Nutshellz.

I know that you did not want to know that but I just had to tell you.  It’s my job.

Jeremiah without his Bullfrog

Jeremiah went on teevee in Missouri and “shot 9mm rounds into a athletic cup filled with red dye to prove that men’s groins were susceptible to bullets without additional armor.”  Because we would not have known that without all the red dye vividly spattering everywhere.  It was like one of those science experiments.  Oh Look!  Bullets can pierce humans everywhere.  I imagine even on their feet.

To prove the product worked, Raber fired several rounds from 9mm and .22 caliber handguns at a Nutshellz protector. Each time, the bullet did little more than dent the groin shield.

I’m still waiting for someone to volunteer to test it live.

Louie Gohmert could do this to prove his mettle.  I think this also looks like a job for SuperRick Perry.  He doens’t seem to be using his much anyway.

Double dog dare.

You gotta love this country, where nobody has ever lost a dime protecting what is valuable.

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.

Rick Perry compares the Boy Scouts resisting gay members to Sam Houston opposing slavery.

Click here to view.  (We can’t get it to embed here for some strange reason.)

Rick, honey, gay is here to stay.

And yes, Rick did not listen in Texas history.  Sam Houston did not oppose slavery; he opposed secession.

And Rick was also absent from school the day they taught metaphors.  There is a big ole hairy difference between oppressing people through slavery and then standing up to keep people oppressed. It’s like saying, “Jesus had the courage to feed the hungry so we should be like Jesus by having the courage not to feed the hungry.”

Y’all, this man wants to be the President.  Of the country.  Somebody, please, make him read a book.  Any book.  Mostly, this one.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Rush Limbaugh says he may not renew his contract Cumulus Media.  He’s upset with the “repeated criticism from the network’s CEO over Limbaugh’s offensive comments about Sandra Fluke, which allegedly lost the company millions of dollars in advertising revenue.”

Way to stinkin’ go, y’all!  I’m really proud of you.

Limbaugh and his ego say that he’s not the cause of the company losing money.

The news of Limbaugh’s possible departure comes one day ahead of Cumulus’s Tuesday earnings call, at which Dickey Is once again likely to address the impact the Fluke controversy has had on advertising. The source close to the show described Dickey’s remarks about advertising revenue as unjustified, and said such “criticism” of Limbaugh had resulted in the consideration to leave the company.

Yeah, leave before you’re tossed out on your ample hiney, Rush.

Did I mention that over 100 advertisers have now left Rush?

Thanks to Kellbee for the heads up.