.
“My own personal State Senator,” Juanita starts, “is a guy named Glenn Hegar. Glenn has two n’s in his name to make up for the fact that he’s got not one recognizable brain cell.”
A Glamour Shot of Glenn Hegar
“And I don’t mean to be mean, but he’s rather unfortunate-looking. Bless his heart, he couldn’t get laid at a whorehouse with a truckload of fryers and a $20 bill taped to his forehead,” she sadly says. “His momma had to borrow a baby to take to church.”
“But, he’s white and he takes orders pretty well and that’s all that matters when you live in a Senate district as red as mine.”
“So, Glenn finally did something to earn his keep. Usually when he stands up in the Senate, Republicans hold their breath and Democrats all run to the bathroom to keep from having accidents when they start giggling,” she explains very seriously.
“Well, bless his heart all over again, Glenn discovered what was wrong with Texas. People can lie about the size of fish they catch. Right out in the open. In front of women and children, even. Holy crap! Why wasn’t I alerted to this danger?”
“So, Glenn, being a man of Republican honor, has introduced legislation to stop this blight on the Great State of Texas. No shoot. I ain’t kidding.”
Senator Glenn Hegar, a Republican who sponsored the bill, said it was intended to address cheating in high-level bass fishing tournaments, some of which offer tens of thousands of dollars in prizes. In one notorious case in 2009, an angler who entered the Bud Light Trail Big Bass Tournament on Lake Ray Hubbard, east of Dallas, put a one-pound lead weight inside the stomach of the 10.49-pound bass he had entered to win the grand prize, a $55,000 fishing boat.
“Some people are literally taking scissors and cutting off the tail of a fish to make it fit into a certain category,” Mr. Hegar said. “Unfortunately, they’re not playing by the rules.”
“And the rules of fishing are….. ?” Juanita asks.
“Are you telling me that a guy at the Bud Lite fishing tournament lied? I can hardly believe myself saying that!”
“Look, I’ve been fishing. There ain’t a whole lot of difference between fishing and standing around like a damfool with a stick in your hand,” she reports.
“If you take lying out of fishing, there ain’t no reason to fish. People can catch fish for you. Big ‘uns, too.”
“The other possibility is that everybody within 10 miles of a body of water, and that includes crawfish holes, in the entire state is gonna end up in the penitentiary. Then we’ll have to call in people from Oklahoma to be the guards and you know how they are – they’d all drown if it wasn’t for waterwings.”
“Glenn is just gonna make people go to Louisiana to lie about fishing. Can you even imagine how the fish-lying industry in Florida is gonna benefit from this?”
“Praise the Lord for good politicians like Glenn Hegar to get to the major problems facing Texas! I really hope all the Democrats went to the bathroom before he spoke or there’s gonna be a mess,” she grins.
“Hey, y’all, you’ll notice that Glenn doesn’t even mention cheating at golf tournaments. That’s because Republicans golf and they’re used to screwing each other,” she grins. “And that’s the truth.”
Thanks to Brian, Bruce, and John for the heads up.
