As you know, Texas is on fire.

As you probably didn’t know, our wise and thoughtful Governor, Rick Perry, was prepared for this.

Most of the firefighters in Texas are volunteers.  There are 879 volunteer departments but only 114 paid departments and 187 departments that are a combination of both.  Texas is pretty damn big.

So, being as how the safety of its citizens is government’s first responsibility, Rick Perry decided to help volunteer firefighters in Texas.

State funding for volunteer fire departments is taking a big hit. It is going from $30 million to $7 million. Those departments are already facing financial strains. The State Firemen’s and Fire Marshals’ Association of Texas represents 21,000 state firefighters. The Association says more than 80 percent of volunteer firefighters are reporting taking a personal hit in the budget crisis. They have started using their own money to help pay for equipment and supplies.

So, you’re probably asking yourself, how is cutting funds to fire departments by 75% helpful to Texas?

Well, remember how Rick Perry’s hero Grover Norquist said he wanted to get government down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub?  Rick is proudly doing his part to reduce Texas to ashes so we won’t need those costly volunteer fire departments.  Rick’s reducing the size of government  by fire instead of water.

First the Governor’s mansion, now the whole damn state.

The above photo was taken from Austin looking southeast to Bastrop County.  Click the little one to get the big one.  It was taken by Deanne Roy and she should get credit for this amazing photo.

On a serious note, I need your help.

I need you to sit down right now and put a dollar in an envelope and send it to my beloved friend Barbara who is the Democratic Party Chairman in Bastrop County, Texas.  If you want to send a check and get a tax deduction, make it  out to Bastrop County Ministerial Alliance (BCMA).

Several of Barbara’s good Democrats lost their homes.  At least one, if not more, Democratic precinct chairs lost everything.   One dollar says you care.  Please put a note with your dollar saying that you are a Democrat and you appreciate what she’s doing.

One damn dollar, people.  Dammit, I don’t ask you for much.  I don’t even have one of those damn tip jars on my website.  It’s a dollar for a Democrat.  I know you have a dollar.  If you have more than one dollar, send it.

Mail it to:

Barbara Nichols
1485 Watterson
Red Rock, TX 78662

Remember: if you have a little extra this month and want to get a tax deduction for it, make your check out to BCMA.  Barbara will get it there for you.

It’s just a damn dollar.  Do it.

My transplanted Texas friend Carol in Vermont wants to know if Rick Perry even pays for his own hair products.

I can fully understand her concern after she sent this —

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has made presidential campaign trips on a jet owned by a contributor who is under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission and Texas regulators, according to published media reports.

Perry flew last weekend on a jet belonging to Brian D. Pardo, the CEO of life settlement company Life Partners Holdings(LPHI), according to a report by The Wall Street Journal that cited a Perry campaign aide and flight records obtained through Flightwise.com.

The plane also carried the governor’s relatives from Texas to Charleston, S.C. on Aug. 13, the day Perry officially launched his presidential campaign, the report added.

And his laundry will be picked up, delivered, and paid for by Travis Lemont Johnson, who is currently on probation for robbing a Stop-N-Go with a large stick and a vicious attitude.

His hair products?  Produced from kitten tears by child labor sweatshops in his basement run by Bernie Madoff.

Trust me on this:  you do not want to know where he gets his teeth cleaned.

Texas got some new laws in effect.

In an effort to keep up with technology, laws in Texas now address “sexting” and “spoofing.”

Spoofing is the act of posing online as someone you are not and then emailing a victim.

“In doing it, you have to intend to harass or annoy someone,” said criminal defense attorney Jodi Callaway Cole.

With the passing of House Bill 1666, spoofing is now illegal.

I know about 4 guys who are going to have to stop constantly emailing me with fake gmail or hotmail addresses.  They are annoying.

Now, if we could pass a law against anonymous annoying snail mail —

This is just from the last three days.  Same guy as before.  Except he got confused and thinks Bubba’s proper name is David.  It ain’t.

Meh.  You get pretty much nothing new.

It seems that Governor Rick Perry called Crazy Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Arizona.

Arpaio tweeted at around 5 p.m. Eastern time, “Just received phone call at my house from TX. Gov. Rick Perry. Had a great conversation especially about immigration and other matters.”

It’s the “other matters” thing that scares me.

Honey, Texas is on fire.

And it seems to me that the only thing that’s gonna stop it is the Gulf of Mexico.  Any undocumented worker who is willing to pick up a firehose has my personal permission to stay here forever.

And it seems that Sheriff Joe and Steven Seagal have taken to the streets.

The Under Siege star joined officers from the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department in the March (11) bust on Jesus Sanchez Llovera’s Arizona property because they believed he was breeding roosters for illegal cockfighting.

Llovera has denied the claims and blamed cops for causing “substantial damage” to his family home and killing his kids’ 11-month-old puppy and more than 100 of his roosters.

Seagal and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio have both been served with an official notice of claim, the first steps towards a lawsuit, with Llovera demanding $100,000 (£62,500) in damages.

They shot Jesus’s dog?  Dude, don’t shoot Jesus’s dog.

Thanks to David for the heads up.

The Iowa Demcoratic Party is playing Guess That Tea Partier!  They let you join in the fun.

You have to guess who said the following crazy things:

“Let Detroit Go Bankrupt”

“There’s only truth and not truth. You’re either very good or evil.”

“Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink ? And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender. ”

…and there’s more!

I am assured by my friends that this is not a drinking game.  My friends lie.

Go play for a minute.  You’ll enjoy it.

Thanks to Janette for the heads up!

This is gonna take some ‘splainin’ to you folks from foreign states.  Texas natives can skip over the next few paragraphs while I get folks caught up.

In Texas, when you want to say someone is smart, you say, “That boy is as smart as a Rice upperclassman with a 50 pound dictionary.”  Rice University is the nerd and geek capital of Texas.  Those folks are smart.  Their mascot is an owl, which ought to tell you something.

Rice University has a football team, of sorts.  They also have a halftime band.  An amazing halftime band.  It’s not official, and pretty much anybody who ever went to Rice and owns a musical instrument and a Blues Brothers outfit can be part of the Marching Owl Band.  The MOB.

To be honest, they only know a couple of songs, which can kinda be irritating if you’re sitting next to them at a home game.  I know that for a fact.  But, their half time shows are world famous for their humor.  Also, they deeply enjoy picking on Texas A&M (which stands for Agricultural and Mechanical) University.  At one Aggie game, the MOB had to be escorted off the field by police.

Rice played the University of Texas this weekend.  That’s a historic match-up.  In 1962, John F. Kennedy spoke at Rice stadium and gave his put a man on the  moon speech.  My Momma took me to see it and it changed my life.  Anyway, John Kennedy used a joke to make his point, “But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain. Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?”

So, when Rice played Texas this weekend, the MOB used that mutual rivalry of both schools for  A&M to make a point about a famous A&M grad, Rick Perry.

Take it away, MOB —-

Thanks to Sandy for the heads up.  And a mild apology to Dr. Gary at A&M, who, he assures me,  did not teach Rick Perry.