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Folks who have been around here for a while know that I spent the better part of my life writing for a local newspaper saying that Tom DeLay was a crook.  Come to find out, I was right.

It was fun because it was a newspaper that went to his house.  I was also right about him being a womanizer, a drunk, a hypocrite, a vindictive self serving little man, and a flaming sanctimonious nincompoop.   I gave him the name Hot Tub Tom and it stuck and I’m proud.

Now, and this is totally true and serious, this arrived at Bubba’s writ twit office yesterday.

It is an application for a Chase credit card for my business.

But, notice who it’s for —-

No, really.  Take another look.

Now, either somebody at Chase has a sense of humor, or – and this might well be the trick – this completely explains why Chase went bankrupt and needed a bailout  – they are giving a line of credit to a fictional character and a convicted felon.

Dude, that ain’t too big to fail.  That, my friend, is too dumb to bail.

Now, I am highly tempted to open this line of credit and go buy the entire inventory of Sharia Law’s Adult Bookstore and Naughty Novelties in Tom and Juanita’s name.  Or maybe even the score by taking Jack Abramoff on a free trip to Scotland to play golf and send the bill to Tom.

Bubba says I need to get a DBA as Tom Delay and Juanita.  He says he’d rent me a backroom at his Writ Twit Palace for a very reasonable price for me to run Tom and Juanita’s Bleeding Heart Knee Jerk Liberal Food Bank and Hourly Hot Tub Rentals.  Tom, of course, would do the hot tub part.

I am going to have such fun filling out this application ….

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So, let me get this right.  Jeeesus wants us to slash Texas education to teach the little children that there are more important things than education?  Like Rick’s bank account, maybe?

“There a real special place in hell for this guy,” Juanita promises.  “I just know there is.  Sweet Jesus doesn’t like it when you blame him for the economic mess you created.”

But Jesus called them, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Luke 18:16

Go on, Rick, use Sweet Jesus as an excuse to be greedy. And be sure to hurt children first.  “Honey, he’s gonna have to look up to see the bottom pit of hell,” Juanita says.

And while we’re on the subject of people going to hell, there’s more on Chris Christie.  He’s decided that families making more than $6,000 a year are just too damn rich to qualify for Medicaid.

Good Lord, that’s what his dinner costs.

But I’m sure that State helicopter rides will still be free.

Going to hell.  They are all going to hell.

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Reason #429 – Rick Perry knows that someone somewhere in the media owns a pocket calculator.  I know he’s got a total lack of smart but he’s gotta know that someone somewhere is good at arithmetic.

Perry knows a little arithmetic himself.  You give your friends tax money, they return it in campaign contributions.  Magic money!

It’s called the Texas Emerging Technology Fund but it appears to have become a smoke filled backroom with the Governor and his friends being the only ones who emerge without smoke in their eyes.  Perry has total control over the fund, which my friends in Austin call Buddha Money.  “Rub Perry’s tummy and you get lucky,” they say.

The latest revelations include a long list of connections between the fund’s advisers and companies that have obtained tech fund awards. The Morning News investigation revealed that $27 million has been paid to ventures tied to former technology fund advisory committee members.

The Lege passed some oversight legislation and now everyone is waiting to see if Perry vetoes it  on his way to becoming the male Sarah Palin.

They say he’s mad enough to eat bees over this legislation, because he was planning on using this tax money to launch his nationwide campaign.  Now he’ll have to get the people who want to bury nuclear waste in Texas to give him money.

“Welcome to Perry World, where the screwing you got ain’t nothin’ compared to the screwing you’re fixing to get,” Juanita warns.

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Oh, this is good.  It’s even goofy Republican good.

It seems that New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie, who is so rotund  that he should have John Deere stamped on his butt, arrived at his son’s little league baseball game in a state helicopter.

No, seriously.  They have pictures.

A state helicopter and a full squad of Lord only knows how many other people are needed to fly the Governor around on a helicopter.  Man, I hope they had some rocket fuel in that sucker because Christi once fell down and rocked himself to sleep trying to get up.

But, it gets better —

Christie arrived shortly before 4 p.m. to watch his son Andrew play baseball for Delbarton School. He was driven from the helicopter about 100 yards to the field in a black car with tinted windows.

Really?  He couldn’t walk 100 yards?

Good Lord, the man’s shadow weights 17 pounds.  He looks like he ate his brother in the limo.

So what did this display of fat-cat Republican entitlement cost the taxpayers?

Christie was ferried to the field in a brand-new AugustaWestland helicopter, purchased at a cost to taxpayers of $12.5 million.

The State Police has received two of the five helicopters purchased so far, according to testimony from Attorney General Paula Dow during a May budget hearing.

The helicopters, which can reach nearly 200 miles per hour with its twin turbo-shaft engines, are designed for homeland security duties and transporting critically injured patients.

Oddly enough, the Governor had no official duties on the day in question, so nobody knows where he was traveling from.  However, we do know one thing —

Christie had a private meeting Tuesday night at the governor’s mansion with a group of Iowa donors who are trying to pursuade him to run for president.

Well, it’s pretty damn obvious that he can’t run for President, but maybe he could helicopter for it.

Thanks to Janette for the heads-up.

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Last week a customer sent me something that appeared at a satirical website they thought I would enjoy.  It was called The Five Saddest Things People Do To Look Smart.  (Momma, don’t click the link.  There’s some dirty words there and I’m already skating the edge with what I want to do to Pete Olson’s campaign bus.)

I’ll just tell you the good part —

So you’ll get a kid that’s just read Atlas Shrugged and thinks they’ve stumbled on a “I bet you never thought of this” goldmine of ideas to dump on people and dazzle them, not realizing those ideas are on the fringe not because they are obscure but because most people think they are lame.

Exactly.

And, it also explains why Rand Paul is generally as confused as a goat on Astroturf.  He starts the week by lecturing us all about how the Patriot Act is evil, evil, Stalin evil, but then takes a sharp right turn and says on the radio….

I’m not for profiling people on the color of their skin, or on their religion, but I would take into account where they’ve been traveling and perhaps, you might have to indirectly take into account whether or not they’ve been going to radical political speeches by religious leaders. It wouldn’t be that they are Islamic. But if someone is attending speeches from someone who is promoting the violent overthrow of our government, that’s really an offense that we should be going after — they should be deported or put in prison.

So, Rand, what if I’m an innocent bystander at a street corner speech?  I can be put in prison for merely listening?  Doesn’t that kinda violate my First Amendment rights?

Look, if you’re going to go to all the trouble of being an ideologue, go the tiny bit extra and be a good one.

Personally, I think he read the Cliff Notes version of Atlas Shrugged.  I imagine it’s not any good either.

And, y’all, what is that thing on his head?  It looks like Donald Trump got a perm.