John Boehner, bless his little orange heart.

“I’ve never been shy about leading. But you know, leaders need followers. And we’ve got 89 brand new members. We’ve got a pretty disparate caucus. It is hard to keep 218 frogs in a wheelbarrow long enough to get a bill passed.”

— House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), in an interview on This Week.

Frogs?  Really?  Ya think they’re a little jumpy about the November election, John?

Thanks to David for the heads-up.

Oh y’all, I am semi-convinced that God is snake biting Sarah Palin until she quits using his name in vain, which is pretty much every day with her moral superiority and tight leather dominatrix jackets.

In Texas, we have a hotly contested race for the Republican Senate seat between a Regular Money Grubbing Republican, David Dewhurst, and a Tea Party Republican, Ted Cruz.

Mike Huckabee endorsed Dewhurst and so Sarah Palin up and endorsed Cruz.  You know, like Texans should care what two pathetic losers from Alaska and Arkansas think about anydamnthing, much less who we should elect in Texas.

Like the gods sitting on the mountaintop throwing a bolt of lightning or two while watching the mere mortals stumble through life, Palin and Huckabee are having a showdownpaloooza in Texas.

They are both now doing robocalls for their favored candidate.  Huckabee has the upper hand, but only because he knows where Texas is.

According to the Topeka Capital-Journal’s Tim Carpenter, Palin’s recorded calls have been dispatched in Kansas. While the call begins with a cheerful “Hello, Texas!” greeting from Palin, Carpenter reported Sunday that he had received the message while at his office at the Topeka newspaper, hundreds of miles from the Lone Star State’s border.

I can see how she made that mistake.  I mean, both states end in the letter “s” and they both … well, I can’t think of anything else, but I am certain there are other similarities.

Long time customers will want to know that an original member of my band, Bitchin’ Betty and the Sequined Backhoes,” was elected a national delegate to the Democratic convention in September yesterday.

Fenway Fran opened a franchise in Washington State and was elected yesterday.  Fran plays the heavy metal marimba in the band.  Rumor has it that more of the Backhoes are running and even Betty Herownself is seeking to be elected a delegate.

Fran did a lot of undercover work for us among the local Republicans so the only picture I’m willing to publish of her is  at her Leaving Texas party.  Yes, we gave her a pink cowboy hat and a bottle of genuine Bitchin’ Betty wine.  Eat your heart out.

Hugs to Fran and somebody – please! – make her start updating her website to share her adventure with all of us.

If you’ve been following local Fort Bend County races, this will crack you into more pieces than Aunt Bessy’s two table jigsaw puzzle.

Craig Brady has taken campaign contributions from man convicted of a felony and other man who plead guilty to a felony.  The entire sheriffs department under Brady’s leadership has so much nepotism that its family tree doesn’t even fork.  And cronyism?  Oh dear God.  Craig Brady’s endorsement website is the cronyism capital of planet Earth.  Oh hell, I’ll even go with the universe.

So, you add up the three major problems with your own candidacy and claim that’s not you, that’s your opponent.

Grand idea.  You’re going to hell for it, but it’s a grand idea.

The signs are paid for by “Citizens for ethical government.”  The word Citizen is capitalized but the “ethical government” part is not.  That right there ought to tell you something or other.

Thanks to Bubba, who is gonna have to find another hobby other than political yard signs.

My granddaddy used to say that a literate man in Texas is one who knows the difference between a quote from Shakespeare and one from the Bible. If you throw in Ben Franklin and Sophocles, you obviously have a degree from Rice University.

That would not be Smokey Joe Barton.  You will remember Congressvarmint Barton as the Texas Republican who apologized to BP for our water messing up their oil.

Bless his heart, Joe claims to be a Super DeLux Brand Christian but, double bless his heart, he saw the movie version of the Bible.  And he proudly displayed that fact on the teevee.

Bashir: I know you’re a long time member of the Methodist Church. Is that correct?

Barton: Yes, sir. That’s a true statement.

Bashir: How do you square your approach with the Psalm 146, where the Psalmist writes this: “He gives food to the hungry. The lord protects foreigners. He defends orphans and widows.” Isn’t this the exact opposite of the cuts being proposed by Republicans in congress?

Barton: No, the lord helps those who helps themselves…

Bashir: Which verse of scripture is that, sir?

Barton: Well, it’s uh..

Bashir: I don’t think you’ll find that in the Old or New Testament.

Barton: Well, that was taught to me by my father who is president of the United Methodist school board in Waco Texas, and Bryan, Texas.

Oh dear.  I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve had the same argument with people who claim to be front row sitters at the church.  That statement is antithetical to everything – everydarnthing – taught in the New Testament.

Best I know, that statement goes back to Sophocles, who wrote, “No good e’er comes of leisure purposeless; And heaven ne’er helps the men who will not act.”  Sophocles died 400 years before Jesus was born, and his gods were pretty damn Greek.  He worshiped Asclepius, same as Joe Barton, I guess.

How in the world did the teachings of Sweet Jesus become a justification of every man for himself?  How did that happen?

Matthew 25:34-36 Then the king will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.”

Read the damn book, Joe.  It’s good.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

We have this silly little Lyndon LaRouche (read: cult) candidate running for United States Congress in my county as a Democrat … who wants to impeach President Barack Obama. Yeah, you read that right.

The Texas 22nd is Tom DeLay’s old district and solidly Republican.  Democrats rarely bother to run anybody for the seat so Kesha sneaks in and wins the Democratic nomination.  She is such an embarrassment that we’re trying to stop her this time, which means we have to spend money on a candidate we know won’t win in November.  I’d say that Kesha is a Republican plant but the girl ain’t got no root system, if ya know what I mean.  She’s just flat nuts.

She is the Princess of People With Absolutely No Social Skills, misfits, and guys who are just one manic episode away from living in a cabin in the woods as a loner.

Kesha also has some very creepy passive-aggressive tendencies, as you will see with the pictures below.  But let’s face it, standing on street corners with a large picture of the President with a Hitler mustache drawn on his face does not exactly qualify for the mental health award.

I told you about the signs her opponent had made that say she’s not a Democrat.  I wanted them to say that she’s the Fairy Princess of Cultville, but he wouldn’t do that.

Little Bubba went up to vote last Friday and saw that Kesha and her Band of Bozos had placed her poll signs in an odd position.  She moved her signs to place them directly in front our our signs.

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.I have to be honest with you and tell you that Little Bubba and Bubba, Sr., attorneys at law and former football players, do not have a passive / aggressive bone in their bodies.  They will get right in your face and tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.  Men who do not have even a healthy fear of snakes, law suits, chain saws and 300 pound tackles should not be poked with a stick.  Write that down somewhere because you may need it later.

Bubba asked me to document him moving her signs and placing them all 1/4 inch apart in a neat little line because obviously she likes signs that way.  He was just being helpful.

He truly enjoys that he’s getting under her skin, thin as it may be.  A man has to take his pleasures where he can find them and Bubba truly enjoyed hacking off Kesha.