The Texas Republican boy candidates are duking it out, Honey.

In the marketplace of ideas, these guys are Spencer’s Gifts.

I told you about State Senator Dan Patrick and fellow State Senator John Carona whacking each other over the head with “You’re so gay” and “No, you’re so gay” for no determinable reason other than they both want to be Lt. Governor if the current Lt Gov, David Dewhurst, gets elected to the big Senate in DeeCee.  Grown men calling each other gay violates all the supposed dignity of the State Senate, bullying laws at Davy Crockett Elementary School and, most importantly, the float rules at the Pride Parade in Dallas.

But, like Republican economic policies, this stuff trickles up.

David Dewhurst

David Dewhurst’s main opponent in the race for the GOP nomination for the Senate seat that Kay Bailey Hutchison is resigning is a guy named Ted Cruz.  Okay, so I will admit that Cruz is so crooked that if he swallowed a nail, he’d spit up a corkscrew, but Dewhurst has used his vast amounts of dirty campaign money to send bad photography and icky websites against Cruz.

The whole Dewhurst rant against Cruz is more misleading than most San Antonio one way streets.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you, because neither Cruz or Dewhurst is worth diddle squat.

The primary in Texas is May 29th but early voting starts Monday.  It’s gonna get powerful nasty this weekend.  I’m staying indoors and laying low.  I’m betting they’re gonna settle this stuff with gun play, and when I die I want to be real sick, real old, or doing something worth dying for.  I do not want “innocent bystander” to appear anywhere in my obituary.

Thanks to Texas Ellen for the heads-up.

Two Republican Texas State Senators are fixing to start scratching, hair pullin’, and slapping each other.

Dan Patrick

Republican wild-eyed self-promotion king Senator Dan Patrick of Houston is all over Republican I’m-more-conservative-than-you Senator John Carona of Dallas.  These guys make The Avengers and Loki look tame.

Patrick sent an email to his 30 fellow Texas State Senators this weekend accusing Carona of spreading a rumor that Patrick and his wife Jan are separating.

Patrick says that’s not true and Carona is despicable.  Yeah, that’s the word he used.  Kudos that he did not use the words “fabulously despicable.”

Corona spits back.

In response, Carona sent a letter to Patrick calling his charges false and saying Patrick should have called him regarding the allegations before contacting their colleagues. “Though I have heard rumors regarding your marital status and sexual preferences for a while now, at no time have I told anyone that you are either separated, divorced or gay,” the Dallas Republican said.

Is that not the coolest thing you’ve read in a long time?

John Carona

Honestly, I did not know until I read read Corona’s response that there were rumors that Patrick’s gay.  I mean, it’s a pretty well known fact that he’s a jerk and a nincompoop, but gay?  Another rumored gay Republican male in Austin.  Somebody needs to alert Glen Maxey!

Patrick responded to Carona by calling him “repulsive.”  Somebody, please!, buy these guys a Thesaurus so they can keep this up!

They both want to be Lt. Governor if David Dewhurst is successful in his United States Senate run.  Neither of them is qualified but both are pretty good at this name-calling stuff.  I mean, if we should ever get into a name-calling contest with Louisiana or Oklahoma, these are the guys to lead us in that endeavor.  Otherwise, worthless as a three card flush.

When Republicans are fighting like this, I think we Democrats should spend our campaign money on Margaritas, beach towels, umbrellas, and binoculars so we can be comfortable watching them.

Thanks to David for the heads-up.

I have talked to you before about the Crouch Family Values.

They are a multimillion dollar teevee evangelist couple who spend most of their money on hair.  All kinds of hair.  Lotsa hair.  Sadly, they don’t spend any of that hair money at my salon.  Which is probably what’s getting them into trouble.  We own several Protection From Bad Hairdresser Candles here and burn them daily to keep out the bad press and sloppy updos.

