Ted “Carnival” Cruz (adrift, lost, and full of crap) fancies himself the President of these here United Damn States of America, partner, and if you got a problem with that then you’re a damn communist.

He’s been in Washington only three months, but U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is already planning a pilgrimage to a critical presidential primary state. The outspoken Cruz, a conservative attorney who has sprinted headlong into the Washington media spotlight since his election last November, will be the keynote speaker at the South Carolina Republican Party’s Silver Elephant Dinner, CNN has learned.

So he’s going to South Carolina to test the waters.  That is so damn exciting that I have to put rocks in my shoes to keep from flying.

He doesn’t have to run.  He just has to act like he’s running.  Can you even imagine a hair pulling match between Cruz and Rick Perry over who gets to be the next President from Texas?

I’m trying to get the popcorn concession!  Cruz makes Michele Bachmann look level headed.

This is the most promising development since Rand Paul got a hairpiece and tested the waters himself.

Well, yesterday we heard some either drug or ignorance induced chatter from the Chair of the Georgia Republican Party about gay people.

Today Georgia weighs in on guns.

The Nelson, Georgia city council has met and come up with this —

The Nelson City Council voted 5-0 Monday night to require every household to have a gun and ammunition, unless the residents of the household opt out.

But the new ordinance includes a lot of exemptions, including people with a physical or mental disability, convicted felons and people who conscientiously oppose gun ownership.

I think the key word here is conscientiously.

And I have one question:  who is going to come into my house to check to see that I have the required weapon and ammo?  A government agent?  Joe Bob the crazy city councilman?

In other news, the Nelson City Council reports the theft of their thinking hats.

Thanks to Lindy for the heads up.

Republican Congressvarmint Lou Barletta of Pennsylvania didn’t get the memo from headquarters  that Republicans should tone it down about Hispanics.

Not content to let Alaska congressfool Don Young stand alone in stark bigotry, Barletta weighed in on immigration.

“Why are we even talking about a pathway to citizenship when our borders aren’t even close to being secure?” Barletta told The New York Times during a discussion on possible outcomes of the immigration reform debate currently taking place in Washington.

“Let’s not take on any more water on this sinking ship,” he said. “Let’s patch the holes. Then we’ll decide what do we do with all this water that’s here.”

Cheeezzzz … that made “wetback” seem positively moderate.

With every study saying that a path to citizenship would spur economic development, Barletta stands in a pile of manure complaining about the rain.

Thanks to EMoon for the heads up.

Okay, I wrote five stories today about crazy crap happening in our country, but the best one didn’t happen until tonight.

Pat Robertson announced today that God does not waste miracles on educated people.

A caller to Robertson’s teevee show asked how come miracles only happen in Africa, not here in the god-fearing and deserving US of A?

“People overseas didn’t go to Ivy League schools,” the TV preacher laughed. “We’re so sophisticated, we think we’ve got everything figured out. We know about evolution, we know about Darwin, we know about all these things that says God isn’t real.”

We have been inundated with skepticism and secularism,” he conintued. “And overseas, they’re simple, humble. You tell ‘em God loves ‘em and they say, ‘Okay, he loves me.’ You say God will do miracles and they say, ‘Okay, we believe him.’”

And that’s what God’s looking for. That’s why they have miracles

And that, my friends, explains the Republican education plan.

Thanks to MaryLou for the heads up
.

Gay people must be very different in Georgia than they are everywhere else in the world.

Being gay in Georgia must be a genetic condition that also makes you likely to cause straight people to lie to the state and cheat.

According the Republican Party Chairman in Georgia, Sue Everhart, if you allow gay couples to marry, then straight couple will pretend to be gay so that they can pretend to get married to get marriage benefits.  Seriously.

Look, this is like trying to explain Chinese algebra in French to people who speak Spanish.  I’ll just let Ms. Everhart try.

“You may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow,” Everhart said. “Say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. I mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you’re gay, and y’all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits?

Ms. Everhart doesn’t expand on what would keep that from happening between two straight people right now.  Maybe  gay people have mind control over straight people in Georgia.  I dunno.  I mean, you gotta admit, it’s Georgia so it wouldn’t take much.

Ms. Everhart also lacks basic biology.

“Lord, I’m going to get in trouble over this, but it is not natural for two women or two men to be married,” Everhart said. “If it was natural, they would have the equipment to have a sexual relationship.”

I’m gonna venture out there and suggest that Ms. Everhart doesn’t know much about hoochy-koochy.

Ms. Everhart cautions that she does not hate the gays.  No, siree.  She doesn’t not.  But, she is a cautious woman:

“I’m not saying that we ostracize them or anything like that. I’m just saying I’m against marriage because once you get the gay marriage you get everything else.”

Like a pony?  You mean a pony?  That’s very cool.

Personally, I’ve always wanted everything else.

Thanks to Bob for the heads up.

I know that everybody’s gonna think this is an April Fool’s joke.  It is not.  This is a Ted Cruz is a Joke.

Listen up:  if we get expansion of medicaid under Obamacare in Texas, violent prisoners will get out of jail and kill you. That day.

Ted Cruz

So if you think it’s important for the state to continue spending on public education, you should be glad that the state is not signing on to Medicaid expansion. If you want state funds to provide for our prisons and law enforcement to incarcerate violent criminals and keep them off the streets you should be glad we’re not signing up for this Medicaid expansion ….

There are 1.5 million Texans without health insurance but Ted Cruz thinks the 10% that the state will pay to help those people get healthcare will cause us to have to open the prison doors and throw our children and grandmothers at the marauding herds to protect our lives the sky is falling the sky is falling.

Study after study has shown the Obamacare will provide “substantial economic stimulus” in Texas.

How’s that for merchant of hate and fear?

Y’all, I am being totally serious.  This man has mental health issues.  Some of them don’t even have names yet.

Thanks to Brian C for the heads up.