Archive for April, 2013

You’ll Be Happy To Know That The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. is NOT Owned By The Trib Corp

April 22, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

The Koch Brothers, unsuccessful in trying to buy an election, is now trying to buy the news media.

Those handsome devils are in the newspaper buying bidness now.

Now, Koch Industries, the sprawling private company of which Charles G. Koch serves as chairman and chief executive, is exploring a bid to buy the Tribune Company’s eight regional newspapers, including The Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Baltimore Sun, The Orlando Sentinel and The Hartford Courant.

That pretty much leaves us, the Mexia Herald, and New Ulm Daily News and Recipe Journal as the last remaining vestiges of news not owned by crazy rightwingers.  We’re holding out, y’all.  Thelma is managing the books and she says that through our strong investments in velvet Elvis paintings and push-up bras, we can maintain publication for oh, I dunno, a decade or more.

We imagine that once the Koch brothers own everything in print, Glen Beck will become the voice of moderation.  This is bad news for Verdelia’s digestive problems.  In a disgusting display of operant conditioning, she upchucks every time she hears his name.

Thanks to Rick for the heads up.

But Then You Have to Raise Money for Ammo and Lawyers at the Lincoln Day Dinner

April 21, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Thank you, Arkansas Republicans, for making Louie Gohmert look sane.

The Benton County Republican Party Newsletter (who knew they could read?) says —

“We need to let those who will come in the future to represent us [know] that we are serious. The 2nd amendment means nothing unless those in power believe you would have no problem simply walking up and shooting them if they got too far out of line and stopped responding as representatives.”

No, seriously.

But at least he did say, “I don’t feel the same way about the Democrats as bullet backstops as I do about the Republicans who joined them.”   Phew, that makes a lot of Democrats feel better.

They also say in that same newsletter …

I am very excited to announce confirmation of Governor Nikki R. Haley from South Carolina will be our guest speaker at our Lincoln Day Dinner Event on Monday, May 13, 2013.

Gee, I hope Nikki doesn’t hack them off, but somebody ought to warn hr just the same.

Yesterday in Guns

April 21, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

First, in South Texas, Mr. Show Off showed off, shooting himself in the head  …

The incident happened just after two Saturday morning. According to police, the man was with his friends at the Aloha Men’s Club, when the victim got a gun from his friend. As they were leaving, the man pulled the gun out to show it off and that’s when the gun went off.

Then the police chief in Medina, Ohio, shot himself in the thigh.

Chief Berarducci was holstering his Smith & Wesson .40 caliber Shield handgun when the trigger guard got caught and discharged a round into his upper thigh.

Which is exactly why I am not buying one of these.    You can bet that some damfool woman is gonna blow her ta-tas all the way to Oklahoma with this little dohickey.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

Come To Texas! We Are Better for Business!

April 20, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Meanwhile, in the Texan business community …

Well, come to find out, the West Fertilizer Company lied to the EPA.

The fertilizer plant that exploded Wednesday night in West, Texas, reported to the Environmental Protection Agency and local public safety officials that it presented no risk of fire or explosion, documents show.

West Fertilizer Co. reported having as much as 54,000 pounds of anhydrous ammonia on hand in an emergency planning report required of facilities that use toxic or hazardous chemicals.

But the report, reviewed Wednesday night by The Dallas Morning News, stated “no” under fire or explosive risks. The worst possible scenario, the report said, would be a 10-minute release of ammonia gas that would kill or injure no one.

So the volunteer firefighters at the burning plant had no idea what they were dealing with.  Because it’s easy to lie in Texas.  All ya gotta do is check a box.

And why would they lie?  They were storing 1,350 times the amount of ammonium nitrate that would normally trigger safety oversight by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS).  They didn’t want EPA or the DHS in their business.  That might cost them time and money.

We all know how Rick Perry feels about the EPA, don’t we?  He thinks it’s sole goal is to kill jobs.

“Somebody has to tell the E.P.A. that we don’t need you monkeying around and fiddling around and getting in our business with every kind of regulation you can dream up,” he said. “You’re doing nothing more than killing jobs. It’s a cemetery for jobs at the E.P.A.”

So, Rick Perry handed us this mushroom cloud on a silver platter.

I cannot wait to hear hear him and Ron Paul explain how the market forces will correct this.  The company will declare bankruptcy, its owners will keep their money and the injured people will hold bake sales to pay their medical bills.  That’s what we call “Business Friendly” in Texas.

But now Rick Perry, John Cornyn and Ted Cruz just love the Federal Government.  I tell you what, I would buy Chris Christie an airplane ticket if he would come down to West, Texas, and shake his finger in Ted Cruz’s face.    Cruz voted against aid for New Jersey but now wants aid for Texas.

They can all kiss my big blue butt.

I Can Think Of Better Things

April 20, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

George Dubya Bush says that he’s like to see his brother Jeb run for President.

Now I know you’re thinking, “I would, too, Bro!  Hillary 2016!”

But, ponder for a moment about a third Bush presidency.  Liz Cheney as Vice President, two or three unemployed Bush children as cabinet members, and a war in Costa Rica to get even for the Boston bombing.  That’s something to look forward to.

Let me tell you things I’d rather see than another Bush presidency.

1.  John Boehner nakkid

2.  My brain ooze out my ears

3.  One of those Hoarder people move in next door

4.  Catwoman, the movie

5.  An evening with your neighbor’s kid’s hard rock garage band

6.  Being forced to hear the details of an Ann Coulter / Franklin Graham love affair

7.  A Pawn Stars marathon

8.  Sean Hannity anywhere anytime anyhow

9. Being forced on a Ted Cruz Holiday Cruise

10.  The Louie Gohmert Louiepalooza Concert featuring Ted Nugent and enough firepower to level Vermont

Thanks to Frank for the heads up.

Thank You, North Carolina, For Weighing In On the Republican Dope Scale

April 20, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

North Carolina State Senator Tommy Tucker (the name alone ought to give you pause before you read more) was on a roll last week.

The very white and the very male Tommy Tucker was singing for his supper last week and the main course turned out to be a steaming bowl of government secrecy. That’s how you know that Republicans are involved – secrecy.

State Governments have to publish notifications in newspapers of certain meetings where screwing the public is being discussed.  That way we can know who the screwers are.  Tommy Tucker is one of them.

Tommy Tucker wants to take the public notices out of newspapers and print them only on governmental websites.  You know, under the control of the very people to want to screw us. Tommy Tucker says it’ll save us money.  Yeah, well, so would not paying Tommy Tucker a salary.

So, a newspaper publisher came to speak against the bill.  Because the publisher was using unfair tactics like logic and facts, Tommy Tucker needed a response.  He had a great one.

“I am the senator. You are the citizen. You need to be quiet.”

Well, there ya go.  King George the Third must be prancing all over heaven, screaming, “I was right!  I was right!”

Thanks to Norma for the heads up.

Read more here: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2013/04/16/3986274/move-is-afoot-to-make-government.html#storylink=cpy