The Crouches could use some help in those areas.  It seems that the entire Crouch family is feuding.  And the surprise  – holy cash cow!- is that it’s over money.  This proves, once again, that rightwing religion, money, and big hair don’t mix.  Well, sure, chemically they do, but the resulting reaction when you do mix them stinks up the entire science wing of the building.

I’m one of those regular kind of Christians – you know, the ones with backsliding blisters on our butts who fall short of the glory of God every day.  I don’t have all the answers, but I do know one of the questions.  Man’s first question to God was, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”  The answer was – are you nuts?  Of course you are.  Why else do you think I put your brother here?  Well, actually, the answer was Yes but I tend to be a little more Southern than God.

As far as prosperity gospel goes, I think Sweet Jesus talked a whole lot about giving and very little about taking.

Now, I’m not preaching here but I think there’s a real special place in the land of Nod, east of Eden, for those who use the Bible as their ATM machine.  Plus, you lose your family, which in the case of Junior Janochek, Jr. would not be a bad thing, but for the rest of us, that stinks.

If your preacher’s name holds a highly place than Jesus’ name on the front of the building, gather up your stuff and get the Nod outta there.  I think that’s good advice.  You might need a lot of things to get by in life, but giving your money to a big haired woman with a special air conditioned motor home for her dogs ain’t one of them.   You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one.

I’ve thought real hard, but there’s not much to say about this.

Bill Johnson (R), the anti-gay candidate for Alabama governor that admitted to donating sperm to lesbian couples, has left his wife and family “to be with babies he secretly conceived as a sperm donor in New Zealand,” the Birmingham News reports.

Does anybody know where his other hand is?

His wife told the New Zealand Herald that Johnson “plans to apply for residency so he can stay in New Zealand, and that he intends to donate sperm to additional women.”

Said Kathy Hale Johnson: “He is obsessed with this. He doesn’t want to stop.”

Personally, and I’m just guessing here, but I think he’s probably obsessed with playing with his winkie and needed an excuse to do it.

But, there may be another explanation —

A graduate of Mobile’s Spring Hill College, Johnson served as a Birmingham city councilman from 1997-2001. He went on to help lead Riley’s 2002 and 2006 campaigns for governor, and was appointed by Riley as director of the Alabama Department of Economic and Community Affairs, a position he held from 2003 to 2009.

Yep, those “community affairs” will snag you every time.

Thanks to David for the heads-up.

Thanks to MaryK for the heads-up.

You know, when things get boring the price of a moving picture show ticket gets too high, there’s Ron Paul to the rescue.

Why we haven’t given that man an Academy Award beats me.  Best actor in a Looneytarian role would be perfect.

He took his roadshow to Maine yesterday and his supporters took over the convention.

Ron Paul supporters narrowly won the chairmanship of the convention today.

Brent Tweed edged Charles Cragin 1,118 to 1,114 in a very close vote.

UPDATED:  David let us know that the Paulites also had fun in Nevada.

In a show of anti-establishment power at Saturday’s Nevada Republican Convention, GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul supporters ousted two Mitt Romney backers from the Republican National Committee.

The vote came during a day of clashes between the two camps as Paul backers sought to install his people in the party hierarchy and elect as many Nevada delegates as possible to the national convention in Tampa, Fla.

Now here’s what I’m hoping.  The Republican convention in Texas is the first weekend in June.  I need someone from a foreign state to keep a close eye on it for me because I will be at the Democratic convention at the same time.

There will be four groups of people at the Republican convention in Texas.

1.  The “There’s Only One Real Christian Here and It’s Me” caucus.  Rhinestone Jesus pin required.

2.  The “Let’s Go Piss On The Widow Woman’s Fire Kindling Just Because We Can” caucus – also known as The Greedorama Caucus

3.  The “Let’s Forget About Ronald Reagan and That Raising Taxes Thing” caucus.  The smell of Ben Gay is a little overwhelming at this caucus.

4.  The Looneytarians.

So, I’m betting that the Looneytarian caucus can whip up on the others.  Because proving you’re a Christian and a follower of Godless Ayn Rand at the same time just confuses the opposition.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.