I have talked to you before about the Crouch Family Values.

They are a multimillion dollar teevee evangelist couple who spend most of their money on hair.  All kinds of hair.  Lotsa hair.  Sadly, they don’t spend any of that hair money at my salon.  Which is probably what’s getting them into trouble.  We own several Protection From Bad Hairdresser Candles here and burn them daily to keep out the bad press and sloppy updos.

The Crouches could use some help in those areas.  It seems that the entire Crouch family is feuding.  And the surprise  – holy cash cow!- is that it’s over money.  This proves, once again, that rightwing religion, money, and big hair don’t mix.  Well, sure, chemically they do, but the resulting reaction when you do mix them stinks up the entire science wing of the building.

I’m one of those regular kind of Christians – you know, the ones with backsliding blisters on our butts who fall short of the glory of God every day.  I don’t have all the answers, but I do know one of the questions.  Man’s first question to God was, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”  The answer was – are you nuts?  Of course you are.  Why else do you think I put your brother here?  Well, actually, the answer was Yes but I tend to be a little more Southern than God.

As far as prosperity gospel goes, I think Sweet Jesus talked a whole lot about giving and very little about taking.

Now, I’m not preaching here but I think there’s a real special place in the land of Nod, east of Eden, for those who use the Bible as their ATM machine.  Plus, you lose your family, which in the case of Junior Janochek, Jr. would not be a bad thing, but for the rest of us, that stinks.

If your preacher’s name holds a highly place than Jesus’ name on the front of the building, gather up your stuff and get the Nod outta there.  I think that’s good advice.  You might need a lot of things to get by in life, but giving your money to a big haired woman with a special air conditioned motor home for her dogs ain’t one of them.   You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one.

I’ve thought real hard, but there’s not much to say about this.

Bill Johnson (R), the anti-gay candidate for Alabama governor that admitted to donating sperm to lesbian couples, has left his wife and family “to be with babies he secretly conceived as a sperm donor in New Zealand,” the Birmingham News reports.

Does anybody know where his other hand is?

His wife told the New Zealand Herald that Johnson “plans to apply for residency so he can stay in New Zealand, and that he intends to donate sperm to additional women.”

Said Kathy Hale Johnson: “He is obsessed with this. He doesn’t want to stop.”

Personally, and I’m just guessing here, but I think he’s probably obsessed with playing with his winkie and needed an excuse to do it.

But, there may be another explanation —

A graduate of Mobile’s Spring Hill College, Johnson served as a Birmingham city councilman from 1997-2001. He went on to help lead Riley’s 2002 and 2006 campaigns for governor, and was appointed by Riley as director of the Alabama Department of Economic and Community Affairs, a position he held from 2003 to 2009.

Yep, those “community affairs” will snag you every time.

Thanks to David for the heads-up.

Thanks to MaryK for the heads-up.

You know, when things get boring the price of a moving picture show ticket gets too high, there’s Ron Paul to the rescue.

Why we haven’t given that man an Academy Award beats me.  Best actor in a Looneytarian role would be perfect.

He took his roadshow to Maine yesterday and his supporters took over the convention.

Ron Paul supporters narrowly won the chairmanship of the convention today.

Brent Tweed edged Charles Cragin 1,118 to 1,114 in a very close vote.

UPDATED:  David let us know that the Paulites also had fun in Nevada.

In a show of anti-establishment power at Saturday’s Nevada Republican Convention, GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul supporters ousted two Mitt Romney backers from the Republican National Committee.

The vote came during a day of clashes between the two camps as Paul backers sought to install his people in the party hierarchy and elect as many Nevada delegates as possible to the national convention in Tampa, Fla.

Now here’s what I’m hoping.  The Republican convention in Texas is the first weekend in June.  I need someone from a foreign state to keep a close eye on it for me because I will be at the Democratic convention at the same time.

There will be four groups of people at the Republican convention in Texas.

1.  The “There’s Only One Real Christian Here and It’s Me” caucus.  Rhinestone Jesus pin required.

2.  The “Let’s Go Piss On The Widow Woman’s Fire Kindling Just Because We Can” caucus – also known as The Greedorama Caucus

3.  The “Let’s Forget About Ronald Reagan and That Raising Taxes Thing” caucus.  The smell of Ben Gay is a little overwhelming at this caucus.

4.  The Looneytarians.

So, I’m betting that the Looneytarian caucus can whip up on the others.  Because proving you’re a Christian and a follower of Godless Ayn Rand at the same time just confuses the opposition.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

She’s shaking her finger at us again.

Since the whole defunding of Planned Parenthood has worked out so well in Texas, Arizona’s Jan Brewer has decided that, yahoo!, she’s going to spend taxpayer dollars fighting a losing battle, too.

Brewer, who recently replaced Christine O’Donnell as the new Republican Women Against Mental Health spokeswoman, is trying to ban Planned Parenthood from providing preventative health care for 20,000 women in Arizona.  Because she freekin’ hates women.  Hates them.  To the bone.

Thank you, Jan Brewer, for helping women with y’all’s new  Flee the GOP program.  We love women over on the bright side.

Thanks to Marcie, Sam, and David for the heads-up.

I love yew, Texas.

I’ll be spending the afternoon at the Democratic booth at our local Cinco de Mayo celebration and then off to a major fiesta tonight.

You have any plans?