Not to be outdone by the nakkid Catholic priest with a laptop, the Baptists cued up their best shot in the Hypocrite Olympics.

Pastor Jack wrote the book on it.

Jack Schaap, a pastor at First Baptist Church of Hammond, Ind., who admitted to having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old member of the church, was fired on Wednesday, according to CBS Chicago, citing officials from the church.

At a meeting with congregants Wednesday night, church officials revealed that Schaap, 54, was being investigated for misconduct with a 17-year-old girl.

Except, she’s not 17, she’s 16.  Now, this ain’t your regular little ole corner neighborhood church, my friends.

This is Super Mega Baptist Church with with Sunday morning services broadcast on the electric teevee set all across America.  I’m coming real close to saying that this is exactly what happens when you don’t talk about sex too much.

There’s a cherry on top of this Sundae – Jack Schaap is an accomplished writer of Christian books, including some tasty titles like, Dating with a Purpose: Common Sense Dating Principles for Couples, Parents, and Youth Workers, Opening the Door to the Unclean Spirits, and Marriage: The Divine Intimacy.

His website is scrubbed clean.

Maybe he and the priest can share a cell at the pokey.  Yes, I said pokey.

Thanks to Stephen for the heads up.

Beeville, Texas, is between San Antonio and Corpus Christi.  That means it rests securely between St. Anthony and the Body of Christ, which is probably a cool place to be.

And now we have proof.

Eighty-year-old Ernesto Garza opened his taco and Holy Beejeebers, there’s this.

“I looked at it for five minutes,” Garza said.

In disbelief, he asked a friend next to him what she thought the face on the tortilla looked like. Garza’s friend looked at it and jumped from her seat.

“Jesus,” she said.

It wasn’t long before everyone at the adult daycare heard about the Jesus tortilla.

You know, I suspect Taco Jesus would spread from here to over yonder quicker than a minnow can swim a dipper.

And in the understatement of the year …

Sure enough, she said, Garza found Jesus on his breakfast bacon and egg taco.

“We believe God works in mysterious ways,” Rodriguez said.

Yeah, personally, I always thought God was an enchilada fan.

Thank to HeyZeus for the heads up.

Louisiana, home of Bourbon Street, has decided to crack down on floozy women.

And their starting place is Delhi Charter School in Delhi, Louisiana.  The school has decided that …

If an administrator or teacher suspects a student is pregnant, a parent conference will be held. The school reserves the right to require any female student to take a pregnancy test to confirm whether or not the suspected student is in fact pregnant. The school further reserves the right to refer the suspected student to a physician of its choice. If the test indicates that the student is pregnant, the student will not be permitted to attend classes on the campus of Delhi Charter School.

Any student who is suspected of being pregnant and who refuses to submit to a pregnancy test shall be treated as a pregnant student.

Not to be a grammar nut or anything, and this is certainly the most least of my thoughts about this stuff, but exactly what does the Delhi School mean by “suspected student?”  I mean, if they are there and going to class and registered and all, what suspicion is involved with the definition of student? Huummmm … let’s see, you show up every day, take the tests, your name is on the roll, you call me ma’am, you do the homework assignments, you eat in the cafeteria … I suspect you’re a student?

And why does that suspected student have to go to the doctor the school chooses?  Why can’t they go to their own doctor?

But, and I know this is just a minor, picky thing, WHAT the fool hellfire tarnation are they doing randomly testing females for being pregnant?  And then, kicking them out?  Are they also kicking out the suspected student who is the other half of this operation?

Now, I scampered over to the Delhi Charter School’s website, which is pretty sad and crappy because they spend all their time worrying about pregnant suspected students instead of taking care of business.  However, they do have a 216 page policy manual.  That’s right, they cover everything from that to this —

They offer sex education?  Really, now?  I’ll bet that’s the shortest 5 minutes in all of Louisiana.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

In our semi-weekly look inside the clergy’s pants in America, we found today’s winner — Rev. Peter Petroske.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Detroit has indefinitely suspended the pastor of Sacred Heart Parish in Dearborn after he was arrested last week on suspicion of drunken driving.

