I have an app that tell me where I am, and an app that tells me what to cook for dinner, and an app that send me a text message when there’s breaking news, and an app that tells me where all the sales are, and an app that lets me talk into my telephone machine and it automatically puts it in writing.

But what I really need is an app that tells me to hurry up and go turn on C-Span because Louie Gohmert is fixing to talk.

Don't touch that hand. You do not know where it's been.

Look, I’ve given up on the jet pack that they promised me back in the 50’s.  All I’m asking for is a Louie Gohmert app.  That’s not rocket science, or even jet pack science.

If we can have a moon base in 8 years, can’t we have a Louie Gohmert app right now?

Gohmert took to the House floor (and I misssssed it) yesterday to roll his eyes and lecture us about the Ninth Circuit’s ruling on Prop 8.

GOHMERT: Nature seemed to like the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together because of pro-creation. Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically, combining it with something else. But the voters of Iowa came back and said you know what, if you’re not smart enough to figure out actual plumbing…then perhaps we need new judges, and that’s what they did.

Louie, meet State Senator Constance Johnson in Oklahoma.  I do believe she has a bill for you.

Thanks to Mark in Austin for the heads-up.

This is certainly not original.  Sal Russo, founder of the Tea Party Express, was on NPR yesterday and  pretty much defined the GOP.

“…for the Republican Party to be a majority, you have to have some people in the Silicon Valley passing around white wine and cheese and at the same time you have Republicans in Kentucky passing around live rattlesnakes.”

Santorium has one part and Romney has the other.

You know the old saying, “They can kill ya, but they can’t eat ya.”  Well, the GOP in 2012 is Hannibal Lector.

Thanks to Linda for the heads-up.

I have tried very, very hard to make this website that Momma would be proud of.  I won’t let people cuss or talk about hoochy koochie and I try oh so hard to keep it clean.

State Senator Constance Johnson of Oklahoma is ruining my life.

Senate Bill 1433 sought to define human life as beginning at the moment of conception, saying, “the unborn child at every stage of development (has) all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

And in Oklahoma, where men are men and sheep are scared, Ms. Johnson added this amendment —

Click the little one to get the big one if the little one didn’t make you fall out of your chair just thinking of joy of the semen police.

You want on that jury panel, don’t ya?

The value of vaginas just went waaaaay up in Oklahoma.

State Senator Johnson is Democrat.  She has obviously never been around a man in her entire life.

I’m tellin’ ya, politics is ruining my life.

Thanks to Sandy for the heads-up.

Republican Greg Abbott is the Attorney General of Texas.  It is his job to defend Texas in lawsuits.

Not so fast.

Apparently, Mr. Abbott cannot find the courtroom.  So far, the taxpayers of the Great State of Texas have paid $1.4 million for lawyers – even some from Chicago, for goodness sake – to defend screwing minorities out of state and congressional seats.

And here’s the other news – that’s probably just the tip of the iceberg.  We haven’t even gotten a bill from the lawyer who argued it to the Supreme Court and Lord knows it costs a pretty penny to buy Scalia and Thomas.

Republicans tell us that Texas is so broke that we can’t afford none of this fancy-pants public education stuff.  By, by gawd, we can afford lawyers to keep this state 100% Republican.

It’s amazing to me that Republicans can always find money if it’s something THEY want.

I know I appear to be obsessed with East Texas Congressvarmint Louie Gohmert, but Louie is obsessed with acting crazy.  I love people like that.

For those of you new here, East Texas is pines, poverty, and Pentecostals.  They flat out love Louie because he’s a pinhead, keeping with their whole P themed thing.

Louie made the Washington Post for his views on how the Alaskan pipeline is going to help caribou get lucky.

No, seriously, Louie is now an expert on caribou sparkin’ and canoodlin’ even though there were no caribou in East Texas even during the ice age, which is something Louie ought to know because that’s when he was born.

Even with Alaska Representative Don Young sitting next to him openly laughing at Louie’s theory that caribou love the heat the pipeline produces so it becomes their bachelor pad, Louie could not contain himself.

It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates. “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues. It’s apparently the equivalent of being wined and dined. And that has resulted in a tenfold caribou population boom, he concluded.

No, he’s not kidding.  Louie thinks that shutting down the pipeline will keep caribou from doing the wild thing.  Because they like heat.  Which is why they live in Alaska.  In the tundra.

Hey, y’all, I’m just telling you this in case you’re ever caught in an elevator with Louie Gohmert.  No matter what, do not generate heat.  Lord only knows what it does to Louie but it could not be something good.

Thanks to Anthony for the heads-up.

Okay, people seem to be having trouble with the link I provided below. It’s not you, it’s me.

We are going to try one more time, or until I get it right, whichever comes first, which usually means until I finally, oh dear God finally, get it right.

Try this link.

Remember:  you have to sign up for an account – “Create an Account” – at the White House, which ain’t no skin off your nose unless you’re hiding out your email address after some horrible crime of moral turpitude.  And if you are, I do NOT want to know about it.  Okay?  Don’t tell me.  Not even in the comment section.  Seriously.  I’m not even curious about it.

Time’s a’waistin’ and we need 3,000 more folks to sign the petition.  Do it!  Hell, if you tried before, try again because it appears that the last link didn’t work.

Thank you for your repeat business even after I screw everything up.