.

Word has it that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the state’s birther bill, but that Bobby Jindal of Louisiana is just itching to sign one.

“Well, that kinda snuck up on me,” Juanita admits.  “I never figured that someone from Louisiana would be concerned about birth certificates.  I’ve never known a Cajun  who will admit to being born.  They claim they just rise up out of the primordial swamp water and commence to playing the washboard in Rodney Thibodeaux’s Tout Les Soir Cajun Band.”

“My Uncle Noony ‘Three Toes’ Lebouef claims he was raised by alligators after  floating down the Mississippi from somewhere south of Memphis when he was a whole day old and practically grown.  He’s not exactly sure where south of Memphis because his passport wasn’t stamped properly.  But, he knows it had to be south of Memphis because he wouldn’t be caught dead north of Memphis.”

“If they start requiring birth certificates in Louisiana, nobody would be able to go to school or get a passport.  Right now, if you want a passport, you bring your big brother down to federal building and have him swear an oath that he saw you with both eyes walk out of the swamp, same as your daddy did,” she explains.

“Bobby Jindal does not need to be talking about people needing birth certificates.  There’s more Creole people in Louisiana than there are Bobby Jindals.”

“He also needs to get off his high horse.  He’s the Governor of Louisiana, which is just barely as important as being a notary public in Oklahoma,” she grins.

.

It’s tax day so the Texas Lege took up a pressing tax issue to get America rolling …. er, floating, again.  A tax break on yachts!

Yes, today a House committee discussed giving a tax break to wealthy yacht-buyers. Under House Bill 2187, by Rep. John Davis, a Houston Republican, the tax on sales of boats over $250,000 would be capped at $15,625. For a $20 million yacht, this would work out to a tax reduction of 99 percent. Those buying smaller, cheaper boats would continue to pay the current 6.25 percent sales tax.

Of course I am serious.  I could not make this stuff up.

But, fear not, middle class, for they had you in mind, too.  Democratic State Rep Mike Villarreal arrived a tad late at the hearing and asked, “So this bill is a tax break for mega-yacht owners? I feel like I just walked through the twilight zone. Is that what we’re talking about – a tax break for mega-yacht owners?”

The yacht dude answered, “This is not just for rich people. You can get used yachts as well.”

And he was serious.

No, seriously, he was serious.

Dayum, Bubba, let’s trade in the double wide and get us a helluva deal on a used yacht!  We need the tax break because right now all of our cash flow is tied up in groceries.

.

You know how much Rick Perry hates, hates, hates the federal government?  You know how he’s always saying that he wouldn’t take a dime from them?

Texas Gov. Rick Perry sought additional federal help in battling wildfires across his drought-parched state as a woodland blaze gutted at least six homes on Sunday and threatened hundreds more in Austin, the state capital.

An estimated 1.5 million acres of tinder-like brush and grasslands have gone up in flames in Texas since January 1, about half of that during the past week alone under some of the driest conditions in Texas history.

Some 220 homes in all have been lost, according to a letter released on Sunday from Perry to President Barack Obama requesting a federal disaster declaration.

“Oh yeah, that right there is Rick Perry with his hand out, beggin’ money from the federal guvmint,” Juanita says.

“Thank God we didn’t secede when he wanted us to.  If we had, right now  Oklahoma and Louisiana would be slaughtering some hogs for a damn fine barbeque on the world’s largest pit,” she suspects.

When it comes to hypocrisy,, Rick Perry stand out like a possum in a poodle show.

.

Anyone native to Texas can tell you a story about the Daughters of the Republic of Texas.  They are a humorless bunch of old ladies who rule over the Alamo like it is their prize and singular position.

The good news is that the Alamo still stands.  The bad news is that not for much longer.  It’s literally falling apart under the Daughter’s watch.

The Daughter of the Republic of Texas have been kinky about their finances.  They don’t want anybody knowing where their money goes.

You know that you have sunk lower than whale poop on the bottom of the ocean when you are a group of extremely conservative women and the Republican Attorney General of Texas calls you “unrepentant.”

Yikes.

The Daughters did themselves no favors while answering questions from San Antonio’s Democratic State Senator Leticia Van de Putte.

My favorite exchange —

Things went from not so good for the daughters to very not so good when Karen Thompson of Leander, the DRT’s historian general, was in the witness seat as Van de Putte read from an email — “WORST SENATE BILL EVER !!!!!” — from Thompson to fellow daughters. The email concerned SB 1518 by Kevin Eltife, R-Tyler, chairman of the committee. The bill “gives THC the power to simply take the Alamo period … by any manner,” Thompson wrote in the email.

As a clearly peeved Van de Putte read the email aloud, Thompson laughed a few times.

“Why would you say this about the chairman’s bill?” Van de Putte asked, subtly making the point that it’s not nice to squeeze the chairman.