According to the archdiocese, the Rev. Peter Petroske was not wearing any clothes when he was arrested.

A knowledgeable city source told the Free Press that Petroske was arrested in the early hours of Friday morning about a block from his church on Michigan Ave. in Dearborn, and had a laptop computer with him in the car.

Rev. Pete in a dress.

So, here’s Rev. Pete caught drunk with his pants down driving the streets of Michigan, which probably in itself is a misdemeanor.  But, the scary part is the comment by the parish spokesman, who said that the Rev was put on leave but added cryptically …

Archdiocese spokesman Joe Kohn said the leave is indefinite. He said he could not discuss the laptop but confirmed that Petroske was nude at the time of the arrest.

First off, if you’re driving down the street with your clothes off, you are not nude.  Nude is what Michelangelo’s statute of David is.  Nude is how you shower.  If you’re tooting around town in your birthday suit, you are buck nakkid.  There ain’t no nude  about that.

I do not know about you, but I am highly curious about the laptop.  If there is something about the laptop that cannot be discussed because it’s more embarrassing than a nakkid, drunk priest, I probably don’t want to know about it.  My bet is that he was watching Pat Robertson videos.

Thanks to Carl for the heads-up.

The Koch Brothers, who rank about even with the Winklevoss Twins when it comes to Haughty Fraternal Goofiness, are attacking Zach Galifianakis like he was a real political figure.

Well, I had no intention of seeing The Campaign until all of a sudden the Koch brothers spokesman found it necessary to attack Zach by saying that he is “a guy who makes obscene gestures with a monkey.”

Well, yeah.

And Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney but Mitt didn’t fill the need to seriously respond that she does what the monkey gestures.  In public.  Very often.

Zach Galifianakis gets the Koch Brothers so insulted that they send out their highly paid professional paid press person to say very sarcastically, “Last we checked, the movie is a comedy.”  Well, yeah.  Honey, when you can do that, you suddenly become important in my mind.

And apparently the Koch Brothers are named the Motch Brothers in the movie.  So maybe I’ll go see it.  It must do a number on the Motch Koch Brothers.

Thanks to David for the heads up.

It seems to me that I learned something in junior high school about every action having an opposite and equal reaction.

I could be wrong because the energy money boys say that is not true.  Things have changed a lot since junior high school, so I figured that maybe Newton’s Law were repealed by congressional edict.

Apparently not, though.

Using newly available technology, a University of Texas seismologist tracking small earthquakes in the Barnett Shale play area of North Texas has found a correlation between geological disturbances and the sort of injection wells that are associated with hydraulic fracturing, according to research appearing this week in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Uh huh.  When you inject millions of gallons of water, sand, and God only knows what chemicals into the earth, something is gonna happen.  And it took a University of Texas scientist not on the payroll of the fracking industry to prove it.

But here’s the cool part.

“These small earthquakes aren’t hurting anybody,” Frohlich said. “People hear about a little earthquake and think you’re going to have Haiti or Japan. It’s like a storm: A magnitude 2.5 or 3 earthquake is fun. Maybe something falls off a shelf. It’s just that Texans are not used to earthquakes.”

Oh, wait.  You mean there’s such a thing as a fun earthquake?  I did not know that.  Is that like a fun hurricane?  You know, the kind with no wind and rain.

And I suspect that what is falling off the shelf has something to do with the fun quotient.  If it’s a bunch of slinkys, that might be cool.  I could watch that for a couple of hours.

Do you want to know why I live in Texas with 273 kind of snakes and 270 of them are poisonous, hurricanes that will move your entire house into another zipcode and sometimes 5 or 6 different zipcodes, drought that makes cracks in the ground so deep that if you put your ear to them you can hear Chinese people talking, politicians and oil refineries competing to see who can put more foul crap in the air, two of the Bushs, floods that make Noah’s look like a gully washer, it’s hot enough to melt diamonds, and the rest of the whole world thinks we’re all Rick Perry?  Do you want to know why I live here?  Because there’s no damn earthquakes, that’s why!

I do not want any damn earthquakes, fun or not.