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Texas Republican State Representative and Mental Health Poster Child, Leo Berman, ain’t buying that long form birth certificate.

State Rep. Leo Berman, R-Tyler, has checked out the birth certificate President Barack Obama released this morning — and he’s not satisfied.

GOP leaders like U.S. House Speaker John Boehner may believe the matter “has long been a settled issue,” as he said today in a statement. But Berman, who has raised persistent questions about Obama’s birthplace, said he has many more questions and that it will take “someone like a Donald Trump” to really determine whether the president has “pulled the greatest swindle, the greatest hoax, in the history of the United States.”

Oh Leo, Donald Trump?  Oh Leo, surely you can upscale from that and ask Charlie Sheen for help.

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By now everyone has figured out that Governor Rick Perry is running for Vice President, Lt. Governor David Dewhurst is running for Senate and nobody, flat nobody, is running the legislature in Austin.  Well, except for some crazy people in East Texas who believe that Jesus died for your right to be straight, male, armed, and severely undereducated.

Governor Perry’s high dollar political consultants have figured out that Texas now has a whopping 38 electoral votes, making Texas one big ass decider.  The consultants don’t have to sell real-life Rick Perry as a custom option for the Presidential ticket; they just have to sell the 38 electoral votes he could contribute to the national ticket.

Running for Vice President is a tricky deal.  Sarah Palin parlayed it into a chance to get the heck outta Alaska and proudly display glorified rank merciless undiluted ignorance all over the country.  But, then again, who ever heard from Vice Presidential nominee Garret Hobart again?  You didn’t, and that’s my point.

The upside of Perry running for Vice President is that it’ll lower the odds of him wanting to secede from the union.  The downside is oh my God, Rick Perry is Vice President.

The big question then is who is Rick Perry going have to play second fiddle to?  Who will be his running mate?

I have to admit that I was more than a tad sad when Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour pulled out of the Republican Presidential race.   A Barbour / Perry ticket would have coupled the governors of the two states worst at everything good.  It would have been The Double Down Dumb ticket.  Plus, think of the fun it would have been to have a “Hey, Bubba, Hold My Beer and Watch This” campaign slogan.

Donald Trump would be a good fit for Perry – good hair and bad hair on the same ticket.

Rick Perry and the former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee would work.  Imagine them running against Barack Obama as the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Crackers ticket.  Honey, there is not enough fried okra and hush puppies in the world to support that duo.  Plus, I don’t think they’d actually campaign to win – they’d just pray about it.   Loudly, they’d pray in public very loudly because everybody knows God is deaf in one ear and can’t hear out the other.

There’s the Rick Perry / Tim Pawlenty ticket.  Not even a glitter enema would make those two more exciting than the unemployment line.  Hot air balloon races in the dark would be more interesting.

Perry and Mitt Romney wouldn’t work at all because they both look like guys straight out of a Viagra commercial.  No, seriously.  Look at them.  They do. Until they pose in matching bathtubs on a country hillside, that’ll be the Can’t Get It In Gear ticket.  Or the Got It Floored In Neutral ticket, your choice.

Perry / Palin is clearly “2012: The Mayan Apocalypse Ticket”.  Plus, they’d have to hire Allied Van Lines just to haul all their guns and ammo on the campaign circuit.    Imagine the bumper sticker:  Palin / Perry:  We’re Gonna Kill Somethin’.  You Can Cook It.  Yeehaw!

How about Jeb Bush and Perry?  Gently reminding you that Bush and Cheney didn’t finish the job of totally wrecking this country, and by golly, these two fellas can do it because they’ve been practicing.

Momma always warned me to be careful of people.  “Just because his breath smells like bananas doesn’t mean he’s Tarzan,” she would say.  And I guess that’s true for Rick Perry, too.  Just because he has 38 electoral votes doesn’t make him worth electing.

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As you recall, their is a drought in Texas caused by Governor Rick Perry, whose inability to pray is equally matched by his inability to govern.

That drought caused power outages in Texas City, which on a cloudy day I can smell from where I live.

Today, we discover ….

TEXAS CITY, Texas – A state agency said air quality monitor readings in Texas City were too high for their instruments to measure around 8 a.m. Tuesday.

The state investigators arrived in Texas City after a series of power outages at three refineries and two chemical plants.

“Too high for their instruments to measure.”  That can’t be a good thing.  Ain’t that kinda like saying your fever is too high for a thermometer?

The problem was caused by salt on the power lines.  Rain generally wipes salt off the power lines.  However, the only water you can get around here is dehydrated.

I want to be honest with you and tell you that I wouldn’t believe a word that BP or the other oil companies say even if it was sworn to by three deacons, Willie Nelson, and the University of Texas Chess Club.  Okay, maybe I’d believe it if Willie swore to it.

So, apparently, the air was not safe yesterday.

I’m not saying that we should push the panic button.  I’m just saying that we should have one installed.

BP, who could not afford to have someone go wash their power lines, just reported $7.2 billion in profits.  That’s an amazing profit for ruining Texas gulf water and air.

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Texas City, where  oil gets refined in Texas, had a power failure early this morning and began to use the emergency flare system to burn off excess products in order to prevent an explosion.  There were 9 major flares this morning coming from Valero, Marathon, BP, and Dow Chemical.

Flare at BP Plant in Texas City

Schools were closed and people were asked to shelter in place.  My friends there say the odor is awful and report burning eyes and coughing.

It has been so dry here that lizards are carrying canteens and the catfish are wearing flea collars.  It is suspected that salt build up on the power lines and the heavy winds we’ve been having caused the problem.  The salt builds up when the rain doesn’t wash it off.

I am sad to report that Rick Perry’s six buggy prayer meeting and tent revival did nor work near as well in Texas as it did in Missouri.  I think he hates us.  Wait, wait, I don’t mean the Lord.  I mean Rick Perry.  For a while I thought maybe Rick was secretly praying for rain in Missouri instead of Texas, but on second thought that couldn’t be right.  Rick never prays secretly.  All his prayers are very public and  loud enough to jar the pecan off the tree.

So, best I can figure, the Lord ain’t happy with Rick Perry.

Those of you prone to prayer, please say a secret one for the working souls in Texas City.

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“It looks like Texas public school superintendents are finally developing the shame gene,” Juanita smiles.  “Lookie here at the Round Rock School District right outside of Austin ….”

… the district said that Superintendent Jesús Chávez would write a personal check for $21,000 to rehire an unspecified part-time teacher next school year. Officials said Chávez, whose base salary is $252,875, plans to continue his donation each year until the budget situation improves and most laid off teachers are rehired.

“So, $21,000 ain’t much out of a base pay of $252,875, but it’s a start.  And it might be contagious because Austin Superintendent Meria Carstarphen has proposed eliminating her $25,000 performance bonus in 2011-12, and Leander Superintendent Bret Champion will take a $20,000 cut in salary and benefits, including forfeiting his cellphone and car allowances,” she reports.

“Now the reason I’m telling you this is that I’m wondering how long it’s gonna take for the shame gene to make it to Fort Bend County and smack Dr. Plenty Jenney and his plenty and a half contract.  I’m placing my money on the day after when cows give beer.”

By the way, if you live in Texas and want to see how much money your school district is going to lose, click right here and ask Miss Texas Tribune Wizard.

Thanks to Karen for the heads-up.

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Bad news on the humor front.

Haley Barbour just pulled out of the Presidential race.  I was really counting on a Barbour / Perry ticket – The Yeehaw – Hey, Bubba, Hold My Beer and Watch This Ticket.

Rats!