I was raised in Texas so I know a thing or eleven about honky tonks.  I’ve also seen a bar fight or two.  So, I was stunned, stunned I tell you, to hear of some scientific study that apparently cost a lot of money, come to a conclusion that I would have given them for $1.98 and a Lone Star.

A recent study shows that the dance floor is the most likely place for fights to break out inside a large drinking establishment. The findings suggest that roughly 20 percent of the most harmful incidents took place on the floor itself; another 13 percent of them occurred near it.

Yep.  The dance floor.  I want to know what idiot suspected it was the rectory.

You don’t fight near the bar because you’re liable to break a full bottle.  You don’t fight in the parking lot because there’s gravel in the parking lot.  I have heard of assault with a toilet seat but that’s become rarer now that scientific studies have shown that to be the weapon of choice for people who already have a few social diseases so what the hell.

You fight on the dance floor because then you have an audience.  Which is the whole purpose of a bar fight.  There are rarely private bar fights.

There’s also the fights following the bar fight at the trailer park.  Those get noisy and usually involve a deer rifle  just to draw a crowd. If you hear a deer rifle at the trailer park, run the other way.  And, for God’s sake, don’t hold your hands over your head like antlers.  I’m just saying.

Phew!  I don’t know about you, but I’m breathing a sign of relief.

Newt has signed a pledge to not commit adultery.  Seriously.

Yep, them pledges of fidelity have worked real well on him in the past.

I am wondering.  What if we elect him and he starts flirting with some other country?  I mean, what if he leaves us for … I dunno, Rick Perry’s Solyanda?

I hate to be tacky, but I think maybe Newt’s waistline may be his biggest problem in this whole hanky panky thing.  He has a growing case of winkydo.  You know, where his stomach sticks out more than his winky do. Maybe that’s why his wife has to wear a helmet.  I dunno.

Thanks to Jimbo for the heads up.

The entire World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. is closing down today to go to Austin to hear Attorney General Eric Holder speak at the Lyndon Baines Johnson Library.  The topic of his speech is voting rights.

Now, I don’t have a crystal ball and even Juanita, with all her various acclaimed skills, can’t tell the future, but we are betting that Attorney General Holder isn’t coming all the way to Austin to tell the Texas Legislature that the Justice Department thinks Voter ID is the dandiest thing since Bull Connor released the dogs.

I mean, that would be kinda like taking a leak on Lyndon’s grave right there at his library.

We are betting that he chose Austin for this speech to honor the Voting Rights Acts of 1965.

I have WordPress on my iPhone so I can update along the way as necessary.  I will also update tonight.  I will be tweeting the event live (if they’ll let me) under my twit name – crabbait.  I’ll use #holder as the hashtag.  I really don’t understand this tweeting thing so you’ll have to be patient with me.  Anytime I do it right, just remind yourself that even blind squirrels can sometimes find acorns.

The event starts at 6:00 at the LBJ Library (or “liberry,” as LBJ used to say).  If you’re in Austin and believe in civil rights, you might want to stop by.

I’ve been out shoppin’ and boppin’ with Momma all day, but I came home to find a gazillion emails telling me about this —

On the stump in Iowa Saturday evening, Rick Perry made made yet another spectacular gaffe. According to CNN, the Texas governor tried to accuse President Obama of ‘picking winners and losers,’ but ended up saying something a little different:

“I want to say it was over $500 million that went to the country Solynda.”

Uh, was that West Solyndra or East Solyndra?  And the capitol of Solynda is New Halliburton.  Main export?  Utah.  Newly elected President of Solynda?  Bananas.

Y’all, seriously, his head ain’t screwed on right.

Momma, who is Christian lady who rarely speaks ill of anyone unless they cuss, was trying to be nice today when she told a store clerk in the sweetest 86 year old voice, “I think there’s something wrong with him.  I think he needs a doctor, not a campaign manager.”

Momma nailed that one.

I was going through some Christmas stuff last night and came across a Holiday card from Rick Perry.  To be honest, I have no idea what year it was sent, but the return address was the Gov Shack.

Take a look —

If you look real close, you’ll see that the word “Christmas” seems to be missing.  Rick?  Where’s Christmas?

There is a scripture at the bottom but it’s the old testament, so “The Lord” is God, not Sweet Jesus.

No Christmas?  Does Jerry Falwell know about this?  Rick?  Rick?

One other thing … last summer the Houston Chronicle did some digging and discovered that Rich Rick may talk the talk, but walking the walk …. not so much.

From 2000, when Perry became governor, through 2009, he earned a total of $2.68 million, according to his tax records. Of that amount, he gave about half a percent to churches and religious organizations, or $14,243.

By comparison, Americans averaged gifts of nearly 1.2 percent of their income to churches and religious groups from 2004 to 2008, according to Empty Tomb Inc., an Illinois-based research firm specializing in U.S. church-giving trends.

The Chronicle article was from June of this year and contains a remarkable quote.

Perry declined an interview request by the Houston Chronicle/San Antonio Express-News to discuss his views on prayer, personal religious observance and charitable giving.

“He never talks about his faith,” Perry spokesman Mark Miner said.

He never talks about his faith?  No, no, wait.  I must not be reading that right.  He.  Never. Talks. About. His. Faith.  Yep, I read it right.

Uh, best I can tell, that’s ALL he talks about lately.  How quickly we forget.

UPDATE:

Laura found one, too.

The most disliked You Tube in the history of internet tubes, Rick Perry’s anti-gay teevee commercial, just hit another subliminal message.

We know the jacket Rick wears in the ad is exactly like the one in Brokeback Mountain.  But there’s more.

The music in the background is by Aaron Copeland.  I should have know that because he’s one of my favorite composers.  But there’s got to be another subliminal message here because Aaron Copeland was a communist, Jewish … wait for it … proud gay man.

Thanks to Irene for the heads-up.