Luckily, we have the wise and wonderful research assistant Sybil at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc.  Sybil has found the reason for the post we had yesterday about the Republican Party in South Carolina having actual dueling matches and a word war on Twitter.

They’ve outlawed sparkin’ in South Carolina.  Well, just for Republicans.

According to new rules just adopted by the Laurens County GOP, no candidate will wind up on the primary ballot who hasn’t passed a purity test.

Among the new requirements to run as a Republican in this county in the June 12 legislative primary, according to The Clinton Chronicle, are that aspiring candidates must have abstained from sex before marriage.

And once they ace THAT test, they must take a pledge that “You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.”

You know, a little wine, a little porn, a little hoochy … maybe that would put this whole dueling thing to rest.  I mean, not to be indelicate, but hell a man’s gotta shoot off somethin’, Honey.  It’s gonna be his mouth, his gun, or … mattress thrashing.  The first two just end up in a war of words and a dueling match.

Sadly, according to news sources, there are “28 different pledges candidates must swear to uphold if they want to hold office under the banner of the Republican Party.”

They include book readin’, unnecessary dancing, a full set of teeth, jeggings (okay, I agree, everybody should have to sign that pledge), even saying the words “united nations,” talking French, voting to add “Under God” to Take Me Out To The Ballgame, and hating George Clooney.

Okay, so I made that stuff up but I swear to all that is fun and enjoyable that my made-up list is probably less restrictive than their real list.

I am happy to report that there are some good Democrats in South Carolina.

South Carolina Democratic operative Lachlan McIntosh said in an email that he finds it interesting a party so preoccupied with buzzwords like “freedom” seem to oppose it on a regular basis.

“It sounds like a little porn might do these folks some good,” McIntosh said.

Ya think?

Thanks to Sybil, purveyor of fabulous purses, for the heads up.

Every other Republican Party in every other state just needs to quit.  South Carolina wins.

The best I can figure, there are two Republican candidates there who hate, hate, hate each other.  Personally, from what I read, neither one of them is worth liking much at all.

There is a Republican state senator named Jake Knotts and he has an opponent named Katrina Shealy.  So, we have the Knotts/Shealy Wars.

Jake Knotts: Strong Dislike of Ragheads

The first act:

First, a state Supreme Court ruling resulted in Shealy being removed from the June 12 Republican primary ballot. That ruling came after a paid campaign worker for Knotts filed a lawsuit alleging Shealy and others did not file their paperwork correctly. Then, last week, Knotts used legislative maneuvers to kill a Senate bill that would have allowed Shealy back on the ballot.

Well, that’s just pretty crummy, isn’t it?

So, Shealy asked the South Carolina Republican Party’s executive committee to remove Knotts from the ballot because “he has previously issued a duel challenge to former South Carolina Republican First Vice Chairman Patrick Haddon.”

Yes, duel.

Katrina Shealy: Strong Dislike of Duels

Apparently, they still duel in South Carolina and it’s not the Dick Cheney kind of duel where you just shoot some guy in the face.  Apparently, both men are armed.  I don’t know a whole lot about it because it went out of popularity about the same time pistols got more accurate, making it a whole lot harder to determine the winner of a duel.

Also apparently, which I say because I am no expert in the South Carolina Constitution, it is illegal to challenge someone to a duel.

“any person who shall fight a duel or send or accept a challenge for that purpose, or be an aider or abettor in fighting a duel, shall be deprived of holding any office of honor or trust in this State.”

I’ll bet she stirred up some dust finding that one!

Now, if you’re like me and God help ya if you are, you are probably wondering when this duel issuing happened.  In an anachronistic miracle, it happened on Twitter.

In the summer of 2010, Knotts — appearing on Pub Politics, a weekly Internet talk show — referred to President Barack Obama and then-Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley as “ragheads.” Shortly thereafter, Haddon — a state party official — called on Knotts to resign.

On Dec. 22, 2010, Haddon posted to his Twitter account: “Sen. Jake Knotts challenged me to a duel today. Senator, take your best shot. You couldn’t hurt Nikki, you won’t hurt me.”

Well, there ya go.  Metaphorically speaking.

Patrick Haddon: Strong Dislike of Returning Reporters' Calls

So, now we add Republican Patrick Haddon to this mix, who, according to reports, is not answering his phone.

I can’t imagine why.  Why would you miss out on this statesman-like opportunity to weigh in on duels, ragheads, and 1880 South Carolina constitutional issues?

So, wrap it up Texas, Arizona, Florida … wrap it up because South Carolina wins Republican Crazytown.

But, they might even top themselves —

The Republican Party’s executive committee will hear five protests Wednesday from candidates — including Shealy — challenging the decision to remove them from the primary ballot.

I can hardly wait!

Thanks to Irene for the heads-up.

I have been completely fascinated with the John Edwards thing.

I supported the guy because I thought he was the real deal, and the reason I thought he was real is that Elizabeth Edwards said so.  But she also continued to say so even when she knew for a fact that he wasn’t the real deal.

He is such a jerk.  I gave up money for something else I wanted to give to his campaign.  I want my damn money back.  I do.  I think I should get a refund. And a big apology.

I think I keep reading about the trial to see how the dickens I could have been so fooled by this guy. It scares the heck outta me that this guy actually thought he could be added to the ticket as the vice-president after what he’d done.  Can you imagine him campaigning with his ho in tow?

And I also wonder why I was willing to forgive Bill Clinton, but not John Edwards.

I don’t think he broke any laws, but he’s such a sumbitch that people want to find him guilty of something.

They say his daughter Cate will take the stand today.  Hasn’t he exceeded the number of women he can use in one lifetime?

Jerk.  The guy is a jerk.  But, I think he should be found not guilty, and it pains me to admit that.

George W. Bush finally endorsed Mitt Romney.

“I’m for Mitt Romney,” Bush told ABC News this morning as the doors of an elevator closed on him, after he gave a speech on human rights a block from his old home — the White House.

Where’s somebody with an elevator door bolt when you really need them?

I am passing this along to mothers of little boys.

If I had this information 25 years ago, I could have scared the crap out of three little boys who grew up at my house.

Dinosaurs may have farted themselves to extinction, according to a new study from British scientists.

The researchers calculated that the prehistoric beasts pumped out more than 520 million tons (472 million tonnes) of methane a year — enough to warm the planet and hasten their own eventual demise.

Yes, farting can kill you.

Thanks to Carl, who himself is an old fart, for the heads-up.

Remember Rand Paul’s goofy statement that Obama’s position on gay marriage was “gay?” And he thought that was funny and clever?

Apparently, even homophobes think that went too far.

“I don’t think this is something we should joke about,” Family Research Council president Tony Perkins said on CBS’ Face the Nation.

The Family Research Council, fergoshsakes.  These are not progressive people with social justice on their minds.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus also voiced his concerns on Paul’s statement during his appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” Sunday.

Reince Priebus.  He doesn’t think gay people should be allowed to breathe free air, but he thinks Rand Paul went too far?

I can’t decide if the bottom of the disgusting pit got raised a little over the weekend or if Republicans are just so used to fighting with each other that they’ll disagree about anything.

Thanks to David for the heads-up.