If you are anywhere in Texas, I know where you need to be on Saturday, April 28th.

You need to be at the Hyatt Regency in Austin seeing this.  The funniest man in Texas, Harold Cook, will be MC-ing a roast of Boyd and Betty Richie, the retiring State Democratic Chairman.  Harold promises to keep most of his clothes on and to try to sober-up by about 5:30.  Nobody else makes that promise, though.

Texas has been blessed with both Boyd and Betty leading us through some troubled times.  I can guarantee that you will have fun at this event and raise some money for the Texas Democratic Party.

Go on ahead and get yourself some tickets now so I won’t have to pester you too often about it.

Who you gonna believe, me or your lyin’ eyes?

The reclusive, super-wealthy Republican donor Harold Simmons sat down for an interview with the Wall Street Journal in which he explained why he decided to donate $18 million to conservative super PACs. To put it bluntly: he despises and fears President Barack Obama.

“Any of these Republicans would make a better president than that socialist, Obama,” Simmons told the Journal, in what is the piece’s most provocative quote. “Obama is the most dangerous American alive … because he would eliminate free enterprise in this country.”

How much difference is there between “a reclusive” and “a loner making bombs in the basement?”

Harold, Darlin’, you really do need to get out more.

But, on the upside, at least now they’re admitting that President Obama is an American.

I hate to tell you guys a sad story on a gorgeous Friday, but you need to know that there’s a terrible fight going on at the TBN Christian Network.

For those of you who don’t know, the Trinity Broadcasting Network is a major televangelist group who work from the premise that if you give them money, God will give you money.   It was founded by Paul and Janice Crouch, a lovely couple with a lot of hair.  Lots.  Lord, I have no idea how much it costs to clean their shower drains, but I suspect that power tools are involved.

I have no way of knowing how much money God handed out to people who sent Paul and Janice their money, but Paul and Janice certainly got their fair share.  They got rich.  I’m talking Paris Hilton rich, but with more hair and significantly more Praise Jessssus.

The lawsuit alleges that Paul Crouch Sr. obtained a $50-million Global Express luxury jet for his personal use through a “sham loan,” and that TBN funds paid for a $100,000 motor home for dogs owned by his wife, Janice Crouch, a network director.

The suit also alleges that TBN bought residences across the country for its directors under the pretext that they were “guest homes” or “church parsonages.” The properties include mansions used by the Crouch family in Newport Beach; side-by-side mansions in Windermere, Fla.; and homes in Nashville; Miami; and Irving, Texas, according to the suit.

TBN directors received about $300,000 to $500,000 in meal expenses and the use of chauffeurs.

The directors also misused funds to cover up sexual scandals, the suit claims.

Now, I have to tell you that Janice’s dogs are real important to her.  She even wore one to her granddaughter’s wedding.

So, why shouldn’t your dog have her own $100,000 motor home?  And hiring a decorator for the motor home doesn’t come cheap. And I’m almost positively semi-certain that Sweet Jesus wants every dog to have their own motor home.

And what shows how much Jesus loves you if not side-by-side houses in Florida?

And as far as the sexual scandals, there wasn’t much to that.

In another case, the network paid a $425,000 settlement to a former employee who said he had a homosexual encounter with Paul Crouch Sr., who denied the accusation.

I ask you:  why would a man have a homosexual encounter when he is married to the finest drag queen on planet earth?  Answer me that.

Now here comes the sad part, Janice and Paul’s granddaughter just got herself fired from TBN because she went to her grandfather about  “illegal financial schemes amounting to tens of millions of dollars.”

Bless her heart, I guess she thought all those houses and motor homes and pay-offs were manna from heaven and could not possibly have anything to do with financial irregularities.  Isn’t that sad?  Poor child was born without a brain.

So, they are all suing each other and the only thing that’s going to come out of this unscathed is Janice’s hair.

So, y’all send them some money, ya hear?

In a highly related story, Italy’s prime minister announced that he was going to pass a law ending the Church’s exemption from local property taxes on its properties used for commercial purposes, including the houses of priests and nuns.  They suspect that will put one billion euros into taxes.

Thanks to Sam and Ken for the heads-ups.

Remember when I told you that Ron Paul, my next door neighbor congressvarmint, said that Secret Service protection is welfare, and how he doesn’t need it because he’s wrapping himself in the protective bulletproof shield of free markets and liberty?

Well, it appears that he and his family have bunkered down with congressional welfare.

Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas), a GOP presidential hopeful, paid more than $300,000 in salaries or fees to his daughter, brother, grandson, daughter’s mother-in-law, granddaughter and grandson-in-law, the report said. (Paul spokesman Jesse Benton told the Times: “Any implication that there is anything inappropriate is wildly off base.”)

Uh, I think I need to say something snarky to Jesse Benton:  Honey, if you have to pay your entire family cash money to have them support you, that may not be inappropriate but it sure is damn embarrassing.   And, if putting you entire family on the campaign payroll ain’t welfare, what the hell is?

So the next time someone tells me that Ron Paul is “ideologically pure,” they are gonna get laughed at like a circus clown.  He’s just a mean greedy ole man whose family can’t support themselves.

Campaigning and congressing ain’t meant to build a family empire.

.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads-up.

As the paragon of pay-as-you-go Republican virtue, it comes as no surprise that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is in debt and not paying it’s creditors.

Manny Lara’s Noiseworks Media in Florida, which produced Hispanic-centric advertisements for the campaign, is among the campaign’s dozens of creditors. “I did exceptional work for the campaign, and get no payment in return,” Lara complained to PI on Wednesday.

Dude, now you know how his ex-wives feel.

And then there’s Rick Perry who is so flush with money that he’s getting himself one of them there Super Duper PACs.  It appears he’s got about $666,000 in the bank left over from his Presidential campaign so he’s got to do something with those 6’s before we think he’s the anti-Christ.

It would be nice if he’d start paying back the millions he owes Texans for his security detail while running for President.  Thelma said she thought he should use the money to buy a clue.  That’s be a start, for sure.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up!