Republicans in Missouri have stumbled into the Land of Late Night Talk Radio.

It started innocently enough.

Melissa Wilson, the lovely bride of Republican state Rep. Kenneth Wilson, heard about a United Nations initiative called Agenda 21, which Republicans believe is a conspiracy to use a mind-control tactic called the Delphi technique to turn the United States of America into a socialist state where you are required to be nakkid on the back porch every Tuesday morning.  Okay, so I made up the nakkid part but I had you going there, didn’t I?

Now I’m taking this straight from the Agenda 21 Scaresite.

Glenn Beck sounded the alarm last year, claiming that the term “sustainable development” is actually code for “centralized control over all of human life on planet Earth.” The ultra-conservative John Birch Society drafted a resolution for the upcoming Republican National Convention in opposition to Agenda 21, calling it “a comprehensive plan of extreme environmentalism, social engineering, and global political control.”

UN Agenda 21 – Coming to a Town near You!

The International Leftists are working to take away your rights, and your freedoms, as individuals through a policy known as Agenda 21. The politicians at the federal level, state level, and local level have just about all bought into this devious international plot to destroy American sovereignty.

Yeah, so nakkid on the back porch is pretty tame.

So Melissa got her husband Ken all frisky over this outrage (outrage passes for foreplay in Republican households) and she got Ken blubbering and sputtering over how the UN was a’comin’ to take his guns and it’s a pretty well-known fact that Republican men can’t even get frisky without their guns nearby to remind them what it looks like.

Anyway, I’m getting to the point here in a minute.

Since we know that crazzzy is contagious among Republicans, Ken got all his fellow state Republicans running around in a frenzy of outrage so they up and decided to stop issuing driver’s license.

Yeah, driver’s licenses.

I know you’re trying to make the connection between the United Nations and driver’s licenses.  Don’t venture there alone because you might hurt your thinking mechanism.  Let me guide you.

The 2005 federal Real ID Act requires states to retain a database of scanned documents for verifying identity. Missouri appeared to be the only state where the license bureau was charged with printing concealed carry permits, either on driver’s licenses or as a separate document.

But lawmakers have recently become increasingly concerned that gun records would be shared with federal officials to create a gun registry that could lead to confiscations.

So, if Glen Beck tells you that there’s a secret government ID on the sole of your foot, the solution is to shoot yourself in the head.

Now, I’d like to suggest some mind control of my own.  If you live in Missouri, and God love ya if you do, go on over to the driver’s license bureau and find every 16 year old waiting in line on his birthday to get his long awaited driver’s license.  Tell him that there will be no driver’s license today because Glen Beck is ordering Republicans to keep him off the street simply because some some Republican wife needs her husband to be frisky.

Now, right there, right then you have a Democrat for life.

Personally, I think this whole thing is a conspiracy to do away with driver’s licenses so that drunks and blind Republicans can drive in Missouri.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Thanks to Mike for the heads up.

Out of the clear blue, with no warning or whispers at all, the Texas House took the first step to do away with the state lottery today.

In an outcome that left many House members stunned, a bill to continue the Texas Lottery Commission failed on Tuesday, potentially abolishing scratch-off tickets, charity bingo and other popular games of chance and blowing a new hole in the state budget.

The House voted 65-81 on House Bill 2197 which would have continued the functions of the Texas Lottery Commission. The vote reflected a growing sentiment among House members that the lottery unfairly preys on the state’s low-income residents.

This, however, means that we’ll now have a $2.2 billion hole in the Texas budget.

I understand that the lottery preys on the poor and is a tax on people who are bad at math.  But, last year $963 million was transferred to the Foundation School Account. Another $8.1 million was transferred to the Texas Veterans Commission.

So, we’re still hurting the least powerful among us.  And if you think Rick Perry is going to ask the super rich or corporations to make up that loss, you’re doing drugs.  Lotsa drugs.

By the way, they will also do away with VFW Bingo night and bingo at Catholic churches.  This will not be good news to small towns with VFW halls.  I suspect we’ll start betting on dominoes.

Never mind.  http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/2013/04/house-votes-against-continuing-state-lottery.html/

It appears that Elizabeth Colbert Busch has widen her lead against Mark Sanford.

