Thanks to Harold Cook for the knock upside the head.  This story came from The Daily Currant, which is like The Onion.  Dayum, it sounded so much like Michele that I just had to use it.  Which just goes to show, you cannot parody Michele Bachman.  She is parody-proof.  I need to remember that.

Michele Bachmann is a tad peeved over Minnesooota passing marriage equality.

She is so upset, in fact, that she’s thinking of moving to Oregon.  Oregon?  Is she serious?

And does she think marriage equality in Minnesooota will cause people to become upset?  Not really.  It’s more like —

“I don’t know what it will be, Bruce,” she said. “It could be an earthquake. It could be a volcano. It could be some sort of flesh eating virus. All I know is that God does not let homosexuality go unpunished, and Minneapolis is next in line for his wrath.”

Holy crap!  A volcano in Minneapolis!  Hell, I’d move to Minnesooota just to see that.  That would probably be pretty cool.

When they asked her why other states who approved marriage equality haven’t had volcanoes and flesh eating viruses and whatnot, she said “it’s only a matter of time.”  Well hell, Michele, in 20 million years the sun will burn out and prove your sweet patootie right.

And I’m not sure about this but I think she’s forming a wagon train.

“It breaks my heart to think that the Democrats are willing to play politics with the lives of so many Minnesotans. And I hate to leave so many of my constituents behind, but I urge them – please, please – follow my example and get your loved ones to safety before it’s too late.”

She forgot to add the part about getting your husband outta town before he gets a boyfriend.  That’s just a matter of time, too.

Thanks to Rachel for the heads up.

Damn, why didn’t I think of that!

Forget everything I wrote below.  THIS is how you win.  You get the endorsement of Jesus Christ when running for mayor.

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And she has the whole prove-me-wrong thing down to an art form.

Pierre, a registered nurse and 90s Creole-language pop star, said she prayed leading up to registering for her candidacy and received three signs that Jesus was her endorser.

“And what were those three things?,” asked Local 10’s Janine Stanwood.

“Well, I’m going to keep them private,” Pierre said.

Let’s see, there was (1) the likeness of Jesus on my toast, (2) I heard voices in my head, and … uh, (3) I’m not Rick Perry.

This race makes me want to move to North Miami.

The North Miami mayoral race has been full of shenanigans.

Last week, candidate Jean Marcellus was punched in the face inside his own campaign headquarters by an acquaintance. Candidate and former mayor Kevin Burns said he’s filed five police reports for stolen signs. Pierre said last month she was the target of voodoo spells.

And you thought Texas politics was fun.

Thanks again to Carl, who is keeping an eye on Florida for us.

Quit doing that.

I need to speak to the people who run around during school board and municipal elections using social media and leadership positions to tell people “Vote!  Don’t forget to vote.  Please vote!”

Quit it.  You’re not helping.  Seriously.  You’re creeping me out.

Plus, you look like idiots when you whine, whine, whine that people don’t show up for local elections.  Hey, quit whining.  Whining is not going to get people to the polls and encouraging people to “just vote” hurts those of us working our hineys off for Democrats to win these municipal and school board races.

I am going to type this very slowly so the Just Vote Clowns can read it.

The fact that not many people show up for local elections is to Democrats’ benefit.  We always have less money than the Republicans.  All we have to do is give our people a reason to vote and then get them to the polls.  Low turnout is your best tool.  It.  Helps.  You.

Shame doesn’t work.  Saying, “vote or you can’t complain” is damn silly because, oddly enough, there is no law against complaining.  I’m not saying that the Legislature shouldn’t pass one.  I’m just saying that until they do, you sound like an idiot when you say that.

Numero Uno:  You have to give our base a reason to vote.  Even saying “Vote for Mary Brown” doesn’t cut it.  When you are trying to win, you say, “Vote for Mary Brown because those sumbitches running against her have sold out to developers / want to destroy public education / are lower than a snake’s belly in a gully / she will fight hard to keep the dump out of your backyard / is the only candidate to oppose toll roads.”  I don’t care what you say, but you have to say something to make them inspired or mad, and mad is a helluva lot easier.  Mad people vote.

