I want you to meet Elton.

He’s a real cutie.  But, he’s gay.

Up in Tennessee, Elton’s owner dropped him off at a pet shelter that euthanizes dogs.  The owner had proof that Elton was gay because he caught Elton humping another male dog.

In that case, my dog Truman is a human.  He is also a squeeky toy, and once or twice a particularity docile statue of a donkey in my backyard.

I can tell by the look in Elton’s eyes that he’s also a communist and a liberal television star.

Thelma suspects that Elton’s owner knew that Elton wasn’t gay but was just jealous because Elton humped the owner’s favorite dog to hump. And the dog liked Elton better.  Jealousy is a cruel mistress, Eton.

I am proud to announce that Elton found a loving home and can hump his life away in peace.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

I want on the NRA Enemy List and I am hoping like crazy that getting on it does not involve cold, dead hands or Charlton Heston movies because both of those things creep me out.

Yea, Buddy, the NRA has an Enemy List and those suckers post it right on their website.

There are about a gazillion names on it but some just kinda stand out.

The AARP.  Are you serious?  Honey, I will pit my walker, my oxygen tank, my cane, and a bottle of Centrum Silver that weighs about 10 pounds up against anything you got, Big Wayne.  I do not need an assault rifle; I’ve had so many X-Rays that I can kill you with radiation.

American Association for the Surgery of Trauma.  Now, I can understand you listing the American Academy of Pediatrics as an enemy, but you’d think a trauma surgeon would need the business you provide.

American Psychological Association.  Okay, this one I get.  I think they saw that crazy woman you brought to the hearing who claims that all women need scary-looking guns.  Dude, that was woo-wee-woo.

Congress of Neurological Surgeons.  Hope you guys never need a doctor.

League of Women Voters of the United States.  Or a date.

United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ, Paul Rabbi Menitaff, and United States Catholic Conference.  Or somebody to preach over your cold, dead hands.

Then comes Everybody in Hollywood, including Meryl Streep, The Temptations, Dick Van Dyke, and, Andy Williams, who has been dead for six months and I hope you had nothing to do with that.  I suspect you can retire his voo-doo doll.

Next comes Corporations, including  American Multi Cinemas Entertainment, Inc., Argosy Casino, Hallmark Cards, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals, Levi Strauss & Co., Sara Lee Corporation, the  St. Louis Rams, Stoneyfield Farms Yogurt, and Time Warner Inc.  No wonder you guys go to the firing range – that’s the only place you don’t have enemies.

And, of course, every Newspaper and Magazine in America, including, oddly, Motorcycle Cruiser Magazine and McCalls.

And, Mary Lou Retton.  Seriously.  And Cathy Rigby.  Have mercy, Oh Lord, on the souls who hate Mary Lou Retton and Cathy Rigby.

And, The Wife of Mike Meyers.

I’m sure you’ll find other names and perhaps your own.

Personally, I will pay them ten dollars cash American money in unmarked bills to get on their enemy list.  It means that much to me, and I am just not up for the gymnastic Olympic team.