Rick Perry is a desperate man saying desperate things.  He knows that God wants him to be President but – not to call names or place blame or anything – God ain’t lending a linguistic helping hand.

In New Hampshire last night Perry suggested to a town hall  that he would retaliate against career civil service employees if they disagreed with him.

I don’t think you can fire federal bureaucrats, but you can reassign them. So reassign them to some really god-awful place,” he said, eliciting laughter from the audience.

Those federal bureaucrats are civil service workers.  They most certainly can be fired but I have doubts that most of them will agree with Rick Perry that the earth is flat and that there should be a kickboxing hall of fame with a Chuck Norris statue out front.

I have a long list of god-awful places, but Rick Perry’s brain still leads the list.

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And, from Andy Borowitz —

FDA Declares Rick Perry a Vegetable

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a decision that raised some eyebrows in the nutrition community, the Food and Drug Administration announced today that it had declared Texas Governor Rick Perry a vegetable.

The decision, effective immediately, means that a serving of Mr. Perry would be approved for school lunches across the nation.

In an official statement, Mr. Perry said he was “surprised and honored” by the FDA’s decision.

“As a vegetable, I am honored to join the other three food groups,” said Gov. Perry. “Meat, dairy, and… nope, can’t do it. Oops.”

Thanks to Kathleen for the heads-up.

So some guys in India got tired of being bribed by officials in the tax office.  One of them was a snake charmer.  Bingo.

LUCKNOW, India — Two farmers fed up with alleged bribery demands emptied three bags filled with slithering snakes in a busy tax office in northern India, an official said Wednesday.

The 40 or so snakes of different sizes and species – including at least four deadly cobras – sent clerks and villagers climbing atop tables and scurrying out the door to escape the office.

“Snakes started climbing up the tables and chairs,” he said. “There was total chaos. Hundreds of people gathered outside the room, some of them with sticks in their hands, shouting that the snakes should be killed.”

Texas Ellen sent me an email wondering if this would work in Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott’s office, noting that perhaps professional courtesy would kick in.

I think we should bypass the animals and just send a snake charmer to Abbott’s office.

Thanks to TexasEllen for the heads up.

Anybody here remember Arizona State Senator Lori Klein?  The ditsy broad who pulled a hot pink handgun out of her purse and laser-sited the chest of a local reporter less than a month after the Gabby Gifford’s shootings?

Well, that’s the woman they got to defend Herman Cain.  Somebody stick a fork in him.

Lori Klein, an Arizona state Senator, told CBS News that she has known him for 12 years and he’s “never been anything but a gentleman — and I am not an unattractive woman.” She added that in politics, “we want a virgin to do a hooker’s job.” She also said that if Cain is innocent, he should sue White for libel.

I do not know where to start.  I feel sure that Herman Cain could come up with at least 50 or 60 not unattractive woman who he didn’t play touchy with, but up steps one of the craziest women on the planet.  I dunno, Lori, maybe he heard about your gun thing or maybe he’s just not that into insane asylum sex.

Thanks to Bruce for the heads-up.

Well, I got my Rick Perry endorsement email from Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

It’s real cute.

After talking about what a tough dude he is, which is a tad silly for a 79 year old man with Viagra on auto-refill down at the Walgreens, Sheriff Joe chats a minute about Rick Perry.

No candidate has done more to secure the border than Rick Perry. As governor, he directed nearly $400 million in state tax dollars to secure the border with more boots on the ground.

So, here’s my question.  If Rick Perry is so good at this border stuff, why the hell ain’t Texas’ border secure?  I mean it ain’t like he has to fight with a Democratic congress here or follow any particular laws or anything.

As president, Rick Perry will stop illegal immigration and drug smugglers with a massive increase in manpower, including National Guard troops and thousands of new Border Patrol agents.

And he’s gonna pay for all this federal help by ….?  I dunno, gun raffles?  Burrito sales?  Cause he hates the federal guvmint being in the states and he ain’t about to make people pay taxes.  Tell me, Joe, does Rick have some bright ideas he’s keeping in his back pocket but won’t tell us unless we elect him President?  Is that the deal, here?

Hey, you’re both pips, dude.  We could whip both your hineys at a beauty salon.  And we wouldn’t even brag about it.

…. his horse trips.

At a town hall meeting at the Institute of Politics at New Hampshire’s Saint Anselm’s College Tuesday, Rick Perry asked that all of the college students in the crowd who will be 21 by Nov. 12 support his bid for the presidency.

Uh, Guv, the voting age is 18 and the election is on November 6th.  But, Honey, listen up – you keep on telling Republican crowds that 12th date, ya hear?

Sarcasm is just another free public service we offer here so — I wish to thank Herman Cain for reinforcing every damn stereotype the Republican Party has about black males:  he jives, he’s unprepared, he’s entitled,  and wants to hoochy your wife.  He was the perfect idea of what white Republicans think a black man is.

Embattled Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain told his staff Tuesday he is “reassessing” the viability of his campaign in the wake of a new allegations he engaged in a lengthy extramarital affair, CNN has learned.

What a stinkin’ twit.

He’s blaming it not on his own behavior, but on the fact that his money sources are drying up.

That makes him a spherical twit – a twit no matter which way you look at him.