Our phone bankers in the last election called the Democratic base said, “Hi, I’m Cletus and I’m a proud Democrat.  Democrats are voting for Mary Brown because she has promised to ….” And here’s where you tell them something specific that’s important to them personally.  You cannot say “because she is nice.”  Tell them about the dump, that the opponent is part of the religious right who want to take education backwards, or, hell, that we want a Democrat on city council to greet the President if he comes to town.”

I know this is elementary school politics but you would not believe the Democrats telling people to just vote.   An uneducated voter – even a Democrat – at the polls is our worst enemy.  At least tell them who to vote for.  And if you can’t think of a good reason for voting for that candidate then maybe you’re backing the wrong candidate.

We have a frighteningly unstable Lyndon LaRouche candidate in my county who wins the Democratic primary because people have been told “just vote.”  She has a nice sounding African American name and she wins because of it.

One other thing.  And, golly damn gee, if there’s only one race on the ballot, having someone stand at the polling location to hand out push cards is dog dump dumb.  People showing up for that one race already know who they are going to vote for.  If you have exhibitionist volunteers who just have to stand in front of polls or on a damn street corner waving signs because getting honked at is ego-feeding, at least hand them a cell phone and call list.

Thank you.  I feel better.

That’s her story and she’s sticking to it.

Two friends out shopping stop by Starbucks for some energy.  Pamela Beck was standing at the counter, getting ready to pay for her latte and ….

As Beck went to put down her purse, it dropped, and the .25-caliber semi-automatic Titan handgun she had in there went off, said St. Petersburg police spokesman Mike Puetz. The bullet hit her friend, 38-year-old Amie Peterson, who was standing behind Beck in line.

And Beck’s story?  “Beck told police her father had given her the weapon, but she forgot which purse she had left it in before going shopping.”

She says she did not know she was carrying a gun.

I can buy that.  I’ve had purses that big before.  I’ve had moments of forgetfulness before, “Now where’d I put that gun and that elephant?”  I’ve even had friends I didn’t like all that much, but glory hallelujah when they all come together in one shining loud and bloody moment of Starbuck’s history, that’s an accomplishment.

And no, she did not have a concealed weapons permit.

I’m just relieved it happened in Florida, not Texas.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

Okay, customers, talk me down about being furious, angry, and really hacked off about the IRS targeting rightwing groups.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be foaming at the mouth.

Plus, the last damn thing we need to be doing is giving those idiots any evidence that people should be scared about being targeted by the government.

They view themselves are martyrs already, dammit.

My friend Joy went up to Hempstead, Texas, this weekend.  That’s a city dangerously close to Houston and to me.  She was headed to a famous place called, seriously, Peckerwood Garden.   Before you make a comment about that, remember that Momma is watching.

On the way there, she passed the Pattison Area Volunteer Fire Department and out front was this sign.

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The flag on top is The Gadsden flag.  It wouldn’t stay still long enough for her to get a proper picture.

Joy figured that the sheep and goat thing at the bottom is probably correct.  Sheep follow along behind anybody without question.  Goats are mean things and have been known to traumatize people.  (And if you don’t click that last link, you’re missing something very cool.)

Yes, yes, I know the sheep and goat thing comes from Matthew 25 and is meant as a stab at people who aren’t Super DeLux Brand Christians.  But, if that’s what they mean, they are so screwed up because the Good Book says that those on the right will be told —

And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

Now when the hell has a Republican ever done that?  No, seriously, tell me when.

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Now you wanna tell me where it says to cut health care, arm everybody with assault weapons, hate gay people, deny public education, or cut veteran’s benefits or Medicare?

Show me that part, you asinine sheep.

Thanks to Joy for the picture and the heads up.