Right here in my home county, the Republican primary got rid of the short, undereducated, bully guy who played politics instead of running a sheriff’s department.  The Republicans replaced him with a short, undereducated, bully guy who plays politics instead of running a sheriff’s department.

The only difference is that new guy is a veteran who has never seen combat and fancies himself a major national political figure and a constitutional scholar.  Well, he does have a degree from Jerry Falwall’s Liberty University, which does bestow upon its owners the right to be wrong.

The new sheriff, Troy Nehls, called the President of the United States and the Commander in Chief “that clown in Washington,” during the campaign.  So, in his mind, he figured that if Obama was a clown, he himself had a duty to be one, too.

So, on Friday he issued a press release —

The Sheriff’s Office is committed to respect  and defend all unalienable rights of the citizens of Fort Bend County

The Fort Bend County Sheriff’s Office has received several requests for a statement in response to recent attention and federal executive orders relating to the right to keep and bear arms. Please accept this press release as a response in both my personal capacity and in my capacity as the Sheriff of Fort Bend County.

I have spent my career serving in law enforcement and with the United States Armed Forces for the purpose of protecting the liberties and freedoms we enjoy in our great land. With respect to the Second Amendment to the Constitution, my position is that the right to self-defense is an unalienable right and it includes the right to possess firearms, a position confirmed by the United States Supreme Court in 2008.

Please note that the duties of the Fort Bend County Sheriff’s Office include preserving the peace and fairly enforcing the laws of the State of Texas. Executive orders from the President of the United States directed to members of the federal executive branch are not applicable to a Texas official.

May God bless and protect you, the State of Texas, and the United States of America.

Very truly yours,
Troy E. Nehls

Sheriff, Fort Bend County

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I hardly know where to start, but start I will.

I guess I need to explain that unalienable is a term used by those who think Thomas Jefferson did not know how to spell crap properly.

And, self defense is neither an inalienable or unalienable right, nor does it even appear in the Bill of Rights.  Self defense is statutory and there are many limits on that.  For example, you do not have the right to use a firearm for self defense unless you believe deadly force is going to be used against you.  If somebody half your size comes after you with a wet noodle, you cannot shoot them to defend yourself.

And … we put limits on many methods that people may chose to exercise self-defense.  You can’t possess a switchblade knife, brass knuckles, or a sawed off shotgun.  You can’t possess a nuclear weapon, even if it’s just a small little tiny tactical one.  I don’t think you can possess a flame thrower unless you are a circus performer or something, which our new sheriff may well be so I’ll leave that alone for now.  Without a CLE, there are many regulations  to possess even a handgun.

When Sheriff Law Professor talks about the United States Supreme Court in 2008, it’s clownishly apparent he hasn’t read the case he’s trotting out to ring 1 of this circus.  In D.C. vs Heller, a 5 to 4 decision, even Justice Scalia argues …

Although we do not undertake an exhaustive historical analysis today of the full scope of the Second Amendment, nothing in our opinion should be taken to cast doubt on longstanding prohibitions on the possession of firearms by felons and the mentally ill, or laws forbidding the carrying of firearms in sensitive places such as schools and government buildings, or laws imposing conditions and qualifications on the commercial sale of arms.

Hummmm … that doesn’t sound inalienable to me.  And Heller in no way says that you can’t place governmental restriction on firearms.

I guess our sheriff heard something on Rush Limbaugh about some case in 2008 and decided it said that we had a sacrosanct right to any weapon we want.  Honey, that’s the clown leading the clown.

So now that we have filled two rings of this three ring press release circus, it’s time to move on to Mr. Nehl’s belief that “Executive orders from the President of the United States directed to members of the federal executive branch are not applicable to a Texas official.”

Well, I suspect that even the High Sheriff of Fort Damn Bend County will stand up when the President of the United States enters a room.  And, if the FBI comes into my county and seizes a large stash of heavy artillery in the hands of a gun runner, I do not want my sheriff standing there defending the gun runners.

President Barack Obama is not trying to take away your guns.  He is trying to keep assault weapons out of the hands of criminals and insane people.  Well, and clowns.  I forgot about the clowns part.

