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It’s a keeper!  (Safe for work and Momma.)

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Y’all, it’s only two days until Juanita is the happiest woman on earth.

Wednesday is the day that Newt Gingrich is going to announce that he’s running for President.

“And, what’s even better about The New Newt is that he’s found Jesus,” Juanita informs us.  “But, I think it’s more like Jaheeezzzzus.”

“This might have been a trick he learned from Tom DeLay.  Tom got born again so many times that a search for all his birth certificates would have taken decades.  If he really had been born again all those times, he’d be like, I dunno, 8 years old.”

“Being born again is like a Magic Erase,” she explains.  “You are flat not responsible for anything you did before they dunked you in the river and shouted hallelujah.  Hell, even AA makes you go back and apologize.  That’s why this born again thing is so very cool.  It’s a get-out-of-mayhem free card.”

“So, after Wednesday, we’re gonna have us a newly religious Newt Gingrich pontificating on how everybody else ought to behave.  Also, I would not be shocked to find that he wants to end bread lines and poverty the same way Stalin did.”

“Watching Newt try to mix oil and water by using fire is gonna be more fun than a tent revival led by the town drunk.”

She putting on her dancin’ shoes for Wednesday’s celebration!

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Andrew Card, the evil genius who created this ….

…. is now saying that President Obama is strutting too much.

President Obama has ‘pounded his chest’ too much and taken too much pride in the success of the mission to take out Osama bin Laden, according to, of all people, George W. Bush’s former Chief of Staff, Andrew Card.

“The world is a funny place,” Juanita grins, “and Andrew Card is the head clown.”

“So, if you see Andrew Card and he looks drunk, he’s not.  He’s just dizzy from all the spin.”

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Texans were served up tort reform several years ago with the promise that it would lower all our insurance bills dramatically.  Hell, if we could get some tort reform, insurance would be practically free, they said.

Didn’t happen.  Insurance has done nothing but go up, and Texans have far fewer rights in court for civil justice now.

And that is why Governor Rick Perry has declared another emergency for the State Lege.

“We’re gettin’ us some of that there emergency tort reform,” Juanita says.  “They accidentally left a loophole in the last one where people could sue if a product  caused serious bodily injury and the company  knew it was defective and did nothing about it. ”

That did not sit well with the Koch brothers.

This bill is a giant gift wrapped present to irresponsible corporations and drunk doctors.  If you sue a company and you lose or get more than 20% less than the settlement offer, you have to pay all their bills.  How many consumers can afford that?

The folks lined up to testify about this bill?

The Koch Brothers
Chevron
General Electric

I hope they can talk fast because it’s a damn emergency!  Don’t think about it.  Do it.  Fast.  Hurry.  No Dilly dallying.  The Koch brothers paid for a ticket and they want to ride to ride, dammit.

Rick Perry says so!

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My buddy Sharon found me the perfect quote.  As you know, I am not much of a Libertarian Looneytarian fan.  I often say that I, too, fell in love with Ayn Rand but like most people, got over it by my senior year in high school.

Sharon found an even better one.

“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.” Screenwriter John Rogers.

Y’all, that’s good.

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The Texas Ethics Commission is supposed to watch the henhouse.  They are supposed to keep campaign finance honest.  But, the people making the laws for the Ethics Commission and funding their investigations are the very same people they are supposed to be watching.

Catch your breath, because I have to tell you that it doesn’t work.

It takes 2 to 3 years for a complaint to even be heard.  And in last session, the Texas Lege made them give back the ruler they used to slap people with.  The ruler was far too harsh.

Here’s an example of laws clearly being broken.  A secret PAC was establish to laundry money:

On Jan. 10, 2008, the PAC received a $250,000 donation from [Republican Speaker of the House Tom] Craddick’s campaign, according to campaign finance statements filed with the ethics commission. The next day, Jan. 11, the PAC made donations of $50,000 each to Reps. Kevin Bailey of Houston and Kino Flores of Palmview, who are no longer in the House, and Aaron Pena of Edinburg, who has since become a Republican.

Texans for Public Justice said Craddick used the PAC to covertly channel donations to Democrats who might be embarrassed to receive political help from the Republican House leader, who had his eye on another term as speaker.

And how did Craddick react the complaint?  He ignored it.

Aaron Pena: Ho

The fine for ignoring it?  $10,000.

That’s chump change for these boys.  They don’t even get up and offer a chair to $10,000.

“You know,” Juanita says, “it’s probably a good thing that Aaron Pena looks like he ate his brother.  That FOR SALE sign needs a lot of space on his back.