I guess Ole Sanford can put on his hiking boots again. He’s sitting there like a painted lady at a prayer meeting hoping like hell that the choir won’t notice he’s drunk.

This one is worth winning just to hear Sanford explain his loss.

Our head manicurist, Thelma, has had it up to here, and she is ready to bump heads with Rick Perry.

My money is on Thelma.

Rick Perry has announced in the wake of the bomb that went off in West, Texas, that what Texas really needs is less regulation.  Yes, you read that right.  And unless I made a typo, it says LESS.

Yeah, that’s what caused that explosion – too much regulation and not near enough job creation.  However, I do think funeral homes, flower shops and hospitals did quite well.

Several experts believe that had knowledgeable authorities known that 270 tons of ammonium nitrate was stored at a facility so close to school and residences, it would have triggered inspections to see whether the material was safely stored and secured.

But it didn’t trigger inspections because the owners of the facility didn’t report it.  All that reporting would have created at least one other job and these job creators can’t be expected to create more jobs when profit is the whole point, you know.

So, Texas now has both Rick Perry and Tea Party Darling Attorney General  Greg Abbott in West, Texas, campaigning against each other while standing on rubble, arguing over who thinks rubble is prettier and, dammit, we need more of it.

And amid all this, Texas Democrats have two folks running for Governor – diddle and squat.  We are trying to plow around the stump again.

I heard the other day that someone was starting a Draft Bill White campaign, the former Mayor of Houston and practiced loser.  Well hell, just check me in at the Nutcracker Suite and put me out of my misery.  I know I’m gonna hack off a lot of my Democratic friends but until Bill White gets a glitter enema, stops trying to run as a closet Republican, and releases his damn tax returns, the fat lady is starting on the third verse.   His last campaign against Rick Perry was the most pathetic thing I’ve seen since Elvis died.

Then I heard that Kinky Friedman was gonna run as a Democrat.  My dog Truman is smarter than Kinky Friedman and a helluva lot better lookin’.  Hell, Truman asleep with mange would still be smarter and better lookin’ than Kinky.  Plus, Truman knows four tricks, which is 3 more than Rick Perry knows.

And then there’s Thelma, Texas’ only 300 pound skinny jean wearing manicurist.  Thelma is a high school graduate and a certified notary public.  Not only that, but if the Gov Shack burns down again, she doesn’t need any $10,000 a month mansion rental.  She comes complete with her own travel trailer.  That makes her the most qualified person in this race.  And did I mention that she has big hair?  Real big hair.

And Thelma thinks that anything within spittin’ distance of a school should be regulated as all get-out.  Thelma says, “You cannot trust crony capitalists, horse thieves, people who talk about Jesus way too much, and ping pong players.”  I do not know what Thelma has against ping pong players but I bet it’s a good story.

So, if Democrats can’t come up with something better than Kinky Friedman and Bill White, Thelma is in.

Mark Sanford took out a full page ad in the Charleston newspaper to explain trespassing on his wife’s property.

Apparently, it’s Nancy Pelosi’s fault.

I love how he explains that he had the lowest Governor’s traveling expenses in 30 years and his were half what his predecessor’s was.  Yeah, but his predecessor didn’t use his state travel expenses to go to South America to play sparkin’ with his girlfriend.  That is probably Hillary Clinton’s fault.

He commits damn sacrilege in the last paragraph, quoting William B Travis from the Alamo and claiming him as South Carolinian.  I know William B Travis.  William B Travis is a hero of mine.  Sir, you are no William B Travis.  Col. William B Travis would rather die in Texas than live in South Carolina.

Then he compares Democrats to Santa Anna.  No, Honey, Santa Anna got caught while boinkin’ his girlfriend.  You are Santa Anna.

A full page ad.  Really?  If you can’t explain your behavior in one sentence and not blame Nancy Pelosi, then don’t do it.  That’s a good rule for life.

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.

Dudley Doright and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have saved Sweet Nell Fenwick at last!

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are expected to announce Monday afternoon that Canadian law enforcement officials have “thwarted a plot to carry out a major terrorist attack, arresting suspects in Ontario and Quebec,” the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation reported.

Well done, Mounties.  I’m glad you always get your man.

I guess Ole Louie Gohmert is disappointed that instead of disguising themselves as Mexicans, terrorists are disguising themselves as Canadians.

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