“Because I’m a very dramatic person,” Thompson replied, dramatically. “And my aunt’s an actress and I guess I just get that after her. That was meant just for the daughters. Just to get their attention.”

The senator asked Thompson if she indeed thought this was the “worst bill ever.”

“Oh, heavens no,” Thompson said, assuring Van de Putte “there’s been millions of them that have been worse.”

And the Daughters wonder why everybody who has lived in Texas has at least one joke about them.

My favorite?  They are wound so tight that their mainspring will still be running ten years after God is dead.

.

“Okay, no more Miss Nice Juanita.  I’m gonna start saying what I want to say,” Juanita begins, which is not something you’re excited to hear on a Monday morning before the coffee is ready.

She is clutching Paul Krugman’s column in her hand.  “Paul contends that it’s time to quit being civil,” she explains.

Which brings me to those calls for a bipartisan solution. Sorry to be cynical, but right now “bipartisan” is usually code for assembling some conservative Democrats and ultraconservative Republicans — all of them with close ties to the wealthy, and many who are wealthy themselves — and having them proclaim that low taxes on high incomes and drastic cuts in social insurance are the only possible solution.

This would be a corrupt, undemocratic way to make decisions about the shape of our society even if those involved really were wise men with a deep grasp of the issues. It’s much worse when many of those at the table are the sort of people who solicit and believe the kind of policy analyses that the Heritage Foundation supplies.

So let’s not be civil. Instead, let’s have a frank discussion of our differences. In particular, if Democrats believe that Republicans are talking cruel nonsense, they should say so — and take their case to the voters.

“Here comes my Monday morning rant,” she warns.

“Civility is meant to be a means, not an end.  I am very afraid that the Democratic leadership sees it the other way around.  When you allow civility to be the ends, you become a doormat.  You give up everything you want in order to say, ‘See how civil I am!'”

“Who in their right mind wants to be civil when someone says little children need go hungry, sick, and nakkid because we can’t afford to feed, clothe, or heal them?  We can, however, afford tax breaks for the rich.  Who wants to be civil when social security and unions are under attack?  Franklin Roosevelt took joy in being the enemy of big business.  He was not civil about it,” Juanita takes a breath and continues, “And why do I have to civil about destroying the air I breathe and the water I drink?”

“Tell me,” she demands, “what virtue is there to being civil about that?”

“Me?  I want a bucker and a snorter.  I want someone two shades meaner than the devil himself.  I want a skillet chunker.  I want a hurricane with two eyes and junk yard dog.  I want someone to fight for me.”

“The American people will tell pollsters that they want civil because that sounds adult and nice.  But, that’s not what they really want.  They want someone who can go into a smoke filled backroom and come out with more than smoke in his eyes.  That is what they want,” she hollers.

Thank you, Paul Krugman, for getting the ladies started this week.

.

“The state lege could not have sliced my county into worse districts even if they had a Slice-A-Lator set to high slice on International Slicing Day,” Juanita announced at the Mustang Lounge this evening at the domino tournament.

Juanita got moved out of her district and put into Charlie Howard’s district.  She lives at the rump end of Charlie’s district.  Charlie Howard has been named the single most conservative member of the Texas lege.  “He makes Leo Berman look enlightened,” Juanita says.  She has decided to dedicate her life to doing one thing every day that makes Charlie Howard’s miserable.  “It’s my Christian duty,” she assures us.

But the big news around here is the creation of District 85.  District 85 begins about 100 yards from Juanita’s house, picks up all of Rosenberg, and then runs down to Jackson and Wharton counties.  Oddly, it carefully and purposefully excludes all the regular folks you’d think would run for a Texas House seat.  It’s one of those “Huummmm … what were they thinking, because you know for sure they were in cahoots with Satan to build this district.”

It took a  a while, but we finally figured it out.

Debbie Medina.

Described as “a phenomenon” by the media, Debbie Medina is a Teabagger who ran for Governor in the GOP primary.  She has said in an interview that the United States government blew up the World Trade Center on 911, and that we should destroy the federal reserve.  She home schooled her children and now attends Williams Trace Baptist Church, and totes a pistol in her car when she goes there.

She’s also a little goofy.

Her comments about secession might make Gov. Rick Perry blush. At one rally she said: “We are aware that stepping off into secession may in fact be a bloody war. We understand that the tree of freedom is occasionally watered with the blood tyrants and patriots.” Medina says she doesn’t support secession, though.

Once we saw it, they didn’t have to put any more butter on that biscuit.  The district was drawn for her.  Debbie Medina – our own Michelle Bachmann.

“I wish to thank the State Lege for making this an easy one.  We’ve already filed papers to have Verdelia’s name legally changed to Debra ‘Debbie’ Medina so we appreciate the heads-up!”