Sheriff, your argument would be a lot stronger if you could tell me how many shootings occurred in Fort Bend County over the past 5 years and how many of those were ruled self defense.  If the second number outweigh the first number, you can take off your big ole clown shoes.  If it doesn’t, you have to wear a big clown nose.

I am also wondering which ones of the 20 gazillion Executive Orders that George Bush issued would the sheriff not enforce?  And when we have our next hurricane and the President issues emergency executive orders for my county will the sheriff meet them at the county line to stop them with a big clown nose?

The sheriff needs to stop playing politics and get to policing.  People around here are already calling him Little Joe (Arpaio), and not in a good way.

On the upside, it’s Republicans talking – how did Bobby Jindal so gently put it? – stupid, that keeps getting Democrats elected President.

Harold Cook and his Letters From Texas are going to hell.

Here’s your Friday laugh your butt off read.  It’s work safe.

(Momma, do not click that link.  It’s work safe but I do not want to have to explain it to you.)

I want you to meet Elton.

He’s a real cutie.  But, he’s gay.

Up in Tennessee, Elton’s owner dropped him off at a pet shelter that euthanizes dogs.  The owner had proof that Elton was gay because he caught Elton humping another male dog.

In that case, my dog Truman is a human.  He is also a squeeky toy, and once or twice a particularity docile statue of a donkey in my backyard.

I can tell by the look in Elton’s eyes that he’s also a communist and a liberal television star.

Thelma suspects that Elton’s owner knew that Elton wasn’t gay but was just jealous because Elton humped the owner’s favorite dog to hump. And the dog liked Elton better.  Jealousy is a cruel mistress, Eton.

I am proud to announce that Elton found a loving home and can hump his life away in peace.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

I want on the NRA Enemy List and I am hoping like crazy that getting on it does not involve cold, dead hands or Charlton Heston movies because both of those things creep me out.

Yea, Buddy, the NRA has an Enemy List and those suckers post it right on their website.

There are about a gazillion names on it but some just kinda stand out.

The AARP.  Are you serious?  Honey, I will pit my walker, my oxygen tank, my cane, and a bottle of Centrum Silver that weighs about 10 pounds up against anything you got, Big Wayne.  I do not need an assault rifle; I’ve had so many X-Rays that I can kill you with radiation.

American Association for the Surgery of Trauma.  Now, I can understand you listing the American Academy of Pediatrics as an enemy, but you’d think a trauma surgeon would need the business you provide.

American Psychological Association.  Okay, this one I get.  I think they saw that crazy woman you brought to the hearing who claims that all women need scary-looking guns.  Dude, that was woo-wee-woo.

Congress of Neurological Surgeons.  Hope you guys never need a doctor.

League of Women Voters of the United States.  Or a date.

United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ, Paul Rabbi Menitaff, and United States Catholic Conference.  Or somebody to preach over your cold, dead hands.

Then comes Everybody in Hollywood, including Meryl Streep, The Temptations, Dick Van Dyke, and, Andy Williams, who has been dead for six months and I hope you had nothing to do with that.  I suspect you can retire his voo-doo doll.

Next comes Corporations, including  American Multi Cinemas Entertainment, Inc., Argosy Casino, Hallmark Cards, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals, Levi Strauss & Co., Sara Lee Corporation, the  St. Louis Rams, Stoneyfield Farms Yogurt, and Time Warner Inc.  No wonder you guys go to the firing range – that’s the only place you don’t have enemies.

And, of course, every Newspaper and Magazine in America, including, oddly, Motorcycle Cruiser Magazine and McCalls.

And, Mary Lou Retton.  Seriously.  And Cathy Rigby.  Have mercy, Oh Lord, on the souls who hate Mary Lou Retton and Cathy Rigby.

And, The Wife of Mike Meyers.

I’m sure you’ll find other names and perhaps your own.

Personally, I will pay them ten dollars cash American money in unmarked bills to get on their enemy list.  It means that much to me, and I am just not up for the gymnastic Olympic team.

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