The Rick Perry 2012 Presidential Campaign, which lasted about as long as it takes a bullwhip to snap, still has $387,000 in cash on hand.

The most recent expenditures are….

I suspect that the remaining funds will be spent on tissues for Bob Perry’s funeral because Rick will be crying more than an onion chopper in a  Cajun restaurant.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

As you’ve probably heard by now, Swiftboater Bob Perry is standing before God this morning trying to explain why the millions he earned building substandard housing on the backs of undocumented and minimum wage workers was spent lying about people and trying to make life harder for children and old people.

It’s gonna be a long day for him because this afternoon he’s got to explain how a man claiming oh so loudly to be a Christian can be so damn mean to God’s children.

People are asking me what’s gonna happen now.  Because, as is well known, I have a crystal ball.  So Madam Swami Juanita is guessing —

1.  Karl Rove will starve to death.  Like a lion raised in captivity, he has no idea how to forage for himself.

2.  I know a couple of Bob Perry’s children.  There is fixing to be a boom in the Texas alcoholic beverage business and brat will be redefined as a positive characteristic.

3.  Texas Republicans are already hunting another pimp-daddy.  Rich men with no morals or ethics are overstocked in Texas.

4.  Bob Perry will not resurrect in three days, to the chagrin of Rick Perry (No relation.  Except for, you know, that money thing) who is whining and crying and slinging snot today.

5.  If you hear thunder today, it’s God saying, “Wrong answer, Bob!”

6.  Hell will be a little hotter by nightfall.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

I need to confess that I am not a NASCAR fan.  I don’t have anything against rednecks driving fast in circles, but I can see that for free in East Bernard after a VFW Dance when nobody can find their way out of the parking lot.

I believe that people go to NASCAR races to see a crash.  So when the NRA and NASCAR teamed up, fans were not disappointed.

A Texas man used a gun to commit suicide in the infield of a National Rifle Association-sponsored NASCAR race at the Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth late on Saturday, local authorities said.

Kirk Franklin, 42, of nearby Saginaw died after shooting himself at 10:30 p.m. on Saturday during the NRA 500 Sprint Cup race, according to the Tarrant County Medical Examiner.

NASCAR races with rednecks, beer, and guns is probably almost a good idea if you want to thin out the herd.

Otherwise, it sucks big time.

Meanwhile, in Memphis …

Police have arrested a Memphis man and his son after the father allegedly brandished an AK-47 at a fast-food restaurant when their order got messed up. The Commercial Appeal reports the incident happened on Thursday at Pirtle’s Chicken in Memphis.

Shocking, isn’t it?  Just shocking.  They were eating fried chicken in Memphis that was not from Gus’s?  Good thing they were armed because that’s a shooting offense in Memphis.

That’s like eating a McRib sandwich instead of Corky’s wet rub rib plate. Or dry rub.  It hardly matters.

Personally, I follow the gourmet rule that if you can buy it through a window in your car, don’t eat it.

If their lawyer needs a witness, I would be happy to testify under oath that eating at Pirtle’s is prima facia proof of insanity.  After all, somebody has to stand up for important things in the south.

Thanks to Hilary for the heads up.

You know, if this country didn’t have the Bible Belt, sin and wickedness would reign all over the land.

Two high-ranking officials at the state Department of Agriculture resigned after hosting a drunken party during a government-funded training session and then going skinny dipping with several employees, according to an investigation released Wednesday.

Chief Operating Officer Billy Skaggs and Oscar Garrison, director of the food safety division, both resigned March 30. Several others were disciplined for their conduct during the Sept. 17 incident.

Well hell, Billy Bob, food inspection is a high pressure job and if ya can’t get nakkid and party every now and then, what’s the use of having a government job?

Oscar and Billy - Clothed

Now see, if this had happened in California, where they have banned Bibles and Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, then nobody would have said diddle squat.  But because it’s Georgia, Billy and Oscar got the publicity they needed to let the word out that they are party animals.

Is the Bible Belt great or what?

East Texas Republican State Rep (you know already that this is going to be good, right?) David Simpson does not want people touching him anywhere near his winkie, dammit.  He’s working on a perfect record of no winkie touching, dammit.

A contentious proposal to criminalize excessive touching by agents during airport security pat-downs returned Wednesday to the Texas Legislature, along with concerns that the federal government could ground all flights into and out of the state if it ever becomes law.

The poor man has a belly full of bedsprings not over the fact that we are still being searched at airports, but because that search might involve his winkie.  Which is like being nakkid.  Almost.

Simpson said his bill was more necessary than ever because traditional metal detectors at airports have increasingly been replaced by full-body scanners that “basically allow people to be viewed naked.” He said he and others who object to that now often have no choice but to endure pat-downs.

The poor boy has never had a mammogram, huh?   With a mammogram you get both.

Simpson says he knows that current Texas law does not allow groping or inappropriate touching by airport security screeners but he wants to talk about his winkie some more and this bill is a way he can do it.

He even gets to look at dirty pictures if he introduces this bill and, boy howdy!, he gets to share them with his fellow Republicans. He’s got a “packet” of pictures with airport security screeners doing things that he thinks are dirty.

Rep. Harvey Hilderbran, a Kerrville Republican, said of the security officials in the pictures Simpson provided, “some of them seem to be enjoying the groping.”

Yeah, the Texas House Republican Dirty Happenin’s Committee had to look at those pictures more than a dozen times to get the full impact before they went on to looking at the bras in the Sears catalog.

They got themselves worked into a lather and got to bill writin’ faster than a hiccup so they can share these pictures with their brethren on the House Committee on Have You Seen This?, Indignity Subcommittee.

Before you know it all that thinking about winkie patting and hooter rubbing just sucked the air plum out of the legislature and all that was left standing was State Representative David Simpson holding his winkie.  I do not know if this is a true story but it makes good tellin’.

By the way, in case you were wondering about this, he’s not only an East Texan, he’s a Baptist so he likes to talk about depravity a whole lot.

Thanks to UmptyDump for the heads up.