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As you know, The Rapture is day after tomorrow.

So, make some damn plans, you idiot.

We at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. have decided that we want to be wherever it is that Jesus will go first.  Our reasoning is that he’ll still be in a good mood when he first gets here.  You know, before he finds out about that whole Republican budget thing, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So we got to thinking.  If you were Jesus and you were coming back, where would you go?  Certainly not to church because they’ve got all those crosses there and that’s probably the last thing you want to be reminded of.  Maybe the Smokey Mountains?   That’s real pretty.

But, you’re probably hungry.  That solved it.

Thelma’s betting that Jesus will show up at Cooper’s Barbeque on Saturday.  Probably the New Braunfels location, because if Jesus wants to do anything fun, it surely would be tube the Guadalupe.

Verdelia says Shrimp and Stuff in Galveston.  “Jesus likes to go fishing,” she reminds us.

Then there’s the strong possibly that he’ll show up at the Save Our Schools Rally at the State Capitol on Saturday morning at 10:00.

Let us know what your plans are for The Rapture.  These are tough decisions in though times.

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Three customers have sent me this!  If you want to hack off the rightwing, you need one of these suckers!  I just ordered both of them.

Born in the USA on the front – long form birth certificate on the back!

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In Fort Bend County, we have two types of Republicans:  the faith-based ones, and the greed-based ones.  Of course, they fight each other like the Hatfields and McCoys.

Two men in particular were constantly baring their teeth at each other, Dean Hrbacek for the faith fretters and David Wallace for the greed stompers.  They ran against each other once and it got nasty.  You’ll remember Hrbacek as the guy who Photoshopped someone else’s trim body on his head.  It got national attention.

Wallace countered with a very bizarre  You Tube about how he’s mayor of Sugar Land and Sugar Land is a city of Jesus.  Wallace was trying to form a faith/greed coalition.

Finally, the faith based group took over the official party so Wallace and his greed goblins formed a Republican Club, called The C Club.  One of Wallace’s fancy pants, high-roller, wheeler-dealer business buddies was named treasurer – a man by the name of Albert Kaleta.

Last year, the receiver who took over Kaleta Capital Management, run by BizRadio co-founder Albert Kaleta, declared that Frishberg and Kaleta perpetuated “a blatant, intentional fraud” by transferring investor funds from Kaleta Capital to the radio network without revealing that BizRadio’s assets were pledged to third parties.

Kaleta Capital has no liquid assets and its investors are owed $10 million.

And how does David Wallace fit into this?

Based upon the Receivers’ investigation of the facts and circumstances surrounding the offer and sale of the BizRadio notes, it appears that many of those investors were introduced to BizRadio by and through the Wallace Bajjali affiliates and Messrs. Wallace and Bajjali. Indeed, there is significant overlap between investors (1) directly in the Wallace Bajjali entities, (2) in BizRadio notes and (3) in KCM notes.

David Wallace and his book. It's awful, but most of the words are spelled correctly.

He’s either the dumbest sumbitch  on the planet or has fully earned the Greedmaster title.  Even if Kaleta is your friend, why would you keep sending your investors to his obviously failing business?

Hrbacek and his faith flock has financed a one-man-operation newspaper.  It’s called, ironically, The Fort Bend Independent.  Imagine Fox News with most of the words spelled incorrectly.

The “Independent”  keeps the story alive locally, even if they don’t fully understand it.

Now Lord knows I do not want to stir the flames between the Super DeLux Brand Christians and the Greedy SOBs, but somebody has to tell this story.  Yes, they do.

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Rick Perry is George W Bush without the intelligence and wit.  They even sound exactly alike giving speeches.  They are both Karl Rove’s Frankensteins.

But, some damfool thinks Rick Perry should sashay up to the plate and add his name to the list of unimpressive Republican presidential candidates.  I mean, why the hell not?  He’s just as unimpressive as any of the rest of them.

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Juanita says that she herself is one cool chick for coming up with The Daily Newt idea.

“And if he doesn’t go to rehab pretty soon, it’s gonna be The Hourly Newt:  Making Charlie Sheen Look Presidential,” she promises.

“Here ya go – here’s Newt saying something stunningly stoopid and then asking everyone to go back to the future and forget it ever happened.  He says that if he makes a mistake, we should forget it and move on.  Damn, why didn’t Bill Clinton think of that plan,” she grins.

Newt Gingrich’s walk back tour reached its zenith Tuesday night, as Gingrich personally apologized to Paul Ryan for dismissing his Medicare plan as “right wing social engineering.” In an added twist, Gingrich claims that the merest mention of his extensive condemnation of Ryan’s budget from Sunday’s Meet The Press by Democrats is now out of bounds as a result.

“Now I’m not saying that Newt is a total control freak who thinks he can run both the GOP and Demcoratic campaigns this year with his control dial set to forty miles of rough road.  Okay, no, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“He’s also decided that he’s not going to answer any questions about his personal life.  But, best I can tell, that’s a ollie-ollie-oxen-free available only to Republicans with multiple marriages and lots of hanky panky.”

She grins and adds, “Call the medical examiner, this dude is dead.”

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Juanita freely admits that her favorite color is shiny.  But, dayum, she ain’t got nothing on The Newt.

Gingrich, who represented Georgia in Congress for two decades, retired in 1999. But his wife, Callista Gingrich, was employed by the House Agriculture Committee until 2007, according to public records. She listed a “revolving charge account” at Tiffany and Company in the liability section of her personal financial disclosure form for two consecutive years and indicated that it was her spouse’s debt. The liability was reported in the range of $250,001 to $500,000.

When asked by POLITICO whether Gingrich has settled this debt, and why he owed between a quarter-million and a half-million dollars to a jeweler, Rick Tyler, Gingrich’s spokesman, declined to comment.

In 2006, Callista said the couple was worth between $1million and $2.5 million.  They owed up to $.5 million to Tiffany’s.  “I’m telling you that a woman has to be really good at something to get that much jewelry,” Juanita says with shock and awe.

“Look, I don’t mean to be tacky, but I am a beauty expert so I feel the need to say this as a warning to other women.  Get your Botox now, Honey, before Callista uses it all.  Go put it on lay-away or something because this woman took all the money she didn’t spend at Tiffany’s and mainlined it right into her face.”

Thelma says times are tough but she’s still paying off the $46.87 she spent at Payless Shoes during their last bogo sale.  “I can sympathize with Callista,” she says, “because girls like stuff.”